Trying to make a new start

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Hi everyone,
I hope this is an appropriate place to post this...if not, mods feel free to move/remove it.

I'm writing this mostly because I wanted to know if other people have had similar experiences. I'm trying to keep it short.

I've only just been diagnosed with childhood autism/Asperger's (yes, both) this year (I'm 30), though it was obvious to me that I was different from my peers from nursery school onwards (and I've ASDfor a long time). I've suffered from depression, anxiety and an intermittent fatigue problem basically all my life, and with anorexia since I was a teenager. I seemed to make a fair amount of progress while I was at university; I joined some societies, met some people I considered friends, had a couple of boyfriends (terrible mistakes), and eventually gained a PhD in ecology and then (because I wasn't ready to stop being a student but I didn't feel able to cope with academia) a postgraduate diploma in information management.

Then I got a job (in IT system support at a hospital) and moved to a new town. I lasted 15 months there, going gradually downhill in terms of ability to function before having a complete breakdown in early 2013. Turns out that the world of academia was actually a comparatively good place for me, even if I couldn't cope with even that. I fell foul of office customs, got bullied a lot, and was taken advantage of by my managers (given work way my pay grade, because I have a PhD). I haven't worked since then, and my level of functioning has continued to drop, probably to where it was when I was in nursery school.

I have, however, gotten married; we get by on my husband's salary, just about and he shows no ill-will for having to support me. Our housing situation is secure. I have three companion rabbits who I adore. I have several hobbies that I can pursue. I don't have any serious serious illnesses. So I haven't lost sight of what I do have. But the fact that I'm not contributing to society (and my family!) at all really bothers me. I want to start working again, but I don't know how to get there.

Things I am doing:
1. I've decided that I'm not going to pretend to be neurotypical any more. I shall be giving full disclosure to everyone up front; I figure I've got nothing to lose and it'll hopefully screen out people who aren't going to be good for me.
2. I have recently started doing some casual, very low paid work from home for one of the consultants at the hospital where my husband works (editing photos and making powerpoint slideshows). I'm also trying to get back in touch with the lecturer who was my mentor at uni, though he's very busy and doesn't seem to have time to reply properly to my email.
3. I'm trying to get back into the habit of learning things again. I've started learning German and am trying to brush up on my (mediocre) programming skills. This is problematic due to the levels of fatigue I'm currently experiencing.
4. I really, really want to put on weight. I've had enough of the physical side effects, and frankly I have no idea how much of the depression/anxiety are due to disturbances in brain function due to underweight. Trying to put this into practice is like trying to break down a wall with my head, though.

So I guess that's all progress...but I'm still not sure how to turn it into momentum, especially given how easily I get disheartened.

Does anyone have any similar experiences that they might share? Thank you.

Edit: thought I might add that I've exhausted the options for getting help with any of this from the NHS and free-to-user therapy providers in the area. I have CBT coming out of my ears, do mindfulness meditation to the extent that I can, and I already take the only medications I seem to tolerate.

What do you mean by childhood autism? And if you have ASD, you always had it and always will.

Well, my story is not so dramatic as yet but I'm worried it may be.I discovered that if I let myself behave in more autistic way, I feel much better. A lot of people here is against the disclosure but I find it hard to agree. I hate when NTs at work are lecturing me on how to be more confident, when in fact I just don't want to interact. Or when people make assumptions about my abilities on my face expression.
And that was before I even knew I may be on the spectrum and was trying to fit In. So I really can't do any better than that. And if people know (I'm assuming they do) that 'there is something wrong with me' they can as well know, what. That is my opinion.

Hope you will be ok.

Hi carbonmonoxide, thanks for your reply.

You know this; I know this. I don't know if the psychologist was limited by labels in some manual or another but he actually wrote that he would diagnose me with childhood autism based on interviews with my Mum about my infancy, but it "sounds wrong" to give that diagnosis to an adult, and he felt Asperger's fit me in my present state. Although he did also note in the same report that Asperger's isn't used as a diagnosis separate from ASD any more.

This kind of unhelpfulness basically sums up my experiences with health professionals, unfortunately.



That's basically my opinion too. I've tried pretending and it hasn't done me any good so I might as well try not pretending. And if I don't pretend then I free up all those cognitive resources to do something I'm actually good at, instead. Of course everyone is in a different situation but I think (hope?) this is best for me just now.

I hope you'll be okay too. PM me if you want to chat.