Transitioning into adulthood is a stressful time for everyone. It is especially stressful when you do not develop the same way that others do. The advice that might work for an NT would be disastrous for someone with AS. As a young adult who had significant difficulty transitioning to adulthood, I would like to share some of the things that helped me.
Socially:
I am not on the same wavelength as most of my peers. I never have been. I either appeared too immature or too advanced simultaneously. When I was an adolescent, I tried my best to fit in by mimicking my peers. This, of course, did not work. I learned to mimic some of the behaviors that made others social successful, but when people got to know me, they realized it was all a facade. Fortunately, I had some peers who were also studious and responsible. They knew how to have fun without engaging in high-risk behavior, and they also knew how to be good friends. They supported me even though I was self-destructive and intent on being a criminal and a drug addict. I would encourage any young person with AS to find a group of friends who are positive and not worry so much about being "cool". In hindsight, I was incredibly lucky because I am very naive. I couldn't handle the street life, even though I thought I could. My more stable, responsible NT friends kept me from stepping into some bad situations. I think it is important to have that kind of support when you are learning how to navigate the adult world.
Sexually:
My sexuality is not like the average NT person. It has taken me a long time to accept that fact. I wish I had had a better indoctrination into the world of sex and relationships. The average NT advice for dating totally messed me up. None of it applied to me. My needs in a relationship are different, and that is okay. The most damage I have done to myself is trying to fit into the NT mold of relationships instead of being true to myself.
The hardest part for me practically has been learning to empathize with women. When I was younger I had no clue what women wanted. I had no clue how to tell if a woman was attracted to me. I had no understanding of how my behavior impacted a women emotionally. I am by no means a relationship expert but dating and having a relationship is doable for me now. I guess I am a late bloomer. The things that helped me most were perceptive NT friends who understood what my deficits were (interpreting body language and lacking empathy). I had a much older friend who taught me the subtle clues that a woman was interested (the body language, things they would say). I was in my mid-twenties before I had a clue how to tell if a woman was into me or not. Once I learned, I was able to stop sabotaging myself by approaching unobtainable women and unknowingly rejecting women who I had a chance with. Another thing that has helped me is the fact that I gravitate toward women when forming friendships. Non-sexual relationships with women have helped me to see things from a woman's perspective. A lot of the things I thought were important and disqualified me from dating, my female friends informed me weren't important at all. This helped me feel like dating wasn't impossible.
School/Career: I have executive functioning issues. I cannot multi-task well. Even though am intellectually gifted and graduated near the top of my high school class, my first attempt at college was a disaster. I find that taking 1 or 2 classes at a time, not the traditional course load, was the only way I could get through college. It took me 11 years to get my degree, but I got. I just couldn't do it the NT way. I think it is important for aspies to know their specific limitations and try to work around them. Another thing about me, I don't know if it is an aspie trait or not, is that I cannot motivate myself to do something I am not interested in. My career is related to one of my special interests, and I believe that is why I am good at it. I would encourage a young aspie to focus on what he or she is interested in when trying to pursue a career. My technical ability in my field makes up for my social quirks. This is why I am able to get and keep a job despite my obvious aspie traits.
Self-care: I still struggle with this--especially when I get overwhelmed. My parents were lenient. I had no chores growing up. It has been difficult for me to learn basic things life cooking and cleaning. What has helped me is to ask someone to teach me or to look up how to do things on the Internet. I can learn pretty quickly by reading. Grooming was also an issue. NT friends and ex-girlfriends helped me learn how to dress and groom myself to be presentable. My executive functioning problems still get me though, even though I know how to do things. I've had to adjust my expectations of what I can do. I live with my mom now instead of having my own place because working and keeping up an apartment was too much for me to handle. I feel okay about it because I realize nobody--NT or aspie--has it all together all the time. Part of being an adult is humbly accepting your limitations and trying to do the best you can anyway. I've been a late bloomer in all aspects of my life. If I keep working on my self-care skills, maybe I will be able to handle living on my own when I get older.
Money:
One thing my parents were good at is trying to teach me about money. I grew up with the expectation that I would work or go to school. I knew about checking accounts and stuff like that. My parents still give me advice and show me how to live frugal. I've learned over time not to ignore their advice about these things.
I don't know if any of that was helpful. You can quote me if you want, if you like something I wrote.
17 Jan 2016, 10:31 am
