Both people in a marriage autistic?

Post Reply New Topic

I was diagnosed with moderate autism three months ago. I've suspected it for a year. My wife has been listening to me read a lot of the characteristics and took the RDOS test. Her score was higher than mine! We agree that she probably has it--she has a lot of symptoms: near constant stimming; difficulty reading expressions; intense interests; tendency to lecture people on those interests; difficulty with executive function activities like organization, planning, and housekeeping; inflexibility. The problem is, she's not really interesting in looking into how her (possible) autism might affect our relationship. If any problem crops up, it's because of MY autism, ADHD, or bipolar type II issues. She won't compromise on how she deals with other people (which is usually very confrontational) or keep her promises about helping with housework. Since she's on disability and I'm supporting us both, often with a lot of overtime, I feel like a disproportionate amount of the burden of work is on me. Even though she's on disability, there are lots of light jobs she can do, including picking up after herself. She promises to start therapy but never does.

Our apartment building had a pest control person spray our place in a routine visit, and he reported us for bad housekeeping (especially the kitchen, which was a mess). They are inspecting our place Monday and will evict us if it isn't up to spec. She didn't even tell me--I happened to find the notice while tidying. I've been in a panic, scrubbing all day, and managed to get her to do some work after she got back from a doctor's visit. When she got in, late, I blew up at her because this would be our second eviction for messiness in five years. I told her if we get evicted, we're through. I feel guilty now, she's really sad, but I just feel so overwhelmed. I can't do it all! What should I do?

How about involving a third person, like a couple's therapist?
If your wife tends to roll off all responsibilities on you and your autism, someone other than you might be needed to show her that there are things SHE can do, and with a COUPLE's therapist, you can get both of you to reach out without her having to admit anything to herself beforehand.

Just an idea on how to reach out for help without "losing face".
This way it's not about either of you, as an individual.

Can you hire someone to come clean up periodically?

I am seconding the advice to hire someone to clean periodically. She obviously has a huge problem with being able to keep up with her part of the housework. I know for myself and my Aspie hubby housework was the major source of arguments for years before we finally shared it more equally. Just assign chores for specific days, like dusting on Mondays, that way only one chore each day must be done other than general tidying up. Ask her what she would/can do, decide what you'll do, then hire out for the rest. That way, you have done all you can and you can relax knowing that.

If you can't afford the cleaning help... well, that's a problem but not an impossibility. I think that if you were to talk to a cleaning company or person they may strike a deal with you given that she's on disability. My company gives discounts to seniors and those on a fixed income.

HTH