Death & dying, elderly parents, grieving

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I'm an aspie girlfriend. My NT boyfriend is going through some rough times right now with his elderly mother. She was in hospital with pneumonia, then she had a stroke and went into a coma. It's been 2 weeks and no improvement.

I'd like to be more comfortable around this subject. But I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like my questions as he seems to be very emotional at this time. So I guess I'll ask strangers here.

1. Why do children of sick elderly people want them to continue barely living in a hospital, even if they can't enjoy anything?

2. Why does sitting there with his unconscious mother all day, every day, make him feel better? When he says he feels completely exhausted doing that, why doesn't he stop doing it?

3. He has abandoned his business and his checks are bouncing. Is he going to come back to save his business, or is he going to stay there till she dies?

4. Is there a chance for him to recover and return to me, or is the grieving person damaged long-term and not able to have a loving relationship again? (he's stopped calling or seeing me)

5. Why don't I feel or understand grief, and why don't I feel any emotions about people dying? Does it make me a sociopath?

6. How should I behave around him if or when he ever returns home? What are helpful and unhelpful ways to act?

7. Are there good questions for me to ask him, and others I should avoid? Or should I avoid bringing up the subject unless he starts telling me about it first?

I have lost both my parents and it was devastating to me. My grief was profound. I do NOT believe that "grieving is bad" or doesn't help or shouldn't be done.

BS.

If a person genuinely doesn't feel that much grief, then fine for that person. But if a person is feeling grief without even trying to, that is REAL and if they try to suppress that in order to be more like the person who thinks grief is useless and nobody should "do" grief, it's the wrong thing to do for that individual.

Grief does decrease in time but only if allowed to run its course. People are afraid of a grieving person because they think that person might get "stuck" there forever. That rarely happens. But if a person is genuinely feeling grief they need to be allowed to feel that fully, all the sooner to get it out of their system.

Addressing izzeme:

You don't stop someone from vomiting when they've eaten something that needs to come out again fully. You shouldn't advise someone "not to grieve" just because YOU don't have a use for it.

Back to Molly:

The rest of izzeme's post is good stuff. Your boyfriend is spending the time now in case it's the last chance he gets to repay his mother's watching over him while sick too.

Also, as irrational as it looks to others, the reason why someone wishes or seems to want the sick, dying person to keep on living is because they love them, they are terrified of how massively distressing it will be if they die, and all they wish is that none of this was happening and they don't have to lose that person.

Logic or rational thought doesn't come into it because this is an extremely emotional thing and there's nothing wrong with that. We are HUMAN BEINGS, emotion is also part of us as well as the abiltiy to be rational.

It's because we have irrational emotion capability that we even raise children with love to begin with, or don't you think we'd all go: "Fck, this kid is a burden, it's only rational to dump the little sh!t in a river and our lives and finances will be much better."

His mother didn't do that because she "loved" him -- now he doesn't want her to die because he loves her too.

As someone who had to work through profound and devastating grief with a spouse around me who was SELFISH and just wanted me to QUIT all my feelings and just get on with being a "normal happy person" for HIM again, I warn you to be very careful about respecting what your boyfriend is going through even if you don't understand it on any level.

My marriage broke up in part because my husband was a f*****g SH!T to me when I had lost my parents.

Everyone has a different reaction to the death of a loved one. The important thing when someone else is going through this, is to respect their reaction, without judgment or demands. There is no right or wrong way.

About not calling/visiting...

Did he tell you he needed his space, and wanted time away from you...

Or...

You are hearing nothing at all from him, period

If he views you as an unsympathetic, this relationship is probably toast. People re evaluate what they want in their lives during crisis times. If you actually said anything you wrote to him, there are very few NTs who would still be hanging around.

My Aspie husband was terrible when my mother was dying/died. Totally non supportive and actually pissy that our lives were disrupted by this "issue". I almost divorced him. Had we not had a child together, I probably would have. NTs look at support in crisis situations like this, if you aren't there for my freaking mother dying, you will not be there for me when I get in trouble.

My husband had told me similar concerns (like when will this ever end, she's 80, it's time for her to die, and why spend time with her.), and I called him a self centered monster. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever went throught, and he spun it all to how his life was disrupted. All about him. He could not understand why people were so upset. This was truly not knowing. It wasn't him just putting on a act.

It took a year of couples therapy to save our marriage. Him acting like a 4 year old, during my mother dying piled MY stress by a magnitude of a million.

I understand now, my husband has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. Stressful situations shut him down. He has gotten better about learning what to do socially. I guess fake it until you make. I have forgiven him. Autism all about not getting social cues, and relating to people. How could he be instinctively support? It's like screaming at a blind guy why he doesn't know the colors of a sun set first hand.

I know my husband tries. For that I am grateful. I know death/dying/injury/hospital puts him into shut down/sensory overload. Now he asks, "What do you want me to do?" Sometimes I say, "Nothing", because explaining in detail what most people don't need to be told is irritating. But then I can't be aggravated with him. He asked and I gave a reply. So any unhappiness is mine to own.

What is sad now, his family has shut him out with regards to his parents. When his dad was really ill, and almost near death, no one called. No one wanted to deal with my husband. It was more effort to have him around, than helpful. I finally got them to at least call me.

Businesses come and go. Jobs come and go. I quit my job to be with my mother the last month of her life. Never regretted it. Got another job two months after she died.I would do that for my husband or our child. I would rather have one extra hour of time, if I knew they were actively dying than a stupid pay checks. That time is priceless.

I hope at least you get some closure/status on your relationship. It isn't fair to you to be left hanging. AT ALL. I think he should give you some reasons, but it if not that, at least a good bye. He owes that to you.

Good luck...these situations are never, ever easy.

Posting on my mobile, and it won't let me edit my previous post.

My husband was not diagnosed with Aspergers during this time period. Had I know would have made this situation much better.

If your partner knows you are on the spectrum, then you not getting the social protocol on death and dying is on him. Especially if he has seen you in shut down/melt down mode in stressful situations.

I thought my husband was a NT and being a total self centered as*hole. Now I know there are limits to what I can expect. If I expect more from him, the disappointment is on me. He was diagnosed 5 years after my mother died.

The social stuff really shows up when I compare him with our daughter. She just gets the social stuff out of the thin air. There are things she knows and does that I have never told her to do.

it's always appropriate to express sorrow for someone else's misfortune and offer to listen whenever they want to talk.