the false sanctity of divorce

Post Reply New Topic

Doesn't it seem weird that divorce is treat as holy and marriage is treated like less than a verbal contract, free to be broken as soon as one party is bored? How many people would help a spouse abandon another versus help to reunite them?

Here we go again ...

? there are many "marriage counselors" providing therapy to help couples modify their behaviour so they can stay together. i've never heard of a single "divorce counselor" providing therapy to help couples modify their behaviour so they can split up.

I believe divorce is not as fashionable in 2016 as it was, say, in 1975.

I don't get a feeling that most people divorcing are taking divorce lightly -- it's nearly always a grueling experience one way or the other. Officially breaking up a marriage is not a picnic even in the simpler cases, emotionally or financially.

You may feel like some people are quicker to urge you toward divorce than toward the concept of trying to keep a marriage together; that seems to be what you are concerned about. It probably feels like those people don't care about what ought to be solemn vows to stay together, and they care more about just tossing it all away and getting the divorce.

I don't see it that way -- personally I would recommend someone to divorce only because it seems to me, from what they describe, that there is no hope of ever getting the other party back into the relationship.

Only going on what you describe of your situation and your wife, I can only say that this too feel to me like she's just not going to be playing ball with the idea of saving your marriage -- and the thing is, as long as the other partner feels that way about the marriage, it's a goner. Sad to say it, but in my own experience too, if the other person isn't up for something, you can't MAKE them be.

And so sadly the best and worthiest path forward is indeed divorce, because there's no working with another human being who has decided there's....no working with them. It's as simple as that. You can't make other people do what you want them to do, even if that's the noble plan of upholding vows they should take as seriously as you want them to take them.

Yes, marriage vows OUGHT to be "for life" and or at least the serious intention to bust a gut committing to that.

But there are some circumstances under which divorce is the only reasonable option when nothing else can be worked out. Sometimes divorce and getting away from a partner can even be life saving in the case of domestic violence.

Nobody's thinking divorce has "sanctity," is noble or "fashionable." But SOMETIMES it's the only resort.

And by the way, there is a lot of courage in divorcing someone rather than remaining in misery, danger or with a person refusing to work on unhealthy and damaging patterns.

You also have to be leery of generalisation. You don't know what is going on in every marriage that ends in divorce.
I don't see anything "holy" in remaining in a marriage where there is domestic/spousal abuse, for example. Keeping it together and "working it out" is often used as a device by abusers to keep their victim locked in the contract, so they can continue to abuse them. In such circumstances, taking care of yourself and making sure you are safe seems much more important than keeping any "holy" contract.
Whether or not you see any sanctity in the establishment of marriage is, of course, subjective. Some just don't. Maybe that's where the conflict arises in your example.

Biblical perspective:

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
1 Corinthians 7:12-13 NIV

So the implication here is that if the spouse is unwilling to live with someone who is a Christian, they are free to go.

Obviously, if the spouse refuses to live at peace, then they must be let go from the relationship. Abusers have no excuse.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
1 Corinthians 7:12-13, 15 NIV

Divorce is not "holy" per se, but in some cases might be necessary for the sake of peace. God did not intend for us to live under the iron hand of abusive people. That is not the intent of marriage at all.

I see nothing wrong with divorce and there were a lot of unhappy families back in the days before it became more acceptable. Interests change, sometimes people are incompatible, you can't change that. People also change so what happens if someone decides to be a Jehovah's Witness and it gets in the way of their marriage because the other partner refuses to do that religion and their wife is trying to force it on them? Or what if someone has problems and they refuse to get help for it or do anything about it? And the funny thing is sometimes both people get along when they are not together so that is good for the kids when their parents divorce. Also what example does it set for the children when they have two parents who fight and bicker and act abusive towards each other? They will think that's normal in relationships and thinks that is what a relationship is. Even my first boyfriend thought arguments were normal in relationships and he wouldn't believe me when I told him my parents don't fight, it's rare when they do and my mom told me his parents probably do that and probably did it all the time when he was a kid so he thinks that's normal. Today his parents are divorced as I saw on Facebook when I saw his mom on there. Even on this forum I was told that if my husband and I never argued, we will blow up at each other at some point because we were holding it all in. I can guess that person who told me that eight years ago also had parents who fought and fought. I recall several members here told me that and I can guess the same for their parents.

Divorce is necessary to protect those who are victims of spousal abandonment, abuse, and violence. Being a child of divorced parents, and having been divorced gives me some authority when I say that no one comes through divorce proceedings unscarred. Even as an adult, I still feel abandoned by my parents. Even though I have shown my kids all of the court documents at their request - documents that show exactly who filed for the divorce and what the judge's decrees were - they still treat me as a semi-stranger in their lives.

The drawback to divorce is that is is not necessary to prove spousal abandonment, abuse, and violence any more. Instead, one person only has to claim "irreconcilable differences", and the judge will dissolve the marriage.

In my case, the "irreconcilable difference" was over my ex-wife's addictions and promiscuous behavior - I wanted her to stop her what she was doing, seek counseling, and become a better person. She wanted her pills, her alcohol, and her boyfriends.

The result? The judge awarded her custody of the kids, the house, the cars, all of our savings, and a large portion of my salary for the next 20 years. This is called a "No Fault Divorce" by those who practice "Family Law".

Iamaparakeet should be grateful that there were no children involved - only "Irreconcilable Differences".