Handling the social world in your thirties: suggestions?

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Hi everyone. I'm a 31 yr old Aspie female, officially diagnosed in 2014 after many people suspected it, myself included. I've made some big strides in recent months, but I'm still learning, and it seems like Wrong Planet might be the best place to ask.

In April, I was able to leave the loving and protective nest of my parents and join my fiance in an apartment. My parents and fiance have always been supportive; for that, I will always be exceptionally grateful.

I think I was a late diagnosis due to simply being seen as shy, nerdy (I excelled academically), weird, etc. (common among the female Aspie populace, I've learned). Nonetheless, I have some significant social problems. In our PC culture, it's not uncommon for people to hide their true thoughts; oftentimes I've come across people talking behind my back over just how strange they really think I am, how badly I read social cues, how weird and obsessive and overly analytic I am, how dangerous/insane people think I am, and so forth.

I would like to dismiss all this as just people's random and silly thoughts, but it's a common view, and it's led me to some serious social problems when I can't be assisted by either my parents or my fiance.

Most recently, I got in a big argument with someone on a popular social media site. I knew this guy vaguely from previous online discussions about a mutual shared interest. He and I disagreed on an aspect of the mutual shared interest, and all hell broke loose from there. He went on this big troll-fest, insulting me for being overly analytic, a nutjob, and so forth. I thought this was really rude, and it was, but instead of just leaving the argument, regrettably I just attacked him back. I ended up finding out where he worked, told his employer about what he did -- and with my social naivete, I was shocked that the employer did nothing. The guy continued to harass me on the social media site, and then I just blew up. I called his employer (who was out of state), told them I would be visiting them in a few days, and apparently sounded threatening enough on the phone that the police became involved, and they said I would be arrested for criminal trespassing if I showed up where the guy worked (I have no criminal history whatsoever - not even as much as a traffic ticket - but I guess I sounded "scary," which some people have said I become when I get in meltdown stage).

Needless to say, I realized by that point that things had escalated too far. I apologized and said I wouldn't keep arguing with that guy, even if he kept trolling me on the Internet (which he did, to no consequence).

However, the local police also asked me about the incident, and I guess I didn't answer things well, because my fiance was present, and I noticed he had to help me answer stuff in a more socially appropriate manner. I felt terrible afterward because I don't want to upset the police -- they have enough crap to deal with and don't need to worry about some autistic chick being socially naive -- but my fiance was able to handle everything smoothly, and finally the thing died down when they realized I wasn't going to be a "threat" to the employer.

Obviously I still have much to learn about handling problems in the social world.

Even offline, there are some issues. At church today, for instance, I could tell I was coming across somewhat awkwardly to one of the people there who was trying to kindly fellowship with me. He then apologized for making me feel uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't actually bothered by him - I'm just moderately autistic and I come across awkwardly socially - and he added that last week, I started bouncing my leg a lot when he and his wife were trying to talk to me, and he hoped they weren't annoying me too much. He did give me a friendly goodbye at the end of service, and I waved back, which I hope came across better than my previous tics and awkward silence, but I can't always tell, you know.

Anyway, all this leads up to: how does one handle the social world in your thirties? I no longer have my parents to help me out or rely upon for social cues, my fiance can't always be present due to his own work, and his lack of interest in the church (my only current social engagement besides work), and so...how am I gonna figure out how not to come across as weird/crazy to others? I've gotten rid of most social media now...but is that the answer? Would it be better to try and learn how to handle conflicts instead? Are there ways to manage the social world? Will it help the church, my employer, etc. to keep bringing up "autism" whenever awkward things come up?

Input from older Aspies, especially older female Aspies with experience, would be great.

Thanks in advance for reading this long and alarming post.

It actually gets a bit easier once you get into your 30's. Older people are less conscious of people's quirks, usually, and can see people's strengths despite having "quirks." People care less about whether you're "weird" or not, in my experience. People have other things on their minds other than judging people because they dress weird or something. This is not high school any more.

I would just continue to learn from my mistakes. I would think about what I did wrong after I made a social faux pas, and try to do better next time. I would go over it in my head, and ask my husband's input, too.

You are an intelligent person. You can progress. You have the intention to progress. All you have to do is actively progress, make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes. I've made many, many mistakes--and continue to make mistakes. I believe, though, that I learn from my mistakes, and I succeed in society for the most part, despite my being on the Spectrum.

If I knew you in person, I would be able to advise you better, I believe.