I'm HFA and really terrified at the thought of having kids
Hi folks,
I'm married (4 years now) and hit my 30s this year. I have a HFA diagnosis.
I've been stressing about the prospect of having/raising children for a very long time. It became more of a big deal once I got married, and also this year when I reached 30. Once we married, suddenly the whole world thought it was ok to nosily ask me 'when' we were going to have kids , and with the 30 thing, psychologically it just feels as though you've entered 'that' decade... the one where you have to pop one out or face being too late.
Not only do I not feel ready for it, but I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for it. I don't mean children any harm, but I am highly sensitive to noise and fairly introverted. My home is my haven, and the prospect of it being filled with shrieking, chaotic persons, constantly creating mess and needing constant attention is truly terrifying. I have a fat badass set of overhead earphones in order to cope with other peoples' children on public transport. When I see small kids, I change my route/find a different carriage to sit in, etc.
There's also the fact that I've never been able to relate to people younger than me. As a kid, I always hung out with people much older than me and never felt at home around my peers... particularly not when they were doing 'childish' things otherwise known as 'having fun' Heck I even feel awkward around my younger cousins in their 20s... somehow I rationally know they're adults, but having seen them when they were in diapers wrong-foots me and I can't relax around them. When people hand me a baby I'm like 'oh that's nice' with a forced smile on my face.
Then there's also the career thing... I'm finishing my PhD right now, and have a job lined up for next year. I know I'll always need to work just because I'm only happy when I'm hard at work on something I care about. I can't imagine not being frustrated, both with my performance as a parent and also with my progress in the workplace, if I were in a situation of juggling both career and child rearing. Also I'm very easily drained and exhausted by things, I think more than 'normal' people... and I get chronic migraines from stress and sensory overload. So the thought makes me fear that I'd be consigning myself to a life of constant exhaustion.
I'm also scared of how I'd cope if my child had a disability. There's a lot of autism in my family. Most of us are high functioning, but one of my cousins has low functioning autism (this also adds pressure, because the longer you wait to have children the higher the risk becomes).
My husband is a truly wonderful man, and he doesn't have any expectations of me. But he does have a deep desire to have a child. I think if someone really wants to be a parent, then it's a real tragedy if they can't be, so even though nobody is forcing me, I still feel as though it has to happen somehow.
I'd be interested to hear from parents on the autistic spectrum, and your experiences of raising children. Have you found it as bad as it seems to me? How do you deal with the noise? How do you balance it with your careers?
Yes, it is as bad as it seems. I use earplugs everyday. If you have a PhD, you can probably afford child care or just let your husband stay home and deal with the kid. There is a lot of anguish, everything gets trashed, smells of poop, and the crazy screaming fills the house. The lack of sleep hurts.
There are also moments of pure, incredible, delight. It wakes up forgotten feelings of growing and discovering being alive on Earth. And sometimes, joyful, pure laughter fills the house.
It is both the worst and greatest thing I have done in my life. I have only been at it 2.5 years. They keep saying it gets better.
"True rewards are ever in proportion to the labor and sacrafices made." -Nikola Tesla
There are also moments of pure, incredible, delight. It wakes up forgotten feelings of growing and discovering being alive on Earth. And sometimes, joyful, pure laughter fills the house.
It is both the worst and greatest thing I have done in my life. I have only been at it 2.5 years. They keep saying it gets better.
"True rewards are ever in proportion to the labor and sacrafices made." -Nikola Tesla
Argh... doom
Thanks though.
At the time, I didn't know I had Asperger's, and I didn't know my children had it. But they were not typically noisy, nor the house chaotic. You can train children to be respectful of the home atmosphere (if you want to run and yell, do it outside) just like you can train them to wait until after breakfast to go into the living room on Christmas morning. 18 years flies by pretty quickly, and afterwards, unless they end up in jail, you probably will not regret having at least one.
ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 67
Gender: Male
Posts: 36,127
Location: Long Island, New York
Have you discussed this with your husband?
_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
Did you also work?
What if you adopted a child of a few years of age? That would bypass you needing to take any time off for materinity, it would satisfy your husbands need for a child, he could be at stay at home parent because it's 2016 and gender roles don't matter, you could pursue your career, you could avoid the age where the child would make the most noise(babies), all while giving a child a much needed home and loving parents.
I can relate. I know persons who did choose NOT to have kids. It is perfectly OK to recognize that you make a great aunt, but would not make a great mom.
I am sound sensitive too. Yet my own infants were not quite as bad as other noises-- but unless the mom-hormones kick in hard, it could have been torture. I learned to type computer one handed with a happy baby on the breast. They are very quiet nursing, and the nursing hormones are great. I find that I am more bonded to the babies I breastfed longest. Even when doing school, I breastfed when home, and pumped enough to cover their needs when I was not there, and it worked out.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed, put on my noise blocking earphones and my husband takes the kids outside to play and give me some much needed silence. I like them much better once I've had my needed quiet.
I have not regretted having mine. My oldest and I spent a couple of hours last week playing Ingress together and chatting. He is a nice adult.
It is always a risk, but by choosing parenting methods that included always meeting needs quickly, I found I could turn off the crying faster all the time--- diaper--feed--diaper.... if nothing pleased them, on the breast they went. If that didn't, there was the baby swing, I had one who was silent and content when swinging softly in the electric baby swing.
Breast feeding was essential for me because there was no lag time between baby waking up hungry and the food being ready. I cannot think how I could have handled trying to prepare a bottle while the baby cried--oh no, I could see myself under the kitchen table babbling (an exaggeration, I find by giving myself a mental image of my meltdown that was amusing to me, that it makes it less anxiety causing to consider it and how to avoid it).
But you and your husband are the experts on your own situation.
My older daughter says she dislikes the baby stage but once they are past it, she likes her kids a whole lot. She and her husband plan to foster to adopt toddlers if they decide to add to their family. That is a different set of issues, and challenges, and might not be right for someone else.
Are you church goers? You might be able to sit in the nursery on Sundays for awhile, with and without your hearing protection, and test out your ability to adapt. Exposure to what worries you might help. Go sit at the park on Saturday when it is filled with children, and let yourself become familiar with their sorts of uniquenesses.
Take your husband sometimes too. Ask him what he likes about the thought of having children. Is he prepared to be the primary caregiver? My husband takes his kids and spends lots of time with them to give me long swaths of time to think, read, work, and be quiet. My office is blessedly quiet at home. One and Two kids were hard, by the third, the kids started entertaining each other really well, so three and up have not been so difficult but I think I spent more time talking to my oldest than I do the younger ones.
_________________
KAS
lostonearth35
Veteran
Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,732
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?
But it will get better. When they become 18 and move out of the house (hopefully).
Yeh, exactly my thought process...
We've both thought about this option a lot. While my husband is keen on the idea of adoption and fostering (I'm less keen on the fostering), he does want his own biological child too. So if we were to have kids, the priority would be raising at least one of our own before considering adoption. If I had one and it went ok, and wasn't ruining my life, I'd certainly be open to adopting. I've always thought that more people should adopt.
In terms of the gender role thing, we are both Feminists, but we treat each others' needs and wants equally, and both of us care about building rewarding careers. So I wouldn't want my husband to stay at home and not work, because he's a very smart and talented person with a lot of potential. He has already agreed that if we were to have kids he'd take on as much of the childcare responsibility as he could. If he goes into academia, as I think he will, then there is more flexibility in terms of the freedom to work from home. And my current charity work (which I'll go into full time in a few months) also allows flexibility in terms of where the work happens, and how the weekly 40hrs are made up. So that does help. But even though it does, the way I see it is 'here's a way you can make raising children and work compatible if you really want to' rather than 'here's a way you can have a really great life'. Having those two things side by side sounds very stressful and exhausting to me. Without having experienced it, it's hard to know whether I'm being too negative or not.
I don't mean this in a conceited way... I think I'd make a great Mom to my kids, but I worry it would be at the cost of my own happiness.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed, put on my noise blocking earphones and my husband takes the kids outside to play and give me some much needed silence. I like them much better once I've had my needed quiet.
I have not regretted having mine. My oldest and I spent a couple of hours last week playing Ingress together and chatting. He is a nice adult.
It is always a risk, but by choosing parenting methods that included always meeting needs quickly, I found I could turn off the crying faster all the time--- diaper--feed--diaper.... if nothing pleased them, on the breast they went. If that didn't, there was the baby swing, I had one who was silent and content when swinging softly in the electric baby swing.
Breast feeding was essential for me because there was no lag time between baby waking up hungry and the food being ready. I cannot think how I could have handled trying to prepare a bottle while the baby cried--oh no, I could see myself under the kitchen table babbling (an exaggeration, I find by giving myself a mental image of my meltdown that was amusing to me, that it makes it less anxiety causing to consider it and how to avoid it).
But you and your husband are the experts on your own situation.
My older daughter says she dislikes the baby stage but once they are past it, she likes her kids a whole lot. She and her husband plan to foster to adopt toddlers if they decide to add to their family. That is a different set of issues, and challenges, and might not be right for someone else.
Are you church goers? You might be able to sit in the nursery on Sundays for awhile, with and without your hearing protection, and test out your ability to adapt. Exposure to what worries you might help. Go sit at the park on Saturday when it is filled with children, and let yourself become familiar with their sorts of uniquenesses.
Take your husband sometimes too. Ask him what he likes about the thought of having children. Is he prepared to be the primary caregiver? My husband takes his kids and spends lots of time with them to give me long swaths of time to think, read, work, and be quiet. My office is blessedly quiet at home. One and Two kids were hard, by the third, the kids started entertaining each other really well, so three and up have not been so difficult but I think I spent more time talking to my oldest than I do the younger ones.
Hi, thanks for sharing. Did you work as well as parent?
If we had a child, I would definitely try to breastfeed as much as possible because of the huge health advantages for the child. I didn't know it produces good hormones for the Mom as well. It's good to know that you found noise from your own kids wasn't as bad as noise from others'.
Is your daughter ASD too?
One of the realities of living in England is that you live very closely with other people. Most people use public transport to some extent. My husband and I don't own a car, so we get everywhere on train, bus, bike or foot. On public transport you are always surrounded by noisy teens and their smart phones and shouts, and parents with small children. If you go anywhere public, you have it too. If you go out on a Saturday or Sunday there are always families in the shops and streets, and in cafes, parks, anywhere nice... in the evenings, Friday and Saturday, you can't get away from drunk people ... teens through to the middle aged. It's a very population dense country, with everything packed very closely together... small streets, small buildings and homes. If you go into cafes, there is less space between the tables and chairs than you'd get in the US or in South Africa (where I grew up). So I'm constantly exposed to kids, and it's unpleasant.
I've also never experienced 'broodiness', whereas most of my female friends of the same age have by now.
I grew up in a church environment, but we don't go now.
Good post, Susan. At least you are in touch with your thought process on this. It is tough in your 30s when others constantly nag you about having kids. I've come to realize that while I love children, I definitely don't want any due to the sensory overload. I can deal in small doses, and like the kids I see at work, but more than that would just be too much. Bad for them and bad for me! And the sensory holocaust I endured from my ex was more than enough of that kind of thing.
Hahah thanks.
And oh dear... She liked shouting a lot? Hubby is pretty quiet. We're both glued to our laptops normally...
something I didn't see in this thread till now: role of the grand parents
in our case: my ASD-mom is not any help, and parents of my wife are 800 miles away, but if you have them nearby they can help A LOT, taking care of the kids few days a week
what might also be helpful is taking a long maternity leave, good planning, etc
there are a lot of practical solutions, don't waist the moment and think, when hitting 40, "what if I had. ."
being allergic to sensory overload, I like to do with my daughters low sensitory things as sitting at the table and making drawings, walking in the park and feeding the ducks
Hi Susan,
After reading your post I could truly relate to how you are feeling...here is what I would like to share as someone that has felt as you do now and has actually turned down the parenting road. My 6 yr old son was dx'ed with HFA last month, and I am in the process of seeking an official dx for myself. So basically for the past 6 years my wife and I have been in a constant churn. In retrospect I did not know that what I was suffering from was AS but (nor my son for that matter) but imagine all the things that you fear about having a child and then live those fears most every day. For years I have been saying that there is no way that parenting can be this hard, but in reality it has been. My younger son (3.5 yrs) has a rare disease called F.P.I.E.S (Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome) and shows some signs that he might be on the spectrum as well and that has all added to the mix and stress of things.
Raising these two boys has by far been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do; emotionally and physically. The reality of my environment is chaotic. If not from the two little ones having a go at each other, then just the fact that there are three other people I have to share the space with. Order is a long lost dream. I have woken up almost every morning to one my kids crying, or crying out for Mom; most days I am stressed and deregulated before my feet even hit the floor. For me, my environment has been a trigger for my depression, and it has all become a vicious cycle. Luckily for my wife and I we have had the resources to seek professional help for ourselves, and both of our children. I am grateful that we know about my son early on, so that we can try and put into place a good framework for him to be able to navigate his life. As for me, I am glad to know why my life has been so challenging and am making decisions to hopefully make what's left of it more enjoyable.
Would parenting for me been any easier if my son was NT? Probably for the day to day stuff, because I cannot honestly imagine my home life being any more chaotic than it has been for the last 6 years. Having AS myself though, I still think connecting would have been difficult, as it is now. I know it would be a lot easier on my wife. She is NT with GAD, so you can imagine one less person the spectrum to contend with would have probably been welcomed.
If there is a silver lining in all of this...I would have to say once we get past the formative years (because I feel I have been and will continue to be 3 steps behind) I do think that I will be very well suited to be a good parent to both boys. If my younger one falls on the spectrum at some point...well he'll be in good company. At least at that point in the parenting journey I will be able to share my ups and downs with hopes that they can learn from it and avoid a lot of what I have had to endure.
In closing here...would I have ever chosen this set of circumstances...no, they truly are my worst nightmare. As my wife and I call it "the perfect storm" Regardless of what I would have chosen this is my reality and the good news is that this reality can always be influenced in a positive way. With that said, the Aspie side of me longs for my old life back, where things were where I left them, I could spend my time as I wanted, I didn't have to defend my personal space, I didn't have to wear headphones around the house, and I could have an enjoyable dinner out. (just to name a few) It honestly has brought my wife and I to the brink, and we are still there, reading, researching and reaching out with hopes of surviving it all. At the end of the day, you know yourself best. I think people that fear having children have that fear for a reason. I know for me it was a gut feeling, something that I always new did not appeal to me. But then life happens (literally and figuratively) and your in it. At 30, you have time to figure it out. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot with getting your PhD I can imagine that will keep you busy settling into whatever your chosen field is. All the best and Kind Regards.
in our case: my ASD-mom is not any help, and parents of my wife are 800 miles away, but if you have them nearby they can help A LOT, taking care of the kids few days a week
what might also be helpful is taking a long maternity leave, good planning, etc
there are a lot of practical solutions, don't waist the moment and think, when hitting 40, "what if I had. ."
being allergic to sensory overload, I like to do with my daughters low sensitory things as sitting at the table and making drawings, walking in the park and feeding the ducks
I'm glad to hear that you can find non stressful ways of spending time with your kids.
After reading your post I could truly relate to how you are feeling...here is what I would like to share as someone that has felt as you do now and has actually turned down the parenting road. My 6 yr old son was dx'ed with HFA last month, and I am in the process of seeking an official dx for myself. So basically for the past 6 years my wife and I have been in a constant churn. In retrospect I did not know that what I was suffering from was AS but (nor my son for that matter) but imagine all the things that you fear about having a child and then live those fears most every day. For years I have been saying that there is no way that parenting can be this hard, but in reality it has been. My younger son (3.5 yrs) has a rare disease called F.P.I.E.S (Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome) and shows some signs that he might be on the spectrum as well and that has all added to the mix and stress of things.
Raising these two boys has by far been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do; emotionally and physically. The reality of my environment is chaotic. If not from the two little ones having a go at each other, then just the fact that there are three other people I have to share the space with. Order is a long lost dream. I have woken up almost every morning to one my kids crying, or crying out for Mom; most days I am stressed and deregulated before my feet even hit the floor. For me, my environment has been a trigger for my depression, and it has all become a vicious cycle. Luckily for my wife and I we have had the resources to seek professional help for ourselves, and both of our children. I am grateful that we know about my son early on, so that we can try and put into place a good framework for him to be able to navigate his life. As for me, I am glad to know why my life has been so challenging and am making decisions to hopefully make what's left of it more enjoyable.
Would parenting for me been any easier if my son was NT? Probably for the day to day stuff, because I cannot honestly imagine my home life being any more chaotic than it has been for the last 6 years. Having AS myself though, I still think connecting would have been difficult, as it is now. I know it would be a lot easier on my wife. She is NT with GAD, so you can imagine one less person the spectrum to contend with would have probably been welcomed.
If there is a silver lining in all of this...I would have to say once we get past the formative years (because I feel I have been and will continue to be 3 steps behind) I do think that I will be very well suited to be a good parent to both boys. If my younger one falls on the spectrum at some point...well he'll be in good company. At least at that point in the parenting journey I will be able to share my ups and downs with hopes that they can learn from it and avoid a lot of what I have had to endure.
In closing here...would I have ever chosen this set of circumstances...no, they truly are my worst nightmare. As my wife and I call it "the perfect storm" Regardless of what I would have chosen this is my reality and the good news is that this reality can always be influenced in a positive way. With that said, the Aspie side of me longs for my old life back, where things were where I left them, I could spend my time as I wanted, I didn't have to defend my personal space, I didn't have to wear headphones around the house, and I could have an enjoyable dinner out. (just to name a few) It honestly has brought my wife and I to the brink, and we are still there, reading, researching and reaching out with hopes of surviving it all. At the end of the day, you know yourself best. I think people that fear having children have that fear for a reason. I know for me it was a gut feeling, something that I always new did not appeal to me. But then life happens (literally and figuratively) and your in it. At 30, you have time to figure it out. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot with getting your PhD I can imagine that will keep you busy settling into whatever your chosen field is. All the best and Kind Regards.
Thanks a lot for sharing and being honest Shark. I agree, it sounds like you did flounder into the perfect storm I do hope very much that things become easier for you and yours in time. The situation you describe sounds similar in some respects to what my Mother had to deal with. Everyone in our family but her are ASD, which mean that she had to deal with an anxious and also tactless husband while also caring for kids who just weren't behaving like all the other parent's kids no matter how many parenting manuals she read. We were all diagnosed late... 11 for my brother, 17 for me... late 40s for my Dad. There just wasn't that much understanding and knowledge in our area. But it did get easier for my Mum in the years to follow. We all learned more about ASD and that enabled us to find strategies to manage it, and the older me and my brother got, the more independent we were and the more tolerant the world around us was. Schools are pretty bad places for anybody in any way unusual. We were homeschooled eventually because the alternative caused too much stress for our family.
I do often wonder whether I'd find it easier to parent someone on the spectrum or a neuro typical... much like you, I imagine I might find it easier to relate to someone who was more like me, but it feels like such a pandoras box, what kind of difficulties a child will be born with, and how much of a struggle it will be to give them a good life (not to mention yourself). Anyway, thanks again for sharing.
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
New here. A little terrified? |
07 Nov 2024, 7:58 am |
I thought she was my friend |
Yesterday, 5:21 am |
I thought she was interested, but she rejected me |
02 Dec 2024, 5:39 pm |
Drunk animals far more common than previously thought |
30 Oct 2024, 4:36 pm |