I am lost (in my marriage, and new to AS)

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

I'm a married adult (30's), self diagnosed AS, would like a diagnosis but not sure how to get one although that may change soon since this likely runs in the family. Since childhood I have been weird, still am and I'm proud of myself in terms of what I have done creatively and technically. But I struggled socially as an adolescent and young adult, words did not roll off my tongue the way they did for others nor was I apt to detect (or if I did, I didn't care) the social norms I was expected to follow, nor did I find I had much in common with most others out there unless they were obsessed with the same things I was. I have also had an unexplained arm flapping behavior I've done since childhood when I get too excitable, which continues to this day (albeit in private). Tried to get a diagnosis of something, anything as a late teen but was instead given an IQ test which I scored highly on, thus the doctors assured me I was completely normal. My parents and school called me gifted and apparently nobody in my area had ever heard of AS in the late 80's or 90's.

I have made it through alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and what I perceive to be abuse at the hands of others, came out victorious but scarred. Yet I tried my best to integrate (probably why I had an alcoholic phase) and eventually ended up with a job I never thought I'd have, and a wife and kids I also thought I'd never have, a house I own, and more. I support a family on my own, have friends, and people do not immediately think I'm off as I've learned to fit in. People who do not have an intimate relationship with me (and my wife is the only person I am intimate with), like friends, family and coworkers all see me as a friendly, colorful and eccentric guy (I honestly do percieve myself as liked and appreciated in these circles), though maybe occasionally self-centered and overly sensitive (I often question myself, i.e. whether or not I acted properly, especially after opening up in conversation about anything, etc.).

Life is still hell half the time though. My wife seems to hate my guts, I live in fear of pissing her off because I can't deal with the absurd amount of negative feelings our conflicts produce. I try to do as she asks (I sincerely want to make her happy), but never find balance, and it always feels artificial because I'm always trying to figure out what that is. I've hardened around her criticism over the years and I'll either tune out, get angry, or feel triggered (sometimes for days) when she has a problem with me (and it seems she's always got a problem with me). I can't pretend to be an NT all the time around a person I am married to. It's exhausing. I literally hover aroudn her waiting for her to tell me what to do sometimes, because if I do what I want I'm selfish, if I do what I think she wants I'm doing it wrong or not at all, so I'm constantly living in a state of cognitive dissonance.

She recently put it all together that I must be AS, and in the process found for the first time something that truly describes me. It would explain the multiple failed attempts at marriage counseling, personal counseling, my childhood, the social struggles, the people pleasing, obsessions, anxieties, my apparent impossibility to understand what my wife needs at any given time. Now she wants me to see a therapist again, but this time under the auspices of AS so they can do it right. She resents me for all these years of being damaged goods and her not knowing it (I never hid this stuff from her, but never knew this was AS until just recently).

So I am at a crossroads. I feel tremendous pain over the damaged relationship, but don't know how to fix it, exit it, or what the hell I'm supposed to do. I feel resentment towards my wife because regardless of what she thinks about me I feel as if I've sacrificed tremendously to be in this relationship. I've been attempting to fix myself for many years... sometimes it was for the best (stopping alcoholism and other destructive behaviors), other times I just try to do as I'm told and have no idea why other than to keep her from getting pissed seemingly at random. She expects me to take the lead on this now that we finally understand what this is, and I agree it's worth learning more about now that we have a real context. I hope I can.

The biggest problem I have right now is lack of support, knowledge and experience from real people and faith that this will change for the better. I am so exhausted with being "the problem" in my wife's life that sometimes I don't know know if it's worth it to continue putting in the effort for this relationship, as if maybe had I known a decade or two ago, maybe I would have stood a chance but now I'm so often too bitter, tired, and resentful towards her to care. Not to mention I believe she has deep issues of her own that she refuses to address, but now that she has labeled me AS (and I can't deny it - I'd love to not be, but this truly seems what I am and have been all along), she comes off as beyond repreoach and unwilling to make any concessions. I haven't felt loved in a very long time, and the saddest part is that my wife truly feels as if you could take almost everything I've said in this post, flip it upside down and apply it to how she feels in the relationship. She thinks I am an egotist because I am proud of my skills and passions (I define myself by them, it was a coping mechanism developed as a young adult) who is incapable of loving her, a narcissist due to the effort I will make to connect with friends over obsessive interests yet not connect with her (for years we did connect over an obsessive creative interests... but that ended once we had children), a bad father because when she attacks me I shut down and can barely function due to the stress, and a monster who owes her for grievances I have fought to overcome in the past, like alcoholism and anxiety which today I believe are ultimately just components of the bigger AS picture I've discovered.

I know I have hurt her, I have tried to take responsibility so many times and in so many ways, only to again fail. I have learned much in AA (drop those resentments, practice acceptance, accept my faults and learn), and more superfically in Zen Buddhism (meditation), books about marriage, and physical things like diet and excersise. Nothing seems to stick though as it never stikes at the heart of the problem... and my faith is getting weak.

Any guidance, support and love you all might have to share is appreciated. I'm sorry this is so long, or if any of it seems like a rant towards my wife, or a victim whining about his life. I don't want to come off that way. I want to beat this and I just assumed the more information the better, probably to a fault.

Thank you for this forum and for reading.

There are books out there on how to have relationships if your partner is on the spectrum--might be useful to start reading some of them.

The toughest thing about AS is that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses--and just because you are good at something--like math for instance--doesn't mean that you won't do even better at something like writing--if you would just stick it out for a little while.

I've put your quotes in bold, rather than quoting them all bit by bit...

Now she wants me to see a therapist again, but this time under the auspices of AS so they can do it right.

Are you happy to do this, now that you are aware of your situation? I'm a strong believer that the compromise has to come from both sides in any relationship, but also that love is worth fighting for (to a certain point). If she's suggesting therapy then I assume that she does want to make this work, so is this something that you're happy to try again?

She resents me for all these years of being damaged goods and her not knowing it (I never hid this stuff from her, but never knew this was AS until just recently).

Has she said or implied this?

If so, I think this is a terrible.

I certainly didn't know about being autistic when I married my husband. I, admittedly, have since worried that I'm 'damaged goods' and that he should have known this about me before we got married, to make the decision for himself about whether he wants to 'deal with that', but honestly that's a ridiculous thought process from my point of view - and he's said the same himself.

He loves me, regardless of the autism. The diagnosis didn't change me from the person that he married, aside from me being more relaxed and being able to be open about how my brain works.

Regardless, I couldn't have been expected to give any kind of warning about something I didn't even know about myself!

None of us can predict everything that we're getting into when we marry. And not only that, we all change throughout our lives in big ways and small, and a big part of marriage is evolving and growing together. That's what you do, for love.

If she's expressed that she's upset that she didn't know earlier and feels like this wasn't part of the deal, then the therapy would be pointless. Those are the words of a woman that isn't bringing love into this, unfortunately. "I didn't sign up to this, and if I'd known then I wouldn't have" implies that the autism is a dealbreaker.

She expects me to take the lead on this now that we finally understand what this is, and I agree it's worth learning more about now that we have a real context. I hope I can.


To some extent, you will have to.

For some time after I started self-diagnosing, I was getting to grips with what my autism meant and my husband would point out if I was doing "something autistic" so that I could understand when my behaviour wasn't fitting with what most people would do. This helped me to understand how the autism was affecting me.

Now, much later and with official diagnosis, I feel that I understand how autism affects me much better. I've had a lot of time to learn! This means that it's now up to me to take the lead suggesting things that help me, or simply saying "I can't do this, I need help". But, if I do the latter, he then finds ways to support me.

It can't all be left to one person - that wouldn't work - but you will have to take the lead because she can't see how it's affecting you.

but now that she has labeled me AS (and I can't deny it - I'd love to not be, but this truly seems what I am and have been all along), she comes off as beyond repreoach and unwilling to make any concessions.

Again, this is concerning. This shouldn't be a blame game. The focus needs to be on working together and finding ways to move forward, not placing blame. It sounds like she's found her excuse to put all of the negatives of the marriage onto you, which doesn't leave much hope for the future.

She isn't the problem, and I suppose 'technically' you might be, from an NT perspective, because you're the one that doesn't fit with what's 'normal', so it's alright for her to say "I wish I'd understood why all this was happening", but "you have autism so it's your fault" is nowhere near the same.

and a monster who owes her for grievances I have fought to overcome in the past, like alcoholism and anxiety which today I believe are ultimately just components of the bigger AS picture I've discovered.


The fact is, she stuck with you at the time. She can't call that wasted time because she now understands you as autistic, when she spent that time with you before she knew about autism. If it's a big issue, you leave at the time. If it wasn't a big enough issue to leave over at the time, then it shouldn't be dragged up again in the future.

Those would be my thoughts on all of this. I don't imagine it's much help to you, but from the perspective of an autistic person in a good, strong and happy marriage, I wanted to at least point out that what you're dealing with now is not a simple fault of being in a mixed NT-AS relationship. It's something more, and needs to be dealt with somehow.

If you can tell us where you very generally are located we have people here who can help you with what is involved in getting a professional diagnosis.

Not only do you need a new or updated diagnosis, you guys are in serious need of marriage counseling. Better to fix the marriage or find out if your marriage is beyond repair before kids become involved.

"My wife seems to hate my guts".
That is something that you really really need to know if it is true or not.

All of my post is based on real things, real words. Not sure if I ever really felt accepted for who I really was, or that I was what she really wanted, but it's hard to know because we were both a mess when we met, and after she quit being a mess I continued to be one for several more years. I try not to think much about the past, because if she hadn't loved me for whatever reasons back then I might have ended up dead in an abandonment with an empty vodka bottle nearby. Or maybe not, who knows... but I count my blessings. I was an alcoholic clueless about AS despite having tried to figure out why the hell I was so different, who for the first 7 years of our relationship couldn't see anything beyond how unfair the world seemed to me, how made up it was of other people's rules that I couldn't figure out. Who knows what she really felt back then. It's a shame, a period of my life I regret. But it's also a lot of years in the past now and I don't want to be judged and resented for it today.

Regarding a diagnosis I'm in the St. Louis area, if anybody knows of a good doc to see. My daughter is getting screened next week, and apparently this same doc can screen adults, but I'd still take the info... they had a dismissive attitude towards my inquiries when I asked.

Marriage counseling has been attempted twice, both times failed. This happened prior to coming across all this AS info though. I would try it again if I can get an actual diagnosis (or even without, if the therapist had an understanding that it's a real thing).

And about my wife hating my guts... she's said far, far worse than that (to be fair, so have I). We have said things in our fights that would chill your blood. I don't know what is real and what's not a lot of the time, but I'd like to believe that stuff isn't the truth. I don't know how it could be if we are still together, but there are deep resentments that have to be worked out.

sorry to hear of the hard times you are going through. not sure if i can offer great advice but your situation is almost identical to mine.

i would agree counseling with an AS specialist therapist should help. our therapist can say the same thing i do but my wife will believe the therapist more than my thoughts feelings. the therapist can add validation of your challenges that your wife may take to heart. i have heard horror stories about therapy involving non-AS specialist as they try to put you into the nt box which just doesnt work.

i guess comes down to time and how adaptable and willing your wife and you can be.

wish you the best of fortune

98 percent of autism research and services money goes for people who are not adults, so even many if not most autism experts have little or dated knowledge of how autism presents in adults.

This was the only contact I could find in your city.
Jean Lash
(314) 909-0170
High Functioning Autistic Groups, 12510 Ridgefield Dr.
Saint Louis, MO
Support Services
Support Group Meetings, Support Organization

You can check if local universities are conducting research and need subjects.

Thanks for the support contact. I'm looking harder into getting a formal diagnosis and for the time being we're setting some communication rules that create space and clarity.

I agree seeing a therapist when nobody knows there is ASD (and/or the therapist isn't qualified to deal with it) could be harmful, in fact that was our experience.

We're hanging in there for now.

A lot of what you said reminds me of my first marriage. Neither of us knew I was autistic, and I, too, found myself trying to cater to her every demand in order to avoid conflict. I felt terribly manipulated.
I don't think it helps your relationship to deprive yourself of the things you like to do just to avoid being labeled "selfish". If she's demanding so much of you what does that make her?
I suggest you try to harden yourself to such criticism, and think about what is a reasonable amount of time to devote to your interests, and what you are willing to contribute to your relationship. Be prepared to calmly defend your position.
Couples counseling did not go well for us. It was mainly a lot of "How do you feel about that?" questions that left me at a great disadvantage.
If you don't find a therapist who understands the dynamics of NT-AS relationships, a professional mediator might be a good option. A good mediator will work towards resolving conflict without getting side-tracked by emotional distractions.

Here are a couple of links. My wife read the relationship book and got a lot out of it.

Loving Someone with Asperger's ....

and here is a book that was recommended to my wife and I from our family Psychologist.

The 5 Love Languages

(Hope the links worked)

Our marriage was on the brink; we are slowly moving away from the edge. It's a slow process, but one thing is for sure, communication is key, be it love language, or Aspie/NT language. All the best and kind regards.