I wanna have sex but can't

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Okay just being brutally honest here.
Thought that this most adult part of the forum may provide some insight.

I am married. We used to have awesome sex. But then the diagnosis of our child came. Then diagnosis of my husband. And now me, maybe.

It seems that sex has become such a heavy subject. There is so much tension in our relationship. I no longer feel comfortable being naked. I don't like his nakedness either especially since he put on many pounds.

I have a lot of trouble with body smells as well.

It seems like there are so many barriers I would be happy with just the occasional hug or masturbation. But he wants more.

Any tips or experiences?
Thanks

Would I be correct in saying that you want sex, but not with him as it stands? Thats just what im interpreting here.

Could be.
Not sure.
There are people in my life that I find attractive.
But I wouldn't like sex with them either.
I think I am just confused about sex and my own body-image in general.

I have noticed that people put a lot of weight on sex in context of a relationship. I personally dont see it as a relevant component. But that is because of my own viewpoints.
So it is difficult for me to advise as such unless theyre on the same page as me.

Yeah, i know. Im about as helpful as a rock building a jet engine.

What are your viewpoints?
It might help as atm I would like to care less.

Have you talked with your partner about how concerned you are about his health and the fact that he's put on a lot of weight? That could help things.

Men require sex in a relationship or they are going to get it elsewhere, such as from an affair or prostitute. If you are okay with him doing that, then by all means continue denying him sex. If you are not okay with that, then either you or he need to make some lifestyle changes.

Sure.
Tried the talking.
Didn't work as it leads to severe melt downs on his side. Also there is the auditory issues where he simply doesn't remember what I said.
Emails help to some extend.
Mostly leads to frustration as he repeats that I should just accept him how he is.

I don't deny sex.
I just refuse to only have sex on his terms.
Sex has 2 sides for me: a way to connect and a way to cater to mutual needs. It's not a one way street. I am not a prostitute.
I am fine with him paying for services. We talked about that.
It was funny.
Because his reaction was: why should I pay for sex when I can get it for free? He's anal about spending money.

Well I explained sex with me is not free. I deserve love, kindness and attention. I deserve at least the courtesy of both of us having a shower and a shave before engaging in sex.
In a logical way it should be a mutual beneficial transaction imho.

Suggestions on how to communicate these points are appreciated.
Thanks

I want to make sure I understand correctly, so I wanna toss some words in your direction to see if I get the gist of it... lemme know if I'm wrong here, ok?

The two of you had/have some serious life events happens and that put a strain on your relationship. You mention more than one diagnosis, so I assume there were not so great things going on during those times since a dx or more generally do not happen when all is swell in the world. Was that the first thing that happened to put some distance between you and the spouse where sex is concerned?

You mention your own body issues as well and I was curious where those are coming from. You mentioned he put on weight... is that an issue for you as well or does your discomfort with yourself come from something(s?) else? I do not understand.

I'm also confused and kinda concerned about his reaction to conversations about this. I understand in a way that talks of this nature can put a person who already has insecurity issues on the defensive. Hm. Not saying that right. Not trying to say he's insecure... just wondering if he is already in a place where he is feeling less than great about himself. That might put him in an place where it's harder to be receptive. I say that mostly to remind myself that him not listening is not necessarily a jerkish move on his part. I know nothing of his general temperament. How does he normally behave towards you? Is he generally good to you and cares about/respects your needs and concerns? I don't understand if this is a sex based/physical thing only or if part of your disconnect stems from not feeling that you are not getting love/kindness/attention in many aspects of your life together.

As for the shower part, have you tried pouncing on him when he does shower and shave? It might be the encouragement he needs to continue with these hygiene habits.

Thank you so much Dossa for the very good and insightful questions.
I would like to answer them in depth.
But I just realized that this part of the forum is public. And the details are too graphic to be family friendly.
So I will open a new thread in the adult section next week and provide more details. Will pm you the link.
Thanks again for your kindness.

People are all different, some have high sex drive, some low - some require constant sexual contact with their partner and some others just need some cuddling and can take care of the animal stuff on their own. Compatibility would be great, but the existence of a great number of axes on which people can differ means that in practice no one is truly compatible with anyone else. The paranoia starts when we are brainwashed into thinking that that is wrong and that two people should match perfectly in all respects.

Sure.
In theory.
In practice some kind of mutually satisfactory connection on the physical level is key to the overall satisfaction w the relationship imho.

I agree 100% with that sentiment.

Thank you for posting this thread. I've wanted to address this, but I wasn't sure how to talk about it.

I want to have sex. Well, my body does, and I'm theoretically OK with that. But there are hormones involved in sex that make it seem actually like a good idea at the time, and I don't seem to get those. I think this is my issue, but this may not be what OP was writing about (awesome name, by the way, HelloSweetie!).

I can get around this if I make being interested in sex a special interest -- like reading academic books on human sexuality (it works for me). But honestly, it's a boring subject overall.

It's not that I don't find him attractive. I just don't find sex appealing at any given moment.

Well personally I don't see a romantic relationship without sex as anything more than an overglorified roommate; kind of defeats the whole purpose.

I had a wife (divorced now), when we married she weighed right around 110-120 pounds, then over the years she started to gain weight, in the end the doctors couldn't weigh her on their scales, well over 400 pounds..

Then add to this, she kept trying to blame me for her weight problems while she her self did not want to do anything about it, and she started to get vary nasty and mean.

After a point, even though I loved (or more like a love hate relationship after a point) her, I couldn't look at her and make my self become interested, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't do it. all that fat to where I couldn't find the right wrinkle to the sweet spot, all that smell of sweaty rolls of skin, when I tried to penetrate her I could barely enter her there was so much fat in the way, and when she threw her leg over me I felt pinned and couldn't move, and when she tried getting on top i felt crushed,. so I gave up having sex with her,, she complained bitterly to her councilors that I didn't want to have sex with her anymore and they kept trying to push me into it saying use it or lose it, and a bit later we divorced, (and then she lost her weight so she can attract a new man, go figure)..

so in a way I know how you feel.

You're a Sweetie....I hope I can get you into sex again

(You know I'm just ribbing you a little bit!)