New stepson doesn't like being told to stop.

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I do not usually speak up for myself but I am protective of the people I love and will not put up with anyone abusing them.

I have been listening to my new stepsons give thier dad crud about nothing every time they talk to him. This upsets him to the point that he does not want to talk to them and won't answer the phone when they call. I go through the same things when my own daughter calls me. In both cases we do occasionally talk to these children who are all NT 22, 29, 30, (32) years old. We talk to them because almost ALL conversations are like this and if we didn't talk to them at all because of these outbursts that they think are funny I am sure they would think they were cut off.

Last night I got into a protective mode and layed into the 30 year old for giving his dad crud. He calls up to ask questions about auto mechanical issues. Dad gives his son very good advice (dad builds race car engines and races the cars) then the son turns right around and basically tells his dad he is a lier and doesn't know what he is talking about. This upsets his dad and makes me mad. The 30 year old thinks it is funny and admits to doing it just to get his dad riled up.

I told this 30 year old adult child that there are better ways of going about saying "Dad I miss you and just want to hear your voice." He said that that is just the way they communicate. I told him that that is just an excuse for bad behavior. The 30 yr old's wife sent me a bible passage saying I should not throw stones unless I am sin free.

It goes on from there. Now they don't want to talk to me. I would rather them hate me for telling them to stop the stupidity than hate thier dad for saying the same thing. Actually he has said it but they just don't get it, so I said it. Kids don't understand what they put thier parents through until thier own children do the same things to them. In this case only the 32 year old has kids.

Ok. So maybe I should have put this in a rant section. I just wondered why NT kids do this to thier parents and why they think it is acceptable behavior. For all I know maybe it is acceptable behavior in the NT world. NT people do seem to do a lot of things that are strange to me such as lying when they clearly know it is wrong, yet somehow acceptable. ???

C'est la vie.

Are you or their father on the Autism Spectrum?
My observation of people on the spectrum is that they appear to be making things up -lying.
That's how they look to others. No matter how many times they are proven correct -very, very correct- nor how surprisingly, rarely they are shown to be incorrect they are most often doubted outright.



For your specific situation I have this unsolicited advice regarding Relationship Tolerance for both of you. =)

Thank you for replying. I was diagnosed with Aspergers last July and am learning why so many things in my life are this way. As time goes on I am seeing that people see me as either stuck up or stupid when I do not join a conversation Likewise they also view me as stuck up when I do join in on something that is a special interest. I am passionate about certain subjects of course therefore I do talk about them with a sort of flair. I do not understand why someone would say things they do not mean as a joke. If this type of behavior is a joke of some kind it is what I see as a mean joke.

I do not lie because I feel uncomfortable with it and I am not good at it.

All three of his children are against me now because of what amounts to a boundry and control issue. They think I am controling there father in a bad way and think I have stepped into thier mothers role but I am not. He controls his life. This is my household and I have certain rules in my home, one of which is have respect and decency towards other people. Mother passed away just over a year ago. I met my husband eight months later.

What the 30 year old is doing is disrespectful, rude, mean, and abusive. I could go on but I think you understand what I am trying to say.

I gotta say if someone called me, an grown up person, having a own family, being active in work life and having experiences, renewing a house ... and then someone would want to talk to me, as if I was a kid, a child, as you mention if more then one time, and think of me to behave as a kid and a child, I would make fun of that person as well. Your sprouts are grown up beings, having an own life, own adult responsibilities, no kids, no teenagers. You have raised them, and that should earn respect. But respect doesnt mean to behave like a schoolkid again, when you call. They cant do that, because they are no schoolkids anymore.

To treat grown up people and regard to them as kids and children, is as well no good behaviour. I think maybe thats, what they wanted to point on with that bible message.

You dont need to let yourself put through for your children, because you dont have small children anymore, you are responsible for.

Sorry, I had the same issues with my dad, and yes I shutted him out of my life, until he was able to understand that it is my life, that I am a grown up person. I respect and know that he has more experiences then I have, and respect his oppinion, when I ask for it. But I dont respect him, if he disrespects me, treats me like a kid, amd thinks that he has to tell me his oppinion about everything, that I need to live my life the way it would please him. Because it must please me.

The reason, why I simply shutted him out, because it was simply not possible to do normal chatting with him. The moment I told about anything I planned to do, or what happened, he started to tell me what to do and how to behave, as if I was a little kid. And if I would do anything on purpose in another way, that he would do, because it pleases me that way, he couldnt handle it in any way, because I was still his little kid, and parents want to do for their little kids, as they think its best. Thats a nice thing, but the problem is, what parents see what is best, is best on their own experiences and what would comfort them best. That sometimes other things are for me the best, and things that are absolutly important for them to be happy, dont have any effect for me, he couldnt understand.

Your duty as a parent is to raise your kid, keep it from harm until its able to see and manage harms itself and teach it to care for it as an adult. And thats what you have done.

But now your job is being a councelor for them. A person with experience, being able to give them advice, when they come for you and seek. But not their nanny. If they would need still a nanny with average 25 years old, then you would have done the job of raising kids pretty wrong.

Since visits at my parents place are no stressfull military management counsoltations anymore, but relaxed meetings, where I can chat without needing to think of, what I dont have to say to my parents, because instead they get into their preaching and teaching again as to a kid, isntead of the relaxed chatting that it should be as adult family members meeting each other, we all have much more fun with having contact.



If one of your households rule is treating adult family members, like babies that have to report to you, instead of grown up family members, then you are a hypocrite, because either all have to act to your rules or none. If you dont respect your own rule of treating others with respect, decency, rude mean and abusive. So if you show them yourself, that you dont hink that your houserules are important and dont need to be cared for, why should they do so? I live in a region with much mountain, and we have a saying: "The way you call out, the way it will return." (Means the echo.)

As long as I wasnt welcome at my parents place, meaning the adult person that I am, responsible for my own life, and not a little kid that I am no more, as long I couldnt welcome them in my life, because the only life I can welcome then is my life and that is the life of an adult person. I simply dont have another life to welcome then.

I understand your point of view.

The 30 year old is disrespecting his father in this case. All I did was tell him to stop disrespecting his father. The 30 year old does not like me telling him to stop disrespecting his father. Father backs me up.

I did not raise the 30 year old. I do not care how he runs his life or what he does. I do not live with him. All I care for is that he treats others with respect as he would like those same people to do to him.

I did not call him a child to his face. However he will always be his fathers child no matter how old he gets.