Being a parent and neurodiverse

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Hi all,

I'm starting this thread because I'm HFA and a parent... and I've been told that my HFA will make me not be a "good" parent. However, the same people said "they can't prove this" because "there's no research".

So, I'd like this thread to be about a few things:
1. Any issues you've encountered as a parent who is neurodiverse, and if/how you managed them
2. Any similarities or otherwise you have with you child/children
3. Any joys your child/children bring you (in an effort to ensure this thread doesn't become too dark
4. What does it mean to be a "good parent" anyway?

I sincerely hope that in the process we can avoid anyone else going through what we have!

Thanks!

This is an interesting thread. I think there is controversy about the definition of a "good parent".
I'm on the spectrum but am interested in the responses you get to this thread.

Exactly re "good parent". The controversy is because different people mean different things by it!

Anyway, I realised I didn't actually answer my own initial questions! So here goes:

1. My main issue is trying to "organise" my daughter's feelings properly. Not only was this not done for me as a child, my emotions are more raw than usual (I think because of my hfa???) so they get in the way of recognising her feelings.

2. (a) My daughter is unbelievably musical. Not quite 2 but already clapping in time rhythmically but also singing.

2. (b) My daughter is also already quite forthright with what she wants. Unlike me, though, she's much more assertive about it... I'm still learning this!

3. She loves cuddles and loves to dance. She's got an amazing capacity for viewing the world in a fresh way and wants to experiment with everything (OK, sometimes this causes problems but we watch her like a hawk!)

4. I think a "good parent" is one who raises their child/children to be successful adults, able to cope on their own and be "good parents" in turn. Feel free to disagree

I have a PDD (was Aspergers, then I think it was changed to PDDNOS, but I am not sure if they did that officially or not... I did not care either way), OCD, GAD, and a dissociative disorder. I also have two biological children, two step children, and over the years have had several other children live in my home, under my care, and they call me mom as well, though none of them are mine or my husband's children. I am not sure if you only want bio kids included or not.

1. One issue that immediately comes to mind would be in regards to my youngest bio daughter. She is very much a girly girl and very much an extrovert. It has always been a problem to her that I am not a typical mom who goes on shopping/lunch/nail or hair salon mommy daughter days with her and intuitively knows how to speak too her during these outings to get her to open up to me about her life. It has always bothered her that we never could do things like that to her satisfaction.

I would take her out for lunch sometimes and I am willing to do her hair and nails in the home. It was not the same for her but I cannot function in hair/nail salons. I also cannot handle restaurants so well. I find them to be a sensory nightmare as well. I tried to take walks alone with her to give her talk room, but I never did figure out what I was supposed to say to 'make' her talk. She never did tell me what I was supposed to say to her.

2. Similarities... this one made me immediately think of the children that are not mine or my husbands. It always surprised me when we had other people's children live with us because they all seemed to really thrive in an environment of routine, consistency, no yelling, structure... they had this need for 'boring' sameness. There was one young lady in particular, she was telling me one day how she thought it was funny that even though I have ore diagnosis' than the other mom's she knows, I was by far the only one who acted like a mom. I did not think I was being mom-ish, it was just that my own structure/sameness needs tend to mirror those needs in children/teens.

On a more comical note... my oldest bio daughter came over yesterday for a bit and she and I were sitting on the floor talking. She stretched and I stuck my finger in her armpit. She laughed, kinda play swatted at me, the proceeded to say something like "Oh! Mom! Remember how when we were kids you would do things like that? I do things like that now and I'm always pinning people down and licking them or poking them and they think I'm weird, but I just tell them it's how I was raised.". Heh heh. She is a responsible young woman with her stuff together, but she manages to maintain a childlike sense of fun and silly now and then. That put a smile on my face.

3. Joys? They are amazing people with thoughts and feelings all their own and they share these things with not only me, but those in their lives that they value. They are good people and it has been wonderful being able to be there and be in their lives... from babies to kids, to teens, to the adults they are becoming. Each stage in life brings different kids of 'joys'. Also, each child brings a 'joy' unique to them. This one is hard to answer because there are so many answers. To sum them all up... I am floored by how 'good' they all are. They are open minded, thoughtful, kind, funny, insightful, creative... the list goes on. I am a better person for having them in my life.

4. I have no idea what it means to be a good parent. I joke sometimes that you can tell how good of a job you did, as a parent, by how many years of therapy your kids need as adults. I dunno. I guess it would come down to trying to do right by them... but what a child needs varies child by child. I think it is important to me to recognize that and do your best to give each child what it is that they do need. I think being a good parent is heavily steeped in unconditional love and support... by being there, standing by them, encouraging and supporting them but also corralling them back on the right path when they start trying push boundaries. I also think being clear about what is expected of them is important, as well as being realistic and fair.

I'm just going to answer questions one and four, as the other two feel too broad to me. I have many similarities with my children, and they bring me many joys. It's too difficult to prioritize what to mention and what to leave out.

1. One of my main difficulties is dealing with people outside my family (school staff, etc.). I have a lot of social anxiety, which stems largely from a desire to disguise my own neurodiversity. Therefore, I don't sign my kids up for as many social activities as I think other people do, and when I do accompany them to such activities I try to dress as well as possible (I'm often overdressed, actually) and stay as quiet and far from other parents as I can reasonably manage. Often I will stress all day, or even for several days, about these events.
My other main difficulty is that I desire a lot of alone time, and I hate noise and mess. I don't have meltdowns over it, but I do get upset sometimes and yell at everyone to pick up their stuff. To be fair, though, I think most parents dislike all the noise and mess, regardless of whether they have ASD. And my husband tries to give me as much alone time as he can, so I'm lucky in that regard.

4. My definition of a good parent is someone who makes their children's lives enjoyable and safe, while also preparing them to be competent, responsible, happy adults. It doesn't mean you have to be perfect every minute and feed your kids organic kale while holding yoga poses.

1. Any issues you've encountered as a parent who is neurodiverse, and if/how you managed them
I encounter many issues on a daily basis with my two sons(6yr HFA 4yr ASD suspected). Some are sensory driven, such as: high pitched screaming, defending my personal space, the overall energy level of our household, surrender of my own time, and at times lack of engagement. I have sought out parenting strategies, I try to employ patience and understanding, solitude, and also recognizing that sometimes the best thing for me to do is remove myself from the room/house.


2. Any similarities or otherwise you have with you child/children
My oldest who who has been dx'ed is like a little mini me. Our gifted characteristics are the same. Even though there is a 37 yr difference between us it's amazing to see the similarities. Some days that can bring a smile, and other times it can be a reminder of past struggles and a bit of a downer

3. Any joys your child/children bring you (in an effort to ensure this thread doesn't become too dark
He has a heart of gold, has genuine compassion, is developing a great sense of humor, and he draws me pictures of all kinds of stuff
4. What does it mean to be a "good parent" anyway?
some days for my wife and I that means keeping them alive until breakfast, it means continuing to fight for quality information, making educated decisions, allowing them to experience their world their way and not project our histories and biases on them, it means taking care of yourself so you can be "the best you" for everyone involved, it means to be able to set your ego and pride aside and ask for help when it is needed, it means for an Aspie parent with an Aspie child you do all that you can to put into place a mental and financial framework that will allow them to live a life that will have options, fewer struggles, healthy sense of self, I think it means being their for them every step of the way. My kids could have been NT Angels and I would have still had a lot of difficulty. It is the toughest thing that I have ever done

I am being told the same, as my communication as is poor verbally. I do well, with written communication, but told due to this quirky style I am harming children. I speak to my lot, and people I know who but combination of select mute and speech fluency issues means no one understands my speech.
I am currently having to prove again that I am a good mum, I do need support for excutive functioning, accessing services etc, but this is not a reflection on my parenting skills. As with every part of society, some of us make good parents, some don't. Aspie does not really come into that, but your style may be more unusual than some. If you want to be a parent, go for it, make sure you have parenting classes, and services that are accessible to you as an aspie parent. Be prepared to explain yourself and your needs.
My children have brought me great joy, allowed me to be part of the community more, given me more insight to nt and to my ability's and shortcomings. I am constantly learning new things about my children and as they now start being more independent, it is wonderfully to see their owns lives developing.