Accepting and Forgiving Previous Screwups

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I am late diagnosed (38 years old) and am 46 now. I am finally being treated and supported and am beginning to find my feet. But I have screwed up majorly in the past and often memories haunt me. I want to forgive myself and leave the past in the past and move on, but I can't seem to forgive myself for my past behaviour and experiences.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Although I'm not in treatment, I think I know how you feel.

So I can recall reading somewhere that depression can be linked to shame. I can vividly remember being told what a bad person I am, being given a strong impression that I should be ashamed of myself, how nobody would ever like me and it would be entirely my fault.

To this day, I will randomly remember inappropriate things I have said and done, especially as a young person, and will shudder with shame.

My wife just said something to me earlier today about not apologizing for myself (sorry I can't recall her exact words). It's one thing to avoid apologizing and something else entirely to think of oneself as normal. The latter is impossible. My plan in life has been to accept the fact that I'll never be normal and take pride in my ability to compensate.

You can at least try to tell yourself you're really not a bad person, but it's a daily struggle.

BTW I happened to be in your town in late August. As it happened, we had been staying at a place nearby, the dude goes into Kingston most days to work (not in a office, he's the sort of person whose livelihood involves driving a pickup truck or it may also be a panel van, I don't recall exactly). So two nights before, I had been sitting in his house watching the Tragically Hip concert that I'm certain you also saw. There was also alcohol involved, which added to my enjoyment. It made me feel very welcome in your country. As to how I came to be in that situation, I'll just say there's a somewhat distant family relationship (beginning with my mother's first cousin). So on our way to (ultimately) Toronto, we stopped over in Kingston for lunch, and saw the large square in which people had been watching the concert on Jumbotron.

Yes (unbeknownst to my wife) I did think of you. Always wishing you the best!

Me too. It's like it just happened no matter how long ago it was.


That's a good plan.


Ah that's nice. Too bad we couldn't have met up while you were in town. I did indeed watch the Hip concert. From my Mom's couch. I did not want to be in the large crowd that assembled in the market and I couldn't afford tickets to the arena. But I liked watching it on CBC.
Too bad you had to go to Toronto. I can't stand that city - big, ugly and dirty.
Were you in South Frontenac? It's gorgeous out that way.

You could, maybe, write-down all the things you feel you majorly screwed-up, and then burn the paper (symbolic of "letting go" / forgiving yourself / etc.). If you think of something else, just do it again. If, after doing this, for awhile, you think "Oh, MAN, I think I ALREADY wrote that one down and burned it"----don't worry yourself about it, just continue-on with your routine, and let yourself off-the-hook, about forgetting.

Yeah; when the memories pop into my head, I try to just let them pass on their way instead of embracing the feeling.

I sometimes randomly realise little things I've said or done in the past were bad.

There are a few big things I have done that it's hard to forgive myself for, because they severely affected other people. I don't know how to forgive myself for those, and I think it feels all the worse for not knowing at the time that what I did was wrong (it would have been obvious to a normal person).

Actually it's more complex than that; in one case I now know what I did was wrong, but I still don't feel like it was, though I try to be penitent. In the other I actually stand by what I did, but I've been told it was very wrong. I don't know how to feel about that one, but it left me lonelier in all kinds of ways afterwards.

I know what you mean. When you're in the moment it makes sense, but in retrospect you can see the bigger picture; at least, for me.

http://hubpages.com/health/Forgive-Your ... Resentment

A lot depends on where you were raised and what generation of people your dealing with and if your related or in a relationship or not.

My father for instance, you can do all the good in the world, and thats ok, but once you make a mistake he never forgets or forgives it, forget all the good you are or have done, your labeled for life. He and all his siblings are that way, and thats one of the reasons why I moved far far away from them all.

Secondly, one thing i noticed about people, if they judge you for something, time does not fix this if they or you never communicate with each other, they will keep judging you the same until you give them reason not to.

Last edited by AspergianMutantt on 29 Oct 2016, 5:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^^^
Good link, I hope it helps someone, but...

I don't think I can connect with the first statement because the word 'human' is jarring to me. I don't feel human, I don't feel like I'm part of anything. Not to say I'm subhuman, nor that I'm an Übermensch, I'm just 'other'.

Also, what if there's nobody like the person you wronged? I've hurt friends before with little things and I've made it up as best I could; these days I don't have friends so I wouldn't be able to make up for things like that. Besides which one person I let down, or have been told I let down (I'm not sure) was singular, I think irreplaceable. The problem for me, maybe for other autists, is that if you've lost touch with people because you've screwed up, then the gap they left in your social circle is probably still unfilled. My list of contacts is dwindling - not just because of things I've done, because of natural things like moving away - and I just get more and more confused with how to build it back up again. So I can't forgive myself by being better to people, because I don't have many people, and the isolation leaves me to dwell on my mistakes so the wounds always seem fresh and hard to forgive... a vicious circle .

rach, just be good to whomever you can or to a pet, or click here every day to feed people (it's free): http://theanimalrescuesite.greatergood. ... mpaign=ars just don't click the autism one because it's autism speaks.

don't get stuck trying to find someone or something exactly like the one you made the mistake with. there is some good you can do. helping people here at WP, like you do, counts.

That's a good article cathylynn. I like the part about learning from your mistakes to become a better person.

I think its good you are being reflective here. I know many people who have spent the longest time doing bad behavior and never accept it. The fact that you are shows a little something about your character, you want to do good and have self-awareness and consideration for your own actions.

I think its a fact that many people would have done things they regret I have done many. The important thing to remember is that we grow from those experiences and they don't define us to the core as people.

Just remember you can only control your own actions and feelings thoughts and life. when others set out to be the judge of other people, thats on them, ignore them and get on with your life. don't waste your time on them trying to make them happy or be in acceptance of you if you know they would never consider doing the same for you.

Wow----you wrote that article, and 30 others? COOL!!









Edit: To correct my math. LOL

Last edited by Campin_Cat on 29 Oct 2016, 8:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

All of the time. In fact I'm in therapy because I have PTSD from things that happened in my teens it tares me up that badly. I blame myself for a lot of things that I should just get over or that weren't even my fault.

The best thing you can do is forgive not for anyone else but for you as cheesy at sounds. Also don't let anyone shame you for not being able to get over something fast enough.

I feel like people who look back at their mistakes and can admit it are growing. You are growing and becoming a better person from the sounds of it.