Ending a Relationship

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It's my own fault I'm in the situation I'm in - I'm too compassionate and understanding, too willing to inconvenience myself and take drastic steps to help someone else even at a great cost to my own wellbeing. I can trace this back to an abusive mother during my childhood, etc., but in the end, I should know better by now. But nevertheless, I've gotten myself in a rough situation, and I'd be grateful for advice and opinions on how to proceed.

My boyfriend lives with me. He moved in after we'd been dating only two months. I didn't want him to, but he was unable to pay his rent and on the verge of homelessness. He's very dependent, very clingy, very simple-minded. He has a horrific history. Two violent alcoholic parents who beat him senseless all the time, abusive teachers in school, and was constantly bullied and beat up by kids at school. He hates physical violence, but knows nothing about psychological violence. He's emotionally unstable, uneducated, and simply not very intelligent. He can't process anything more than black and white, simple extremes (for example, if I say I don't like something much, that automatically means I hate it and want to eradicate it from existence; if I say something doesn't bother me, that means I love it and want everyone to do it all the time). I'm a teacher and used to identifying the sources of people's behavioral and emotional issues. I know why he is the way he is, and it's not his fault. (This is my problem - it's not my fault either, but I wind up feeling responsible for helping him.)

At the start, he swore he wanted to learn and improve himself. I believe he meant that, but in the end, he hasn't been able. I have serious issues with hypersensitivity and overload. I get meltdowns regularly, even when I carefully regulate my time and activity. I have several demanding jobs and need my time outside of work to relax and recover. Right now I can't do that. He can't leave me alone. I write a message to someone online, and he wants to know who it is, and what I'm writing, and why. We watch a film and I laugh and he doesn't get the joke, and he stops the video and won't let us continue until I successfully explain why I laughed. I'm constantly in a state of dangerous overload. My work is suffering because my spoons are not recharging each day. I cry all the time. I've tried to tell him so many times - I can't constantly explain things to you. You can't constantly ask me questions. If I don't answer, just let it go, it means I'm too overloaded and can't communicate. But he just can't process it. I go nonverbal and can't communicate, and he thinks I'm refusing to talk to him. He sulks, he complains, he yells... I melt down, he accuses me of faking it... It's just endless disaster after disaster, stress after stress, meltdown after meltdown. I'm covered in bruises and scratches from violent meltdowns. I keep getting lumps on my head from slamming it against the wall.

In other words, he needs to GO.

He complains that I don't want to kiss or have sex, when I can't handle any physical contact whatsoever. He thinks this relationship is unfair - to HIM. And still, I know that this isn't really his fault. He can't help it, and he's not trying to hurt me. He just doesn't get it, can't understand, will never understand. He needs to go.

The question is - how? Right now, he's still flat broke. He has a MASSIVE amount of debt that he needs to pay off, and he doesn't earn much money. He has no family to help him, no real friends to support him. He's hard of hearing and has serious communication problems in addition to his low intelligence, and needs to use sign language to communicate most of the time - which severely limits the possibilities for cohabitation. He can't just find a flatmate online. He certainly can't afford to live on his own. Right now, he's not even paying me rent. I have to buy his food and clothes. I'm a little tired of being his mother.

He's not able to do any job other than manual labor. I've helped him find a better job than the one he had before. He started last week, and it seems to be going well. But whenever I mention being unhappy, he freaks out, screams that I'm going to leave him, his life is over, he can't survive without me, and refuses to go to work until I agree to let him stay.

I know that this is emotional blackmail and it's absolutely unacceptable. But I know he can improve his life if he tries. He can get his debts (including the ones to me) paid off and live a decent life. He can find a girl who's more appropriate for him and have a happy relationship, eventually. And I hate the thought that if I just break up with him and throw him out, he will give up on life. He will wind up losing everything.

If someone came to me and described a situation like this, I would tell them to throw him out, give him a few parting words of advice, and forget about him. You can't save someone who's this broken. He's nearly 30 - it's a bit late to repair the damage at this point. You have to take care of yourself.

I know all of this, yet I can't do it. I try to tell him I want to break up, and I go nonverbal. I'm terrified. Due to my own abusive background, I have an extremely strong aversion to hurting anyone. I'm so scared of it that I literally can't speak. It's not as easy as "Okay, I'm done with you, get out." And I know it will trigger another screaming fight, and I have less than no spoons left.

I could write to him, but his language comprehension is very rudimentary. Whenever I write to him, he generally fails to understand, or misunderstands. Then I have to explain in person anyway, cue the nonverbal attack again... It's just a mess.

I know this isn't simple (or it's very simple but I'm not able to do what I need to do). I know I've written a lot and most people will probably skip it without reading. To any who have made it this far: thank you so much for sparing me your time and energy. I really appreciate it. Just being able to unload like this helps a little.

I know what most of the advice will be, but I'm hoping for specifics. Specifically, is there any way I can get rid of him without undoing all the progress he's made? Any way to confront him without being able to speak? Any specific phrasing I can use which a simple-minded person will understand, which might soften the blow a bit?

Thanks so much, everyone.

Look for a service or hotline for vulnerable adults or a disabled adult abuse hotline and have them take him off your hands. If you have to (and won't get into trouble for it), tell them that you're afraid that you'll physically harm him if he doesn't leave.

Sadly, nothing like that exists in this country. It's a former communist country and although things are slowly changing and improving, right now there is really not that much support for disabled people, and abuse is still largely considered a thing you deal with in your own family and no one talks or asks about. Everyone "minds their own business", including the police unless you have absolute proof that someone is in immediate danger. However, I greatly appreciate the response and the attempt at advice - thank you very much.

There is no support available for this guy aside from me (and no support for me aside from myself and my friends). If he can't get his life sorted out on his own, and I don't take care of him, he's pretty much screwed.

Yesterday he came home from work and told me his boss wants to fire him. It's only his second week at this job. He had to miss a few days for important doctor's appointments, which his supervisor said was fine, and now the boss is saying nope, not fine, miss 2 more days and you're out. So he has to cancel all his doctor's appointments and go to work even if he's sick, or he loses his job. And yes, they can do that here, especially to a disabled person. Now I'm really terrified. If I break up with him and he refuses to go to work, he loses his job - and it took him 3 months to find a single job that he could do and which would hire him. And if he loses his job before I break up with him, how could I possibly throw him out? I'd literally be throwing him out on the street, and it's well below freezing out there already.

Yesterday I tried writing him a message saying I'm constantly overloaded because of him, my work is suffering, I'm afraid of being unable to do my job and losing it, all because I don't have time or space to myself anymore and am constantly taking care of him. He came home and said "let's just forget about what you wrote me" (as in, he forgives me for the ugly things I said to him and we don't need to fight about it). I didn't have the energy to speak. He immediately started asking me stupid questions like "if you had kids and you were overloaded and your child asked you a question, what would you do?" I didn't answer, couldn't answer, until finally I exploded, screeched, grabbed a nearby piece of paper and scribbled a note saying IF I AM OVERLOADED DO NOT ASK ME QUESTIONS, something I've told him a hundred times before, and pinned it up to the corkboard that was on the wall next to me. He said fine, okay, but there was no reason to SHOUT at me like that, it's not necessary to get angry, it's not my fault. Then he stared at me in silence for about twenty minutes until I started crying. Now and then he said something like "I don't envy you. You have such a difficult life." (My life was fine before he entered it.) Then he finally got dressed and went outside for a few hours because that's the only way he knows how to leave me alone, to walk around out in the freezing cold. When he came back he went straight to bed without eating dinner (he's dangerously underweight because he does this all the time).

I need to tell him by this weekend that I can't live with him anymore. I'm constantly worried about his wellbeing, and my own is suffering as a result. He doesn't understand me, can't help me, and he makes me worse every day. I need to live alone again in order to try to start getting my spoons back again and get my life back in order. I only hope he can find somewhere to live and manages to keep his job and his life doesn't fall apart. I know I can't take responsibility, but I'm just so sensitive, I don't know how I would get through knowing that I could have helped someone and failed.

wow, that's a horror story (of sorts). But I can relate to it. I've been in a couple of relationships now with women who were unable to leave because they were unable to support themselves (or they chose not to). It sounds like you know what needs to happen, but it is a b***h of a situation with no obvious solution. No solution, that is, that is not painful in some way, and no riddled with more conflict. I know I've avoided these situations before for this very reason, staying in bad "relationships" (really just cohabitating with someone at that point) WAY beyond when I should have made them leave.

Fortunately, I was able to help both of them find another place to live since I have a decent job with decent pay. Part of me didn't like having to help pay to get them out, but another part of me was pleased that I was able to at least help them/someone in an altruistic sense, and of course I was pleased to be out of the destructive living situation. So it's been up to me to make this happen (it's happening again right now, but fortunately it's an amicable break up).

So, I don't know. It sounds like you know you need him to go. It sure sounds like he needs to go. It's just a question of how. But you have to place yourself first in this, and any, scenario. You need to take care of yourself, and living with someone (in my experience, at least) with such conflict can become dangerous for both parties. I know this sounds cruel, but perhaps you have someone move his things out while he's at work? Get the locks changed and communicate to him clearly that he can't live with you anymore. But make sure you've got support, too. These situations can become hazardous, and that's the last thing we want of course.

So I wish you the best. It can all turn out alright!

yikes. i can't tell from anything you've said that shows him putting anything at all into a relationship with you or anyone. from the way you describe it, it has just been a leech from day 1. he saw an opportunity and is guilting you daily to allow it to continue. i don't know much about Prague so i obviously have no help. i'm just responding so that maybe you can get some courage to kick him out, even though it is probably not what you *want* to do for your conscience.

doesn't sound like a very nice solution, but even though you don't describe him as physically abusing you like his parents were to him, he is mentally abusing you, and you're allowing it. that's not okay. you should rely on your real life friends a little bit here for the push you need to get him out of your life.

i've seen a bunch of this in america. especially in some of the very small population areas that i have lived. and it always boils down to someone with some tragic past guilting others into giving them what they want or need. it's manipulation and it's very common. his past is not your problem. it's not YOUR fault that this happened to him. and you have helped him tremendously and he does not appreciate you for it. he only gets mad at you. just kick him out. he will have to learn to do that stuff for himself. you already provided everything to him and he didn't take the help you offered him, he threw it away. that's his fault. i'm sorry you were ever in this situation to begin with.

double yikes.