Can't figure me out

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As an adult with autism and other diagnosis that related to my childhood trauma, I am having trouble getting to know myself. I am also having trouble liking myself.

I find myself to be very irritable in life. People see me as kind and on the shy side. I don't socialize much because my self esteem is so low because I allow my insecurities to keep me in an internal bondage. Somehow, the blow seems less harmful that way.

I can't keep friends. Right now I have one friend. She is old enough to be my mom. I never have friends my age because I don't relate to people my age.

I am socially awkward because of having autism. I miss a lot of the things that people just automatically know. The unspoken rules I think it is called.

I am embarrassing to be around. I think it is because I am so repetitive verbally and physically.

I am feeling very irritable today. I am feeling irritable because I am tired. But I shouldn't be tired. I slept last night so I get irritable because I am tired and don't want to be tired. I don't want to sleep either.

I live on my own for the first time for almost 2 months now. I don't know if I am depressed or not. I don't know if I like having the freedom to do anything I want or if I like having somebody around to talk to.

I don't know because I don't know me. I don't know you to get to know me because I change so much. I am a very indecisive person.

Besides for how other people think about you and how you feel about your own flaws that you are aware of, do you like who you are? Maybe instead of fighting against who we are we need to embrace it and look outside the box to find what we seek. "It is difficult to find happiness within oneself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else."

I think I understand how you feel. Living by yourself seems to magnify everything you feel. I know it may be a big undertaking but what you might try to do is to look outward at what the world has to offer instead of being so focused on looking inward.
It doesn't matter what age your friend is. If you find some joy in the friendship then it's worth keeping. Having one friend helps a person gain some confidence and believe that it's possible to find more.

I felt that way when I was in my 20's, especially after I had a nervous breakdown of sorts. After that I felt even more shattered and what I thought I knew didn't seem true. I have had more time for self reflection and I have over time found truths or core beliefs. I have had 3 people throughout my life I would call friends. One I lost contact with in my early teens and two that I fell out of contact and reconnected with throughout my life. When you find someone that provides an unconditional friendship hold on to those people. Age is irrelevant if she is a true friend.

I bet you can identify with this song. I have built those walls, tall over the years and those walls turned into thick social anxiety. Trust me, the rock does end up feeling the pain of loneliness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKY-smJ6aBQ