Struggling with Lack of Peers

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I don't have any peers online or in real life. By "peers" I mean people who have enough in common with me to provide satisfying interaction, especially mature and intellectually stimulating conversation.

I don't know how or where to get any peers. I tried socializing in person and attending events when I was younger, but it exhausted me and even gave me migraines a few times. Now I prefer to socialize in a way that's respectful of my limitations (central auditory processing deficit) and interests (political and academic, not social and mainstream), so I try to meet people online (text-based communication). No results so far.

I don't fit in on mainstream forums. WP is better in most ways, but I don't really fit in here either. I usually seem to be more mature than other online posters and get frustrated with the low level of discussion. Maybe some of that is just me being more invested online.

I think that most people don't take text-based communication seriously, and that's a problem because it's the easiest form of communication for me. People will just blow off online discussions I'm very interested in because the Internet isn't "real life" to them.

I can talk and listen, but not as much as other people can. I don't have energy to waste on small talk, weeding out the incompatible people one meets in person, or absorbing their reactions to my atypical behavior. It's much easier to have targeted social interaction online.

It could be that peers don't actually exist. Nobody else actually studies the issues the way you do, so there isn't anyone with your comprehensive knowledge of your special interests. Even being gifted socially won't help this particular situation.

Rather than a peer to peer relationship, you might instead try to find people who want to learn from you. A teacher/student relationship, while not the same thing, may meet your needs for intellectually stimulating activities. And, who knows, one of those students might one day be your equal.

I'm not really looking for someone who shares my hobbies (although it would be nice to find someone who shares my political interests).

When I talk to people online, the main thing I want is for them to be open-minded, respectful, and reasonable enough to listen to others and understand what others say. Even if they are not familiar with the topic or my opinion on it, open-mindedness and good reasoning ability will make fruitful conversation possible.



I feel like I end up doing that at times and I want to avoid it. My "student" may benefit, but I come away with nothing but renewed frustration from being reminded of my isolation. I don't mind telling people about things they don't know about, but I like to approach them as equals when I tell them (rather than dumbing things down, explaining very basic pre-requisites, navigating ignorant hostility, etc.), and that often doesn't seem possible.

Have you considered that your frustration is coming across in your writing and could be making you unapproachable?

I would like to say I could help, but alas, I doubt I could help. I know that I know nothing. I wish you well in this endeavor.

Not really. That seems like the sort of person I would rather avoid. Frustration is part of who I am, and people who can't deal with it aren't compatible with me. Anyways, the times I only lurked and read were still frustrating, so I don't think my displays of frustration are much of a problem.

But I'm not sure how people would approach someone online. Do you mean sending me a PM? I don't really want any PMs, except from what's probably an extremely rare sort of person.

I just wanted to post in threads. If there are people who don't want to post in threads because of me...it's difficult for me to care about that because I'd never know about it, and it's unlikely that those people would be any different from the others. I just don't expect much from anyone anymore.

Actually, I can't even remember exactly why I started this thread. I didn't expect any solution.

I don't mean PM's.

I think you shouldn't place expectations on others to be accommodating, so that you can have the specific conversations you would like to have, without also being accommodating yourself to an equal degree of how they are. People will always choose the easier option, regardless of intellect, its just human nature.

The worst thing one can do is convey to others a sense of your superiority to others in all matters.

I have experienced much of what you have written. I believe it to be quite accurate. Have you ever thought that it may be in your best interest to be your own best friend. As much as we may crave to find these "peers", like you said, it can be a very rare thing. I am sure you already know it is better to be alone than it is to force yourself to fit in just so you can feel more alone when with others. You might need to embrace it. Yeah it sucks when you have so much to say and offer to a world that isn't receptive to it, use that to strenghten yourself. You need an outlet for all of this since no one is willing to be one. I personally found writing to be very beneficial. Many great artists have felt the very same way as you. You just need to figure out what to do with it. If you can't find what you are looking for in others then find it in yourself and give it to yourself intensely. Eventually you may find the people you seek, untill then, you have yourself, and thats better than settling.

There was a "golden age" about two decades ago where it was still relatively common to have meaningful discussions on the Internet with other engineers about technical matters.

In the past few months, I've talked with two people face to face. One, a webmaster for a non-profit, said that people will say stuff online that they would never say in public. Another, talking about special interest groups for dogs, says that there is just too much disagreement and arguing online to do anything to further the rights of dog owners.

I don't hold much hope of the Internet going back to the "good old days." One of those engineers who used to post says he left because it was an unproductive time sink. He is now vacationing around the world on his bicycle.

Off Topic: The good old days when all of the internet was as slow and dysfunctional as Wrong Planet .

It was still decent up until about a decade ago, with the popularization of social networking and the internet becoming so mainstream where now everyone has access to it from the phone in their pocket, it has taken a complete turn for the worse, at this point you have the same odds of finding good conversation online that you do offline, once upon a time things were quite different.

I like the point that sometimes people do not have peers. I have personally met a few people in my life, both autistic and neurotypical, who were completely unique and would not have true peers.

I think such people have to be comfortable with that and to seek out interaction with people who are interesting to them. Not so much a superior and student type of thing. More like how you might go visit another culture, be interested in finding out about it and telling them about yours, without expecting things to be the same.

On a minor point- sometimes you DO meet a person who is just like you and you don't want to have anything to do with that person. So a true peer in many ways. You don't have a lot to gain by being around someone who is too much like you. Maybe you're not missing out on too much.

I don't know what you and the other posters mean by peers, but I mean someone who has roughly the same level of emotional and intellectual maturity as I have, so I don't understand what uniqueness has to do with it.

Respect is a surprisingly difficult topic if you don't share a common background.

A good example is the sacred rocks of the Hawaiians and all those ignorant tourists.

Hey starkid, I was just telling my wife today how much I hate small talk. Luckily for me, it's only my wife who understands me.

I don't talk to my parents. I don't talk to my sister. I have zero friends.

It's my birthday today and no one to wish. I still don't care. I have learned to accept that I am different.

Honestly, I don't even like going out trying to find peers (online or offline). I can participate in an in-depth discussion but that's about it.

If I see a person on the street I don't know, I still help or feed. It doesn't bother me if he is a stranger. All humans are equal to my eyes. Friend or not, family or not, I am there for them whenever they need me.