I used to flap my hands. I know I did other things, but I can't remember them clearly. I have always wrung my hands or picked at my skin, hair, or nails.
Now, as an adult, I want to stim, but I don't have something that doesn't hurt my body (in the minor ways listed above).
I tried a rubber band, as a grounding exercise (I tend to disassociate in meetings with large groups). I ended up twisting the rubber bands a lot, mostly unconsciously -- surprised to find myself doing it -- and destroyed every one.
I've tried buying stim toys, but they can't be used in public without attracting attention. I apparently have lost my interest in chewing on things.
Not sure what an adult can do. I used to play with enamel bracelets, but even that totally distracted people in meetings, even when it was silent. I apparently have a lot of anxious energy, but no way of getting it out publicly - which is exactly when I need it.
I also don't find any stims that don't allow me to disassociate that helpful -- by this, I mean becoming zombie-like, with no thoughts, just staring and missing minutes or hours. I love that, and I fall into it quickly when I pick at my skin of hair, but I think it's bad for my mental health. I didn't know there was a word for that until recently, and now it seems like bad news. I've been doing a lot of deep dives into medical research on that, and it really looks like it's at least associated with harmful conditions. I've also been reading how people who escaped cults disassociate easily, and the kind of harm it brings to their executive function (the ex-TM community talks z lot about this in particular, and TM appears to overstimulate the DMN, a different pathway to disassociation than PTSD, making me wonder what the differences are between them and whether autistic shutdowns have any similarity to either -- it's tempting to see that there is, as disassociation is part of the early stages of my shutdowns and I believe they are my mind attempting to protect me from stressful situations). So I want to stop it, as pleasant as it is.
Now I focus on mindfulness techniques instead of stimming...but I'm getting confused about what is best for myself. The mindfulness techniques do help with avoiding shutdowns, but they take a lot of discipline.
I often wonder what I expect to get by posting here. I am not great at social interaction, and anything I reply here is a calculated politeness I force myself to go out of a feeling of obligation amid feelings of anxiety and a touch of terror. If someone writes back, I have to think of a way to show my gratitude, even if what they wrote missed my point (which could equally be my fault in not being clear). But it's actually just shy of physically painful for me to write the response. I get a rush of fear just thinking about it.
If no one responds, I'll continue to assume I'm not really valued in this world, a learned response from my childhood but which is counter-factual to the fairly nice life I have now (and overemphasizes this forum's role in my social life). But I can't help it.
But despite all that, I just want answers. No one can understand but my peers.
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Diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder 19 June 2015.