I Don't Know How To Adult...Literally

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Abridged version: I'm a 32 y/o female who has been living under the guise of independence for the last decade or so, only to have it crumble in an instant. My girlfriend of 12 years just dumped me on Valentine's Day and informed me that I have to move out of our shared apartment by the end of the month. In effect, that means I have to move back across the country to the rural sh!thole town I grew up in, which is my worst nightmare. I was miserable there and wanted to die every day, but my entire support system (i.e. family) lives there.

Why not stay here and just live on my own? Because I have depended on my gf for all of my financial and social support over the years, as she's naturally outgoing and I'm crippled by social anxiety and borderline agoraphobia, unable to even go to the grocery store by myself. I don't have a car but am unable to ride public transit due to severe anxiety and general confusion about the public transit system. Don't have a bank account and am scared to call a friend on the phone to ask for, well, anything. I guess the best way to describe my situation is, I need a "safe person" to go places and do things with me or else I'm useless. Always have been. As a child that person was my mother. As an adult, it was my girlfriend (who was also a mental health/social worker). Now I have no one.

And it's not some minor fear that's "all in my head." I get lost and disoriented if I attempt to do things alone. My bowels get upset and I get the runs. My mouth gets dry and I get dizzy. I forget what I'm trying to do or say and have to go back home. I've almost caused car accidents due to anxiety the few times I tried to drive in this city. Deep breathing and visualization techniques are a joke in the face of such severe panic.

My plan was to apply for disability with my gf's help. I even had a psychiatrist's appointment scheduled for March 1st. But that's out the window now. I've already been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and OCD but know for a fact that Asperger's is an issue, as well as a few other things (chronic pain conditions & sleep issues). Have any of you filed an SSI/SSDI disability suit and won? That's literally all I'm clinging to for hope right now. If I move back "home," SSI will be the only means of financial independence I have from my family, because a job is out of the question...especially in that part of the country and in this mental state.

Thanks for listening.

Wow, that sounds tough!

Well, I don't consider myself an expert in comforting people (does anyone on the spectrum do?) and I won't lie and say that I know how you feel, but I can truly say I'm sorry to know that you are going through all that.

I guess there are times in life when we have to face our fears. You may have to choose the one you are most likely to tolerate: calling someone (a friend or relative) to help you out, or face the world and travel by yourself...

It's a hard decision, and you won't enjoy taking it. It can be nightmare (I usually get stressed and cry when I travel alone). But you have to remember that you should move forward and not back. If you get anxious, stop what you are doing until you regain control, and then try again. You are not useless: you are just afraid. And maybe you'll always be afraid, as many of us are. That would not be a problem, as long as your fears don't prevent you from having the kind of life you would need in order to be happy.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks so much for your kind reply! Means a lot. I do feel comforted

I spent today packing up my belongings. Guess I really am moving back to that hellish town to live with my parents until I get my own place. My gf wants to remain friends and keep the cats, so at least there's a chance I can *maybe* stay in contact and *possibly* come visit at some point in the distant future.

For now, I'm just trying to stay busy. I'll be flying home alone, which I've done many times (it's the only time I travel alone, and I have to dose up on Xanax to do it lol). Just a 2-hour flight but it feels like an eternity. Oddly, I'm not afraid of the plane crashing, but of someone getting air-sick and throwing up.

Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement.

You're welcome! And I'm glad to know you're feeling a little better now. Growing up is hard, I know, but I think eventually everything will be fine. I hope you find your own place soon. Good luck!

Your ex-girlfriend has given you too little time to move out. Even someone who totally had her life together couldn't find a new place to live in a couple of weeks. If you are still on good terms with her and think it would benefit you, ask her for more time.