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Feeling_Unvalidated
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 26 May 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 35
Location: MO

11 Jun 2017, 4:29 pm

i try to work as hard as i can at my job, but i am struggling to hit the numbers they want. i try to remember all my home duties and things i need to do to make disabled roomies life as easy as i can, but i fail dismally. Struggling right now to even fight the depression to shower, get dressed, and go to the store for an item for dinner. Too much free time right now, been spending time looking up memes about conspiracies and God and getting down on myself for sexual sin that i worry constantly is sending me to hell. Can't kill myself or that hell thing will probably be cemented, tho i can give others the benefit of the doubt and see their pain and know that God is merciful but can't give myself any slack. So i wallow. i cringe and hide and can't even cry even though i want to. It's like my heart hurts and i just want to sleep and make it all go away.



Claradoon
Supporting Member
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Joined: 23 Aug 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,964
Location: Canada

11 Jun 2017, 8:09 pm

Feeling_Unvalidated wrote:
i try to work as hard as i can at my job, but i am struggling to hit the numbers they want. i try to remember all my home duties and things i need to do to make disabled roomies life as easy as i can, but i fail dismally. Struggling right now to even fight the depression to shower, get dressed, and go to the store for an item for dinner. Too much free time right now, been spending time looking up memes about conspiracies and God and getting down on myself for sexual sin that i worry constantly is sending me to hell. Can't kill myself or that hell thing will probably be cemented, tho i can give others the benefit of the doubt and see their pain and know that God is merciful but can't give myself any slack. So i wallow. i cringe and hide and can't even cry even though i want to. It's like my heart hurts and i just want to sleep and make it all go away.

I am very sorry to read what you're going through.

I've done most of those things myself, at one time or another, and from my experience - and I apologize because your life probably isn't like mine - but my answer was and still is: Stop Trying.

Forgive me but I'm going to have opinions here:

Job: They set the numbers too high on purpose for motivation; ease off.
Roomie: You can only do so much; set a limit for yourself.
Home duties: What kind of home? Group? Dorm? Apartment?
God is merciful but you are not - you nailed it! Have mercy on yourself!
Sexual sin: If you're not breaking laws, then you're clear. Which religion do you observe?
"can't give myself any slack" - if God can, then you must.

Doing any of this isn't likely because it's contrary to the destruction that you are living. Can you get professional guidance?

Please answer and let us know how you go. I made suggestions but not new rules! You can relax here. Anything you do or feel is fine; talk to us. We care.



Feeling_Unvalidated
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 26 May 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 35
Location: MO

12 Jun 2017, 1:05 am

Thanks Claradoon, i appreciate it. i know i stress myself out too much when it comes to the job, but i know i am an expendable peon who could be considered not worth it. So i worry.

Roomie has been disabled since 2012, failed back syndrome after a discectomy and a fusion. Her kneecaps have a congenital issue where they face out, and the Drs have said they need surgery but are trying to put it off as long as possible. Some stupid texter ran into her and pushed her into a truck at a red light in 2015, she was stopped and the cops said the lady had to have been going about 50 in a 45 with no breaking. It screwed up her back even more. She, i believe, is somewhere on the spectrum as well, though not as severe as myself, and i am fairly high functioning. It's hard for her to get around, and her cervical issues plus carpal tunnel mean her wrists just give out on her so she can't hold and pour from the tea jug which means i get to be gopher all day with food and drink and other items. She does what she can, but the laundry, dusting, vacuuming, dishes, cleaning the cat litter, scrubbing, everything is up to me, though it is just a 1200 sq ft apt.

i am Christian, and i am into bdsm and have a Sir i see once a week. He is autistic as well, and it works, but because of it we only do the once a week thing so as to allow His own time still and not disrupt too much. In the school year i am a college student, at least for another year and a half (i am 35 and a returning student) so then i am too busy to fret and think about things so much. i would have called Sir today, but that's not always an option cuz He is a 3rd shifter and is sleeping a lot of the time when it's a time like earlier when it was so overwhelming.

Been having pain myself lately, gall bladder has been flaring for a few weeks, and past few days have had some sort of stomach bug that gives on and off queasiness, cramps, and soft stools not quite frequent enough to classify as diarrhea. Roomie slept a lot today, not much of anything on the boob tube, and i was alone with my thoughts with a looming trip to the store that i didn't want to make so the procrastination was stressing me.

Then i started my meme searching - i put random things into Google sometimes like "crayon meme" or "cloud meme" just to see what's out there. Today was "cloud seeding", "freemasons" and "hopeless sinner". And i start thinking how i can't be forgiven for fornication because i don't repent - i can't fathom changing my ways, Sir is wonderful and He helps me and listens to me. So then there's the guilt and shame. It was just a bad time. Once roomie got up it was a bit easier.