02 Apr 2017, 5:49 pm
02 Apr 2017, 10:45 pm
02 Apr 2017, 11:03 pm
Yes, the irony that is obsessively researching autism is not lost on me. 
04 Apr 2017, 9:14 pm
lately, i have been extremely obsessed with when i went through Gender Therapy in 2004. precious lil "people" gave me plenty of social rejection and a wide variety of it. with the exception of LGBT people, only several agreed to call me "he" instead of "she." some of the most sophisticated, articulate, academically smart, and (seemingly) nice precious lil "people" had the nerve to tell me it was "lying" for me to ask them to call me "he" instead of "she".
___________________________________________________________________________
when i think about emotionally disturbing events from the past, stabbing sensation in brain and aching sensation in heart. makes me wanna gorge.
sometimes i gorge. but drink 5 liter water per day. makes it harder to gorge. but have to anal retentively drink water. physically, it does not feel so comfortable. although no fluid intoxication yet. and getting to the toilet so often is inconvenient.
but it is legal, free, and whatever.
it might be the best method to prevent gorging. there's something wrong with everything. 
_________________________________________________________________
other thing is, sometimes i get obsessed over how much i hate precious little "most people". they act like they are so important and awesome.
they give condescending little compliments.
they are so judgmental. even statements that are just observations, they only say out loud, as if they expect me to change. b/c they do not like it.
esp precious little "friends".
sometimes i feel like i can't trust anyone.
_________________________________
if you interact with someone in some situations, you only know what happened in those situations. (and sometimes you do not even know that). you do not know anything about any other situations.
a book claimed, that a man got married to 2 women at the same time. in the united states. neither one knew about it. for several years. til the dry cleaning got mixed up. and one of the women was a clinical psychologist.
so, if a clinical psychologist, with much more skill than me, for much more time than me, with much more intensity of interaction than me, could get tricked, then 
i get paranoid about how someone might trick me.
or just peer pressure.
when they are interacting with me, i get scared if i refuse their peer pressure, they will not wanna be my precious lil "friend." and then later on they do not wanna be my precious lil "friend" anyways.
but it turns out maybe
in some ways
i am better off alone than with those precious lil "friends"
b/c they were never real friends in the first place.
_____________________________________________________________
that is an obsession
almost everyone i have ever interacted with expects me to accept him/her as is. and unconditionally.
while they go micromanaging me.
seriously.
they have big egos.
