I am dealing with uncertainty in my life right now. As an aspie I have a difficult time understanding things and understanding siuations and emotions. In my life right now I'm living at home while going to college. I will likely be moving out this year at some point in the fall or that following winter. My struggle now is just dealing with my family. I turn 20 next Wednesday and it's going to be a big moment for me.
When I was 10 I was diagnosed with Aspergers. My family had a difficult time with accepting it and figuring out how to take care of me. This resulted in many years of negativity. My father accepted me right when I was diagnosed, but my mom didn't. In middle school I struggled and she pushed me into doing things that just were not realistic for who I was. I was pretty much verbally abused from the ages of 10-18. My dad eventually called my school and told them to stop sending homework with me because my mom would yell at me every night.
When I got into high school it got even worse. I went to a psych ward twice and eventually a residential center where I lived for 6 months working on depression, anxiety, and figuring out my life. After I got out my mom stopped taking her medications and thought she didn't need to take them anymore. She became even more abusive and started getting physical with me. She would convince my therapists that I was always the problem and for years everything in our house would be my fault. Ruined holidays and birthdays mainly because my mom started arguments.
Eventually once I got into college now things have been good but not better. I have big ambissions for my future. I don't want to live in my town and in my state for the rest of my life. Likely for undergraduate school it's realistic for me to stay in state. Latter for graduate or law school, which I've been considering, I will go out of state. I want to get into possibly politics or academic research and make change in the world. Advocate for people who can't help themselves. The abused, the sick, and the homeless.
I want to be their advocate and help them.
This will require me to start being independent and make me move on in life. I feel as does my sister that my mom is having a difficult time accepting that I'm an adult now and get to make choices on my own. She's losing control over me. Every success I have she takes credit for. For pushing me to be my best. When I haven't done homework with her since middle school. I've learned to do assignments and school all on my own. I had to advocate for myself which has been a great experience. I recently was asked to join a sorority at my college due to good grades and working with professors on assignments such as honors projects. I've made the deans list two times now. All of this I never thought I would be able to accomplish.
Now my mom is having influence over me on my career decisions. She wants me to do something with religion and theology. I don't reject god but I'm a thinker and I question everything even the after life. I don't pray and I'm not one who enjoys going to church. I've found that you don't need to be a every weekend church goer to be the most successful and happiest person in the world. I'm Catholic and tend to really disagree with the majority of what the church believes even though the history of the church during the renaissance interests me. So, she wants me to be a priest or a brother or and director of religious education. I'm even being asked to be someone's sponser for confirmations which confuses me. You seek out someone who's been a great spiritual influence on you. I'm not in this kids life all the time and see him maybe 12 times every year. Overall, I don't reject religion and theology but I'm just not interested in organized religion and prefer to not be associated with it.
I'm more of an omnist. My mothers influence on my decisions is worrying me. In my state I want to go to a public university where there's more options of what you can study and pay tuition much cheaper. However, she's really pushing me to go to a catholic college in two towns because they are small, but are about 27,000.00-41,000.00 in tuition not counting room and board. The public university is about 8,245.00. What seems more logical. Aspires are logical thinkers. Small colleges are probably really good, but I really don't want to go into debt when I get more scholarship options and lesser tuition rates in the public colleges than private. More academic opportunities and more clubs at a bigger public school. I'm in community college and will be transferring in the next year or two.
I recently deleted my Facebook account due to drama that my aunt and mom where causing online. Right before Christmas to. I got tired of them hovering over me and stalking me. I'm going to be 20 seriously. I'm also on the intellectual disability waiver and recently got accepted to receive services. My parents are deciding that all for me. When the state asks for what I think I should get, my opinion is over ruled. Everytime. I'm worried about my mom taking over me mentally and brainwashing me into thinking I should do what she wants me to do based on what she thinks. It may sound ridiculous but I'm serious. I'm not sure what my mom is diagnosed with but she might have BPD.
I'm just worried that I won't be able to make decisions in my future life. I will live in my state, work here, not benefit those in need and who need advocates, change the world, and help people who truely are suffering. I'm worried that I'm just not going in the direction I want to and it's being defined by my parents and not by me. My rebab counselor said that everything is my choice. I'm her client and what I do the state will support and I will do well to succeed. With that I just think I'm really depressed and have bipolar. My therapist thinks I do. I'm in a moment or situation that I just can't seem to get out of.
The goals I have now and not going in the right direction and I'm going in the right direction. I get my parents help pay for college when I'm basically paying for it with my SSI. I don't expect them to help me and it's there choice but overall it's my life and I know what I want to do.
How do I manage to take on all of this.
Thank you.
16 Feb 2017, 12:28 am
