Telling a family member to back off a little bit

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I recently moved out of my Aunt's house in December and I now live on my own in my own place. However, my aunt calls me practically every day and asks if I need anything and that she would be happy to take me there. She also comes over and agrees to drop off something at my condo and then starts to talk about how things need to be organized and also buys things when I don't need the,. I usually tell her that I am getting groceries since I live near a bus line. She also calls me three times a week offering to bring stuff over and I try to tell her that I am busy but she always finds a way to come over and then do the nagging which sets me into a point of over loading.

How should I tell her that I am fine and sometimes I feel like she has been bothering me too much.

Your Aunt is being a bit controlling but she might not realise what she is doing.

Initially you need to be assertive and say I appreciate your offer of help, but I like to do (task, organizing it) myself. Just repeatedly say something like that.

Maybe say oh but you can help me with one task in particular, like shopping, or something else.

Have you got an answering machine so you can screen your calls and then call people back, after you have thought up what you need to say?

I mean, she is coming in here and telling me that she thinks I need have more shelving for my stuff and then I get mad to the point of wanting to yell at her. Her reaction is, "What is your problem? What have you been eating?" She also seems to be buying my produce and makes comments like, "Call me if you want me to take you somewhere," and yet knows that the bus is in walking distance on 6 blocks. She also makes comments that she doesn't want me to carry things 1/2 a mile and then she bought me a cooler to carry the groceries in. I just feel so overwhelmed and I have had a few tantrum meltdowns and shouted pretty loud and I am sure the neighbors have heard me but I didn't do those in front of her.

I sent her an e-mail and mentioned that I felt like she was trying to come over here and run me condo and that I set up boundaries. One of them was for her to call me night before we meet once a week and to call me that once and only time. I also said that we can discuss matters such as bills and whatever else then. Moreover, there was a discussion that I really didn't want anymore shelving at this time and I was trying to keep the condo clutter free at the moment.

Do you think I had the right to tell her how I feel?

Yes. Yes. And, yes.

emc2 makes a very good point.

You mentioned you've had a few meltdowns. Are they because of her, or other stuff?

Yes, they are because of her because she keeps bothering me and then comes over here an over loads.

I hear you. This is a bit extreme, but it does sound like her behaviour is extreme anyhow.

First of all, may I ask how much support and contact you want/need from and with her?
If you feel that you need lots, then the following will not apply.

If you feel that you're actually pretty independent, and think you can carry through what you say, then this is one tactic:

Tell her when she may visit or call,
and tell her that any calls at any other time, you will not speak to her,
that if she visits at any other time, you will not answer the door,
that if she leaves anything outside the door, you will just leave it there or take it to the sidewalk for other people to pick up.

If she calls outside those times, just pick up the phone, don't say a word, and leave the handset on a table. Go off and watch tv or play a game.

If she visits, don't answer the door.

If she leaves stuff outside your place, take it all, even your favouritest dishes, her most precious porcelain, her grandmother's only portrait, (you get the general idea) and put it on the sidewalk.

Stand firm, don't be swayed just because it's something nice. Remember, the woman probably knows you really, really well, and knows EXACTLY which buttons to push.


Take the power back. She needs you, but doesn't see it that way, sees you as totally helpless, and thinks that you're the one who needs her. Show her that you aren't a helpless being, to be told what you want and need, and that you actually mean no when you say no, and that there are consequences.

PS you've got to be really sure that you can do what you told her will happen,
otherwise you are just reinforcing the fact that she can actually do anything, regardless of what you say, and she will ignore what you say even more than before.

She got my e-mail today and accused me of having a one sided relationship and that she didn't set up boundaries and I do and that it doesn't work. What should I tell her now?

It's up to you. The first thing is knowing where you stand.

How much do you need/want her in your life?

Just amused me a tad as I'm always being told that I as an aspie, I have no idea of boundaries. You have a neurotypical telling you that you set up boundaries!


As I typed the above, I suddenly realised - as she's related, is it possible that your aunt has a tinge of ASD too?

Sounds like your aunt is worried about you & is trying to be helpful.

You may have a poor perception of your own living situation. Have you lived on your own before? Can you take care of yourself? I mean, if your aunt comes over and all she sees is an empty fridge (or just junk food) & a cluttered house of squalor, well, she may have a point.

Again, she's probably means well but is worried about you.

The whole point of having your own place is so that you can go mad with covering everything, including yourself, in Laura Ashley prints. Or painting everything black with red spots. Walking about naked, and initiating your computer desk by covering it with empty cans and unwashed plates. (Stage 1)

Then once you've got that out of your system, and think that it would be nice to have another human being visit, to clean yourself and your habitat, make the decor not burn out the eyes of visitors, and get some food in to serve to them. (Stage 2)

If you've got someone incessantly on your case during Stage 1, you're not going to get to Stage 2.
They can bully you to act like Stage 2, but you'll want to do Stage 1, and just do Stage 2 to please them, not yourself, as you won't appreciate why Stage 2 has its merits (other than shutting up the yapping in your ear).

Good parents and carers will let children go out in the rain to discover that the stuff is wet,
and be ready to point out where the towels and dry clothes are as the child re-enters the house with the expected level of dampness.

Overcontrolling parents will forbid children from going out in the summer rain,
and then when the child breaks free to get pneumonia from running around in a winter shower,
will spend the rest of the child's life going "I told you so!"

No,
actually I am a neat freak to an extent and I don't keep my fridge empty and I do take care of myself with meal planning and trying to eat right. However, I have been eating more junk food due to being the Holidays and that can set off the stress and the over load. I did live on my own before and had trouble managing my money. I wrote several NSFs when I was a lot younger and got into trouble doing that. I also didn't have the money to go out and buy food because of those situations. Back then, I was only 21 years old and I didn't know any of the skills that I do now.

OK, it sounds like it is time to have another nice talk with your aunt. Maybe she'll get it, maybe she won't. Remember, saying something with a smile can go a long way. Good luck.

But this is the problem -- she doesn't have boundaries. Every relationship needs boundaries.

I don't know if you can somehow get across that "I love you, Auntie, our relationship is too important to me to be so irritated all the time ... If you call and come over constantly, some of those times I'm not going to be receptive and I'm going to get irritated and push you away ... and I don't want to push you away. I want to enjoy your company every time I see or talk to you, and for that I need you to respect that it's not always a good time."

If not, you will just have to set boundaries and stick to them, and she will resist for a while, but eventually she'll respect you for them.