Coming to terms

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So I'm still feeling out Aspergers and autism. I'd like to give a little back story since I'm new here. My knowledge is limited. I do have a nephew around 10 yrs old who is a non-verbal autistic male. He goes to a specialty school designed for children like him. So I did learn a little about his autism and how he handles it and what his traits were. It didn't seem all that odd to me to be honest. Long story short my knowledge was limited to his traits and what an extreme version of autism is.

I had a friend in my mid 20's who had Aspergers. We hit it off and were very much alike. That's really when I considered the possibility that I could be on the spectrum myself. Being told my whole life that I was just shy that's just what I thought, eh maybe I'm just shy and that's all. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16-17, again at 21-22. I thought maybe that has a play in it too. Feeling disconnected or like an outsider and even a loner all go into depression. I also never liked crowds or interacting with people. It always made me nervous and I would have panic attacks, then again I'm "shy" so that's normal right? When I was 25 my mother passed away and I started having panic attacks much more frequently, upwards of 40-50 a day. I was more distant than usual and extraordinarily depressed. I thought it was time to go back to a psychologist. I did just that. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety disorder & PTSD. Well, that explained it. My symptoms fit in a nice little package... somewhat but I was also "shy."

So fast forward to Nov 2018. I've got a girlfriend for 5 years been working a job for 10. I have my anxiety down somewhat, depression is manageable... things are looking OK for me. I hurt my back at work. Herniated disc 3 bulging discs and I can't walk. I was stuck in bed for months. Terrified to answer the phone and go to the Dr. file all the paperwork I needed too. It was so overwhelming. I found myself watching every TV show I could find and eventually working my way to youtube. I remember taking those stupid personality tests over the years. I thought it was interesting to learn about cognitive functions. Discovered I was an INFJ. I started watching videos from other INFJs and other types as well. Watching the videos and getting into the comments I no longer felt weird. Every quirk or oddity, the way I viewed the world... everything. It all made sense I wasn't as alone and weird as I thought. I thought it was also kind of funny many INFJs had the same experience of people wondering if they were autistic.

Now a few weeks ago I happened to come across an Asperger's channel. All the same traits were there but much more specific. Things I did as a child and have substituted as an adult like "stimming" for one. I had no idea what stimming was prior to this. Always feeling like an alien, unable to actually be my true self, train of thought, needing to process certain things differently than others, having no friends, feeling unable to initiate conversation, special interests.. this list goes on. It just fit. It was like watching myself, listening to myself. I absolutely understood ceratin things before they were explained. One of the suggestions was to reach out to other adults on the spectrum and see how it feels. So here I am.

Sorry if that's long. I am curious if others have had a similar scenario play out for them and how long it took them to really accept that this is a reality. It makes so much sense to me and part of me knows this is the case but a small part of me keeps telling myself no I'm just "shy" and grasping at straws. I also feel like if the latter is the case then I'm an imposter taking away from the people who are. Is this a normal experience?

Good-day Basil,

Welcome to Wrong Planet. We're having a real shortage of good discussion on autism here, oddly enough. Welcome aboard and we will all be glad to hear from you.

The things you talk about are extremely relatable. Autism/Aspergers in many cases looks like a personality type. I think it is true that you may very well be high-functioning autistic/Aspergers' because of the things you talk about. Yes, Autistics can be shy too. We have all kinds of different personalities. Some of us have no empathy. Some of us are hyper-empathetic.

I'd say you may very well be one of us as well but that is for the doctor to tell you, if you think you need a diagnosis. If not, learn about ASD like you're doing, and if it helps you, treat yourself accordingly. You have Social Anxiety disorder and PTSD you say? They may be worsened by autism. Well, if you do what you need to do to get along, it may end up helping those as well.

Delighted to have you on the forum. Thanks for asking; any more you know here? How long has this been going on? Where are you looking to learn about it?

Thanks for the reply. I just joined so I don't really know the crowd and don't know what to expect. A forum setting is right up my alley. Not much of an "in-person" type of guy as I assume people here would totally understand. It lets me put the mask down so to speak. It gets exhausting sometimes to always feel like I have to be a version of myself.

Yeah reading some of the comments here I can see lots of different personality types. I am shy and very quiet at first and it takes me a long time to warm up to people. I think it's myself taking a minute to decide what's an appropriate way to behave around new people. I think getting older I've grown more into myself. My girlfriend really helped me there. She's truly the only person I really revealed myself to. I've never felt judged by her. We have been talking about the real possibility that I may have Aspergers. I've shown her some of the videos I've seen and she agrees. It helps a great deal that I've always been me with her. I can only imagine how hard it would be to not have anyone believe you. I always have a constant fear like I'm going to be "found out." Like I've been lying to everyone my whole life about who I am.

Yes, I was diagnosed with SAD & PTSD in late 2009. I think autism has had a major role in how I've handled it. I've had to sort of figure out how to cope with it on my own. I'm not a fan of certain medications. I had gotten a lot of side effects from an anti-depressant I was prescribed when I was 16. Worse was involuntary tremors and teeth chattering like I was cold. It wasn't the side effect that bothered me as much as trying to sit in a quiet classroom chattering away and twitching while the other kids stared at me with horror and laughter. I'm sure anyone would feel the same with that experience. I never want to be the center of attention, I just want to blend into the background.

I believe I've been this way my whole life. I've just gotten better at hiding certain aspects. I grew up in the late 80's early 90's when every kid was diagnosed with ADHD when they didn't know what was going on. Luckily being so shy and quiet and have a brother who was bouncing off the walls avoided me that fate. I'd say somewhere around 19-20 I started hearing about autism but it was always extreme cases. It wasn't until 24 or so when I met my friend with Aspergers did my perception of what autism was change. We lost touch with each other and it was always in the back of my mind since then.

I have these phases where I am all in on something. I used to take apart electronics as a kid. I drew for a long time. I built computers for awhile. I learned HTML and basic coding for a bit. I took a dive into learning about religions. I'm an atheist but religions fascinate me. I went headfirst into cognitive functions and personality types. Now I'm looking into autism as well as other psychological conditions. I feel like I'm on a journey to find myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm having a midlife crisis. I am 36 after all.

I have watched a few psychology channels. which leads to tons of different websites about various conditions. Although I feel like I get more information from the people with the condition I'm curious about. That's always been the best way for me to learn. I'm a very visual learner and love to be hands-on. I've always had problems reading. Textbooks and very clinical things I get (and Shakespeare for some odd reason) but fantasy/fiction even most biographies are very hard for me to follow. Websites, videos, and forums work great for me. I'm open to any suggestions.

My apologies I tend to have long responses that I read and re-read multiple times like it's the last thing I'll ever write and it needs to be just right. I'm trying to just let it flow out naturally here. Basically letting my guard down a bit and showing me.

Welcome to wrong planet. A lot of the diagnoses you received are common comorbid or co-occurring diagnoses with autism. It is common to get those diagnoses and autism be missed especially back then. All involved only understand part of what is going on. Also it is common for Autism to run-in families but each individual had different "severity" which can cause the "mild" autistic to be missed. Wondering if one is not autistic "just shy", or "just weird' is not uncommon either.

I was called "painfully shy" and a bunch of worse things back in the day. Crowds can bother me. I am bad at multitasking especially conversations where there are multiple people involved.

I suspect my father might be as well. We are very much alike even down to the Depression, SAD & PTSD (Although he is a combat veteran). Being shy was always the excuse my family would give when I wasn't interacting with other kids, hiding or simply just not talking when you'd expect me to say something. My dad was exactly the same way growing up. It shaped my understanding of the term "shy."

I'm not terrible at multi-tasking unless it involves people. I always chalked it up to the unpredictability of people. I like to have an expectation of how something should be or would play out. It's really a hard thing to explain. Possibly just the fear of the unexpected.

How are you on the phone? I can't focus on it if there's other noises (TV, radio, other people, traffic etc.). I have to write a script of sorts for calls. I'm the only person I know who needs to do this. That reminds me of going to new places. I used to literally draw maps and keep them in my pocket. Now it's not necessary because of cellphones & GPS.