How do you handle shut downs and withdrawals

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I'm curious how you handle yourself when you can tell that you're about to have a meltdown or something. Last night I lost control and retreated from my wife. I had somehow perceived something that made me withdraw entirely. I could identify it but I couldn't control myself at all. It happens infrequently, but it's very scary for me.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I don't feel that I get enough warning to take control. Just a case of apologising later, if I've snapped or have appeared to not care about the situation whilst I'm in it. Luckily, my husband is very understanding. Quite useless at realising what's happening at the time, until he's pushed me past breaking point, but he then quickly works it out and he knows what's going on and that if he gives me time, I'll come around.

This week, for the first time, my husband was quite proactive in his approach. There was a situation that could have sent me into meltdown, but I was able to hold it off because my husband recognised the moment and went silent. It's the first time he's realised and just left me alone, rather than trying to fix it and ending up making it worse. I recovered, and when I was ready to speak again he said "You seemed stressed. Are you better now? Is that because I shut up and gave you space?". So he knew what he was doing, and that was great, because he identified the problem at the same time as I did.

I think we get so little warning. And unless both people get the warning at the same time, that split-second chance to rein it back in will disappear. So it's a hard fix, but hopefully with continued effort it'll work.

^ Yah, I follow the "leave me alone" strategy too. I don't do meltdown but I do shutdown - and when that is happening I just have to be left alone, with no one trying to "help" me or encroach on me in any way, and especially, not touching me. I can sometimes perceive that is happening and when I do, I have to get somewhere safe away from others, where I won't be found, preferably somewhere cool, dark and quiet, until I'm functional (as much as I ever am) again.
I've also been raised to be very embarrassed and ashamed of shutdowns, so if anyone witnesses it, that makes me uncomfortable. I have to get out of sight somewhere where I can be as autistic as I need to be without having to manage other people's response or feel exposed and ashamed later.

Every else's response to this situation is to keep on asking me what is wrong or demand I tell them what is wrong or when it is a conversation about a serious topic or a situation where I need to multitask which is the type of situations that tends to bring on shutdowns insist on my continued input.

In my almost 60 years on this earth people giving me space in these situations has been fairly rare. Nobody really understands, I did not understand why I got "tongue tied" until I got diagnosed a few years back.

When i feel a shutdown coming, i physically withdraw.
At home, i got my own room, set up as a "safe space" where i can go and not be bothered.
My friends know about this, and they know that i sometimes need to go there, so there is no problem; they are free to raid the fridge when i'm "on cooldown", and i will be back as soon as i can; no harm done.

When i'm somewhere else (work, parties, someone elses' home), i usually go to the toilet; a cubicle is a nice contained environment where i can also recharge a bit.

I have a way of feeling shutdown happening in my body, which is like a wave.
The wave is a physical pressure that starts lower in my thighs, and moves upward.
When it reaches my throat, is when I can't talk or interact, and I will withdraw totally.
At that point there is nothing in my mind, it is utterly blank.

I aim to recognise the pressure wave as it reaches my armpits (in the chest/breathing area)
and intercept it there. At that stage I can still talk and have some control over my thoughts.
This is the easiest area to recognise the feeling, and it is also the area where if it goes further, it is harder to reverse.
When I intercept the wave, I must stop talking and stop moving, as I tend to be pacing or agitated at that stage.
I also notice that I have lost contact with other people in the environment.
I find that taking some deep breaths helps, and if I am with a person I trust, I get them to hug me around the ribs, or I push on them sideways (through the shoulder and upper arm). If I am by myself, I push against a wall, and this helps to stop it.
If the wave has progressed further than my chest, I don't want to be touched and this is much harder/takes longer to reverse.

I also picture an ocean wave in my head and focus on passing over the top and down the other side. This helps the sensation pass without losing my thoughts/going blank, as I have deliberately put something in my head.

My ideal situation is if I can just get away and get back home to my own space. In all my years I still have never been able to act on the warnings signs quickly enough to do anything but just try to get away from people once it's all happening. Nobody has ever understood. I'm best getting myself to an "alone" situation, and from there I can try to "come down" in my own environment and in my own peace and quiet. I'm best alone in the deepest sense of the word in general, actually.

I think that the single biggest plus from my diagnosis is that in consequence at least a proportion of people, and especially family members will now accept me saying "I'm overloaded" or "I can't handle this" and need to go somewhere quiet as a simple truth, rather than an excuse.
I suppose I'm lucky, I'm blessed with a family who wish now that they'd understood sooner.

Over the years I've learnt a strategy that works for me, because - for example - I really have to go to work despite my state of mind, I still have a life to manage and I don't want to be dependent on anyone.

I sit still and focus on something in my environment and kind of zone-in on it and almost become it in a way, with no thoughts at all (recently it was an origami piece when boyfriend was shouting at me in the early morning, waving his hands, I was trying to eat and really get ready for work). Then - when I can move, I still hold that thing in my mind, but also do things automatically (I may forget something, but still), zero 'verbal' thoughts. If someone demands some verbal input from me I can usually only manage "No" or "I don't know".

I look at the clock or something to focus my attention, then leave home. After all that I'm not hypersensitive and shaky, just non-verbal and super still inside my mind, almost like a machine. So it's like freezing your mind to the extreme, while still performing actions with your body - walking, sitting down and such. After some time I'm able to talk but still a bit numb inside, it really is like defrosting in a way.

It takes so much strength to do it that I kind of barely function at work, but I manage to do what I need to do, come back home and try to recharge properly or cry. This is my only way of handling these for now, doesn't seem like a healthy way at all, but I have no choice.

I can usually tell I'm getting too close to my limit. A shutdown happens if I have several stressfull days in a row with too many demands from people, and my usual recharge methods don't work. My hearing becomes extremely sensitive at first; I can't stand the sound of someone uploading/deloading the dishwasher, people talking freaks me out. If I can have time alone and work on trying to de-stress myself, a shutdown can still be prevented. When my sense of touch turns painful, and I physically recoil from other people, it's too late to stop. Then I just shut down. It's like being locked inside my own body. I can feel and see and understand, but trying to speak or do anything is very difficult. I know what I should do, but I can't make myself to do it. If I'm hungry, I can't eat. I just can't start eating. I just sit in bed, frozen. Sometimes my husband can talk me out of it. He practically walks me into kitchen, and puts food in front of me, keeping the children away. But if he doesn't have time to help, I just ride it out, laying in a dark room eyes closed and with ear plugs on, wrap myself in a blanket as tightly as I can. One day, I want a bathtube so I can just float in the dark.

I try to spend an hour or so alone every day because I need it. I wake up before others so I can drink my tea in peace.
The current fashion of listening music everywhere has been a blessing for me. It helps to shut off many unpleasant sounds which hurt my ears. It also offers me a chance to focus at work when I get tired of dealing with people. After work day, I'm often sensitive to noise and need to regulate it. Honestly, I spend most of the time at home sitting by a computer and listening music because music blocks the noise kids make. (My oldest is the worst. He has developed a new interest, doing videos on Instagram, and it seems to come with all kinds of shouts, curses and constant monologue which drives me batty.) Kids are fine with it, because they are all on the spectrum, and sensory issues are ordinary in our household. They approach when they have something they want to share, and I take the headphones off and address the issue/play with them/whatever they want.
Regular exercise is also a must, because it's only thing which truly empties my mind and enables me to stop thinking for a moment. Otherwise the buildup of everything might become too much to handle.

Yesterday my wife suddenly blurted "I'm confused" in relation to a book she is reading, and I immediately felt an overload coming on because neither do I understand some of the things in that book and that means I cannot possibly be helpful to her in relation to it. For about ten minutes or so I just sat quietly with my eyes closed while doing my best to remain calm and be respectful of her by at least listening, but then I could handle no more and believed I had to interrupt and tell her so in order to avoid a complete shutdown. It bothered me greatly to seemingly "reject" her and the conversation she was seeking while trying to sort some things out and understand, but I knew a shutdown was imminent and that a meltdown (such as my possibly screaming at her to just shut the flick up) was also a possibility. I think she felt a bit hurt, but I know she understands and then later I was able to go back and let her know I had actually learned something new from her having shared some of what she had been reading.