Coming to a level of understanding with NT spouse

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I'm very, very angry and frustrated right now, and I apologize ahead of time if this is just incoherent, but I can't hold it to myself anymore. I have for years suspected that I might be somewhere on the spectrum, but it became severely obvious once I got into a long-term relationship with my now husband (together 5 years, married 2). For years we've had communication issues and I'd try and try to get it right, but the trying from his NT perspective was just not enough. I don't know why or how we're still together.

A few months ago, he finally seriously considered my suggestion that I might actually be on the spectrum. And he considers me broken. I know that he has a lot going on now (personally/professionally). But I wish there is some way I can express that I need him to at least try to understand what it's like to be me, and that there can be a way to work together, rather than just seemingly giving up. I don't know how to get that through to him. I've suggested counseling with someone experienced in adult autism, but he doesn't think it'll be useful. At the same time, I don't have anyone else to confide in. In the end I think it's just going to be us drifting apart, living our separate lives. Maybe that's best for us? I am not ready to accept that though.

I guess I don't have a real question here, just want to know how others have handled this.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

I am single but I am replying to say there is no need to apologize. That is what this place is for.

I hope you two do not drift apart.

There are books on Aspie relationships that may help.

A NT spouse needs to stop hinting. If you want an Aspie to do something you have to say it. Or write it down.

You need to identify meltdown triggers and avoid them.

If possible, you two need to set up a routine that allows you to do things together. You don't want special interest activities to take precedence over your relationship. Perhaps doing something on Sundays together, for example.

I have been feeling old lately. Two divorces, five long term relationships, all with NT. I received my formal diagnosis at 41, "high function autism".

My current relationship is just past three years of co-habitation and I will be ending it soon.

Wired the way I am, I decided to go back through my old journals and timeline my relationships. Somewhere between year two and four of co-habitation is when the problems surface.

Regular complaints that I am not supportive enough. This despite putting wife one through college, wife two through MFA, and supporting the goals and dreams of the other partners. But the failure is on all the "emotional stuff".

Not my failure. I support, adapt, cope, and otherwise deal with my partners emotional needs and have gotten to be pretty good at a lot of that stuff. The failure is that every time the NT is useless when I need support, and when I request specific supports that is either "too weird" or simply unreciprocated or ignored.

Example: Currently moving house. This is very traumatic. Three months in advance I informed my current partner that moving is extraordinarily disruptive to my function and that I would need a daily quiet hour and headrubs or cuddles if I am freaking out or non-verbal. That this is nothing to worry about, I have done this before, but that the way they help me is to understand, allow me some space, and provide silent physical reassurance.

This is an ask that is not respected. Once again, I get to hear, "Stop being so autistic". And when I put on my quiet time blankie to sit on the couch she immediately decides that is the time to tell me to "suck it up" and "get back to work".

I do not think there are very many NT that can reciprocate in relationships. I wish I could suggest coping strategies or relationship negotiations or couple therapy, but I have found all that to be BS. Most NT think we are broken, and you can not work around that.

I noticed that your troubles started in the same two to four year window. Good luck. Sorry I have no help, all I can say is that I have been there too and understand your feelings. Be strong, respect your self, protect your soul.

Thank you, everyone.

I'm just beginning to grasp what it means to me that I might be AS and how to deal with it. I need to seriously work on identifying what I need, how to verbally communicate that, and what my triggers are. In the meantime, I don't know how/if I can work with my husband on anything.

We have tried to do many things together (e.g., hiking, woodworking etc), but at the end of the day, our interactions during those times just frustrates and dissatisfies him. He needs me to plan things ahead of time, foresee problems that might happen and figure out solutions to them, to be observant to my surroundings, and to be adaptable to changing situations - all things I've found I'm really bad at. Every time I fail at any of those (and there are too many ways this can happen...), his perspective: "We've talked about this! You know what you need to do in such a situation" but from my perspective: "Yes, I remember we talked about this, but I don't know how to implement it here! How is this situation the same as the last one?" I just can't figure out in enough time the things I'm supposed to do.

Anyway, yes, I'm going to educate myself as much as I can on living with AS, read these forums, and learn about myself.

You may want to do simpler things together. Outings that are less complex. Find places that are easier to go to.

I don't have any suggestions for your specific circumstances, but I did want to pitch in and say that this is not all on you.

Phrases like 'from his NT perspective was just not enough' and 'he considers me broken' suggest that he's not willing to play his part in solving these issues, and frankly he will need to if it's going to work.

It is not all on the NT spouse to solve things, but it isn't all on you either. It's a relationship between two people.

My husband is NT, and we have never been in a situation where he thought I was 'just not enough' or where he 'considers me broken', since my diagnosis or before it. Beforehand he certainly felt confused about some of my behaviours, but never enough that he thought negatively of me, and afterwards things have only been better as he's had even more understanding.

So, this is a deeper issue than NT-ND differences, and it is not all on you to solve this.

ArielsSong, thank you, I have been considering that too. It's possible that the damage is already done, and knowing the possible cause of why I am who I am is not helpful anymore :/

Hi

I can relate to your difficulties in this situation, as my partner of 6 years (and father to our daughter) dumped me after I found out I was on the autistic spectrum. Admittedly our relationship was not in great shape, but I thought it was salvageable and was willing to put in effort to improve it. He did not agree.

He thought it (autism) was un-changeable, somewhat like an hereditary disease.
Perhaps he thought the amount of work he needed to apply to the relationship, would therefore be, uh.... low return.
I also think he felt tricked somehow, because the autism was not a known factor at the beginning of the relationship.
Although this rejection was disappointing for me, I can understand how it was difficult or even impossible for him to accept.
I viewed the new information as an opportunity for improving my self-knowledge (and therefore our relationship), whereas he viewed it as a "deal-breaker". Perhaps it was too late to change that relationship.

Personally, I have greater relationship success with people who are eg., dyslexic, or very spatial-thinking guys (eg tradesmen). We seem to have better "fit" and they have simpler expectations of my "performance" in a relationship.
Their communication tends to be less "wordy", and more direct. They often prefer physical interaction (eg. hug or wrestle) over verbal or social interaction, which helps to reduce my confusion and overstimulation.
They also tend to require understanding and patience, to accommodate their communication/processing needs.
This puts us on a more even level and reduces the amount of hard work needed in the relationship.

I think the main thing is to improve your own coping strategies and self-awareness.
This makes it easier to disclose your autistic tendencies and describe your preferences to a new partner.
Unfortunately a current partner may not cope with the news.

I recommend totally avoiding people who use language such as "robotic", "not human" etc to describe you. Or people who use your autism as leverage or a "final say" in conflict. This demonstrates their inner thoughts about the issue.

They say a marriage can survive anything but contempt. He finds you contemptible now. Time to plan for the eventual split, and take care of yourself instead of him in this situation.

I'm self diagnosed and in a relationship with a female NT. Complicated by being highly impacted by Alexithymia. I know there is no way that the NT emotional needs can be accommodated by an aspie regardless of how accepting the NT might be now, or in the future. Good luck to you and yours.

Different, not broken.

That's a rough one...

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. It absolutely was not without its struggles. Eventually, she came to the realization that I likely was not going to change too terribly much. She realizes that when I get intently focused on something (i.e. computer programming), it's damned near painful / causes high-anxiety when she wants to get my attention to ask me a question or get me to take out the trash or participate in society. Don't get me started about how much 'fun' we have together when I'm driving! I'm perfect at listening to her or safely operating the car... not so much both.

For her part, she finally just accepted it. Yeah... I'm likely an Aspie. She took the time and researched it herself (not sure what she looked at) and just decided that within our relationship, she'd play to my strengths and compensate me for my 'weaknesses' or deficiencies or whatever you want to call them.

I suspect that you share a bit of contempt for that word "broken" to describe yourself. That, to me, is missing the point. I bet that there are some things you're probably way better at handling than he is and vice versa. Seeing the other person's contributions and respecting them for what they are was the key for both of us to make our relationship work.

Hope that helps.

Hi.

I got a preview of what might go through my wife's head about me when our son was diagnosed with autism years ago.
She is the embodiment of NT, she is everything that I am not. She is remarkably skilled in socializing, and a natural organizer and leader. She drags me to social events that I would otherwise avoid, she is the reason that I am not a hermit and have any friends whatsoever. She told me that I was so weird when we were dating, but stayed with me and then married me anyway.
We are a balanced unit. She is socially adept, I am more academically inclined and a loner. I would have never done as well as I have without her, and yet she calls me her rock. I cultivated stoic behavior growing up because yielding to an emotional outburst was punished severely. While I feel for others I am no good at showing it, but I can listen and hold her when she needs a shoulder to cry on and am also good at reigning her in when her fear or enthusiasm get the best of her, as I tend to look at things from a logical perspective. She knows that I need to be alone often just to decompress from the interactions with everyone else. Ironically, she suspected that I was on the spectrum for several years before I figured it out. And yet it hasn't changed our relationship.
I guess I am trying to say that if you can find a balance with the one you love then it can work. But if he thinks of you as "broken" then he will not likely ever appreciate you just for you because it will always color his thinking when it comes to you together.