Coping without family support?

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Hello,

I've just joined this forum.

For a number of years I've been having significant problems in coping with life. In addition to my autism, I suffer from mental health issues - bipolar and anxiety.

Unfortunately, I have not been lucky with my family - they couldn't care less about my problems, and I may as well disregard them completely. I have tried in the past to develop better relationships with them, but I've come to a firm conclusion that my immediate relatives all suffer from personality disorders and are better to be left alone for the sake of my emotional wellbeing.

At the moment I have significant problems managing daily life and getting out of my flat. I believe this is rooted in my autism. I was wondering if anyone here has any ideas on how to manage life as an autistic without family support?

I'm addressing my mental health issues with professional help - my bipolar mania which in the past was causing uncontrollable agitation is now manageable. I'm seeing a therapist once a week to help with my functional problems, but unfortunately I don't think I've been progressing that far with him.

Thanks very much for reading.

I have no family support; it can feel tough and lonely at times, I won't lie. But then again, my particular family members are so dysfunctional and yes, I also believe mine too have personality disorders, that I know in my heart that I really am better off without them in my life than with them. Even my therapist told me that!

There are some people that are toxic and you will have a better life without their presence, family or not. There is NO point in keeping people in your life that are detrimental to you but you are keeping them around just because they are "family" and you don't want to have no family.

This is true in my case. It may not necessarily be what you have to do to -- every case is different, every family is different. So I'm not recommending you estrange yourself from yours. Mine estranged themselves from me and honestly I've come to be glad of that even though it's still true that I WISH I had family. But it's no good if they are unsupportive, judgemental, belittling, toxic and harmful to your self esteem. If that all I can get then no thank you, I'll struggle on by myself. I have actually made enormous strides in life without them; my life got better with them out of the picture in fact.

Some practical advice for living alone and without a lot of people you can turn to for things -- have a schedule you create for yourself for each day. It helps to have structure to your day.

Make lists like "to do" lists -- decide that, say, Monday is take out the rubbish day. Or Wednesday is when you go food shopping for essentials that last you another week. Or Saturday morning is "tidy up and clean the flat" time.

Write down your to-do's and check them off when you accomplish one. It's very satisfying and gives you a little goal and a sense of achievement, plus gets those chores done and gives you a sense of structure to your life.

If you have hobbies, make them part of your structure too.

If you feel a need for socializing, think about whether one of your hobbies or interests has an aspect that could be social, such as joining a local group which meets up regularly.

It IS lonely to be ostracized or estranged from family, I can't say it's not a tough way to live. But like I said above, sometime it's not worth hanging onto people "just because" you can still feel like you have a family, if said family is actually ruinous to your mental and emotional or even physical health and well being.

You can live without them though; it's just a lot tougher than it is for those who are fortunate enough to have caring, supportive people all around them.

Thank you very much for your reply

Hang in there!

There are lots of upsides too, I should have mentioned; you get to make your own decisions more than you can when family members keep putting their two cents in, lol. You can form your own lifestyle without other people's opinions getting in the way. It's definitely a great growing experience to be more free of the pressures family can put on you.

I've lived three decades really far away from my family--half with a partner and half by myself.

There are certainly advantages to living along. I'm learning to cook right now--I can cook the same thing over and over again until I get the recipe just the way I want it--that doesn't work so well if you are living with someone else. And, during these long summer days I'll typically have four meals a day to keep my weight up.

I'll try and stay positive. These are really tough times. I've got some ideas about how to help myself this week.

Hello mg1729, welcome to WrongPlanet!

You'll find lots of people here who share your struggles and its just nice to know you are not struggling alone.

Do you have any pets/creatures to keep you company? I have a dog that I love. I just went to a reptile show and was amazed how many people love to keep lizards, snakes, or frogs as pets.

I second having a pet, if you are permitted to do so where you are living, and if you like animals at all (some people wouldn't want a pet).

A pet can be very good for companionship but also to give you something to have a routine for, if executive functioning and structure is a problem by yourself. Taking care of a pet helps with that, plus give you something "to live for" in all its little needs. It's a responsibility but you could start small.

Yep....having a pet really helps with coping.

I was on the verge (I felt) of becoming a monk when I was 15. My Persian Cat, Zum Zum, really helped me out of my depression.

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for all your replies.

I was thinking of getting a pet, thank you for the suggestion. That it will help me to maintain routine is a big positive, in addition to helping with the loneliness (and frankly also, lack of love!). I am basically a prisoner in my own flat at the moment. I'm not sure if you've heard of the term hikikimori, but that sums me up pretty much . I'll spend some time thinking about pets.

I do definitely need to make the break and get out again to meet some people each week. It's vital to physical and mental health of course. Living in London doesn't make this so easy, from my impression it seems that america is far friendlier than the uk - although all big cities have an impersonal air to them.

I'm in London also, and yes it can be a very impersonal place. On the other hand, you should come to my local park -- I can't stop random people from talking my ear off, lol!

Seriously, the one time in my life I've actually not been seeking to make friends, I have made so many friends in this park that I'm actually annoyed and not getting enough alone-time there, lol. Very chatty bunch -- it's like the "Cheers bar" (old TV show).

Great, that sounds like a nice idea. From the sound of it though, I suspect you're not a resident of East London as I am . I wouldn't call any of the parks in Newham especially friendly!

I've lived alone for 25 years with virtually no family support and few friends, except for a partner (not live-in) for the past two years. I've always had cats and have always been drawn to animals. There is the advantage of being able to do what you want but can definitely be isolating. Like others suggested, I find I do better if I schedule myself things to do, especially during holidays etc when others are with their families.

I think its possible to live with family and get little or no support. On the contrary its could be you being supportive and if its not a give and take mature relationship then you are better off without them imo. There is also the problem of dealing with normal NT behaviour which can be quite unpleasant whether or not it includes personality disorders.

I can totally relate to your post. It´s not a easy thing to just move on without them, it´s your family, not a bad friend you simply can ignore and after a time even forget. If your family is really bad and they know about it and don´t even care, then it´s very harmful for you off course but in this case it´s more like you are both having issues in your lives and none of you can help the other one? The simple rule maybe, just do things that not expect too much, don´t help them and don´t go to them for support.

I live hours away from my family, when I got diagnosed with a chronical disease they didn´t ask me that much about it, I think they just didn´t know too much about it and just left it all with me, like "well, let´s leave it to the doctors". Second, when I got my AS-diagnosis they never mention it either, they just let me have it and ignore it all together, maybe they don´t even believe it and maybe they also feel a bit ashamed over it. That´s what I´m feeling.

I have been through a hell of a lot in my life, but I have learned that they are not there when I need them to listen, they can´t simply handle serious stuff, they make me feel like I´m annoying, whining, attentionseeker, so my only help has been my spouse or someone I have to pay, like a doctor or a psychologist. It´s sad, but I don´t think I´m alone with that experience. They hardest part with lack of support from family is that is SO hard to also GIVE support to others, not because lack of empathy but rarely given it in return.

You need Jesus He is your only true friend in this life, He can be family too, you need only ask Him into your life then you need to talk to Him everyday to build a relationship. He is your support and councillor and everything.

Much Love, Nay.