is this your experience of your own body as well?

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I don't know how well I'll be able to put this in words that other people will understand. I know how I'd describe it but I realize my own description of such things tends not to connect when I try explaining them to other people.

The way I'd put it is I've always had a sort of warm, naive, loving glow in my body, in my veins, and its strength seems to elevate or lower somewhat arbitrarily. In the past few years it's increased a bit more and I tend to feel it flowing through my body, not necessarily in complete correlation to my thoughts or what I'm doing but almost like a house pet reacting to its owner.

All of that might sound lovely but there's something of a brutal side to it. I was the type of guy who got bullied a lot. When I tried to fix the things I need to in order to 'man up' I found myself having to put in extra effort on the self-abuse because it seemed like this force was compensating directly against me or washing away any self-hardening I was trying to administer. To this day occasionally I find myself in positions where my 'maleness act', the cold war mask most men have to put on when they open their front door (or at least any men who hostility isn't natural to), gets eaten away at and I find other guys - whether coworkers or in other environments - scoping me out as horrifically weak, immature, and that usually starts off another painful cycle of self-abuse as I try to tap this stuff down without getting socially back-stabbed right out of a job or whatever else.

I'd really love to know whether this is a common part of the autistic experience, maybe not the ramifications I described but all of what I said in the first paragraph. I find myself circling around the question of whether this is just part of how my genetics express their personality, whether it's some type of retrovirus another foreign but otherwise benign agent, and while I'm not opposed to the possibility of it being something more metaphysical like chi/ki or prana I'd still rather rule out common causes, or perhaps going in the other direction give those common causes their proper dignity if they can have this much impact on my character.

I won't lie that there are beautiful sides to this, particularly with art, music, philosophy, and spirituality, but it seems equally naive to grim survival matters and I'm still grappling to find some middle-way, ie. a way that I can enjoy and applaud it when the contexts are right and ways where I can actually correct it, preferably without all out rebuke, when the grim necessities of life become necessities.

So first let me see if I got your right.

You have this inner glow, inner energy.

In order to put out a tough act and avoid bullying or being taken advantage of, you need to harden yourself through self-abuse.

This inner energy that you have actively resists against such self-abuse.

Are these statements correct?

Also, does this inner glow diminish in strength when you harden yourself towards the world, or is it always there?

It sounds like spiritual energy to me, although that's a very general term still. Sounds interesting and beautiful.

Yes, I'd say that's pretty much the picture.



I don't think so. It seems to hide away and let me if times get particularly rough, but then if I've abrased my nervous system enough my resistance to it is also lowered when it does come around.


And that's a tough thing to talk about, let alone for people to talk much about or give advice back and forth on.

These days I do my best to keep things in balance, if I have to sprint I sprint, and I think that effort to keep balance helps keep things synced more often than not. It wasn't quite the case when I was younger and it seems like with more time I've had more capacity to build layer, not of resistance to but perhaps proper metabolism of whatever it is.

Sounds like it's always there for you



It is. I am not even sure if I should; I got into the concept of spirituality 4 to 5 years ago, let it shrink, then came back in earnest during the past few months, and although I've made important breakthroughs I wouldn't consider myself an expert at all. So let's just try to figure out what is going on.

I wonder, have you done meditation while focusing on this energy that you mention? Have you tried Tai Chi? Or doing Reiki? There are certain yoga practices that also talk about energies, but I am unaware of the details. Either way, if you have done any of these or something similar, have you felt that energy in yourself being influenced by consciously practicing these, well, practices?


To answer your original question, no, I don't feel any kind of strong energy per se. What I know I've felt is an inner light I can access sometimes which will tell me what is the right thing to do, and give me energy to do it no matter how tired I might be. And the less I doubt it the stronger it gets.

Also, have you already seen Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability? It's this one: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability in case you haven't. I go back to it from time to time. One of my current concerns is the question, is it possible to show and project strength from a position that could be called of "weakness" but is actually a position of vulnerability? A source of inspiration for me of this is this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXEuEUQIP3Q . I still cannot believe how Mr Rogers had the incredible bravery to sing a children's song in a Senate hearing. And he was actually successful, to boot!

I've tried a variety. I had maybe a year or so where I was doing the Golden Dawn LIRP and LBRP in the morning and evening respectively. Also I took a go at Israel Regardie's One Year Manual and had a full month (9th step of 12 if I remember correctly) where I did the Middle Pillar twice per day - I'd stretched the steps out to 45 days and I had to actually stop around the 30 day mark because I was getting signals that I was getting overloaded to a point that was bad for my health. I also, a few years back, had a friend who loaned me Robert Bruce's Energy Work book - it did have some exercises in it that I liked, I bought a copy but its shelved for now.

I'm working a lot right now, have a huge project for work, but I am at least pushing myself to do a handful of short Qi Gong breath exercises in the morning. I do have a martial arts background, ie. close to ten years now of Inosanto-style kali along with wing chun (w wooden dummy), kuntao, and yes - I did learn the 24 form of Tai Chi and part of the sword form, haven't done that in a while though.


TY - I'll check that first one out. Regarding the second I do remember that video and I what really rang clear about it for me is that if you're really doing what you believe in, and you represent it for its own sake free of side-agendas and the like, your sincerity will reach people because not only will there be no noise in the signal, people will be taken aback by its clarity. The kind of strength you're talking about might simply be classified as purity in the sense of one-pointedness. One could consider integrity to be a close cousin if not in complete overlap with said concept.