Turning 30 and still don't have my life together

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I am turning 30 in August of the coming year and I still don't have my life together at all. I am still working a part time job, I don't have a college degree of any sorts (I am a dropout if anything), I don't date despite wanting a girlfriend to the point it makes me depressed, I have a shrinking friendship network, I still live with my mother, and my father owns the car I drive. I feel like my 20's were wasted when they should've been my best years but no matter what I did, life did not go the way I wanted it to go.

Yep, I commiserate.
The best comment I could probably make for both of us would be that it's not too late. I don't know about you, but I'm delayed. So the capability level most people are at in their early twenties, I'm at in early thirties. Whatever you wished you did in your twenties - set to doing it now. I'm handling this pragmatically (as much as I can) and systematically working out the areas where I believe life is lacking. It's not perfect, but it's better than it was in my mid-twenties that's for sure.
I also had to come to understand that the "standards" that everyone holds everyone else up to for whether or not you have your life together don't even apply to me. I do not want children, I don't want to get married (though a relationship may be interesting, when I have some crucial dealbreakers worked out) I don't want a house or a mortgage, I don't want a steady 9 - 5 office job I'll work for the next 40 - 50 years until I retire or drop dead.
So being expected to have those things just to be externally thought of as "together" is nonsensical. That's liberating in a way, realizing that you don't even want a Stepford life, so why beat yourself up that you don't have one?
Again I don't know if it applies to you, but my own delays seemed to follow a pattern of interdependent co-arising - aka I didn't have independence because I don't have enough money, I don't have enough money because I don't have a steady job, I don't have a steady job because I have no idea what I want to do with life or how to get there if I did, etc etc. If you can get at the head of that proverbial snake, I reasoned, and start at the top - the problem that leads to all the other problems - then you can start to correct them one by one in a sort of proverbial lifestyle daisy-chain.
That's where I'm at anyway. I'd be interested in your ideas, because it reads like we're in a similar conundrum.

I don't know if this helps, but I met my husband when I was twenty and he was thirty-two.
His age really wasn't an important factor for me.
Things may yet work out for you, if you try and stay positive.

The way you describe it, I believe you should get your savings and move from your parents. At least to a bigger city if not totally north. Your mother seems abusive-controlling. The Southern society you simply don't fit. You need to get away from that, really.

I used to hope my individuality would be my tool to live the life I wanted and maybe I could've shown others a different way to live. Instead, my individuality was attacked and I was jammed into a round hole that the ones doing it refused to quit even when I was breaking apart. It wasn't until I was thought to be dead when I was finally left alone.

I've read some of your posts, Marknis, and you remind me of someone I know. He had the same sort of self-esteem issues that you have - by around his mid- to late-twenties he'd developed the attitude that nothing he did ever worked out, and that he was basically useless and a waste of space.

He's nearing fifty now, is not married and has been essentially unemployed for twenty years, so not a great situation and I can't say that everything is necessarily going to work out for you, either. The problem is that once you lose the confidence in your ability to improve your life, there's no longer any incentive to make any effort. Feelings of failure can paralyse you from taking positive actions - and without action, failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

The strange thing was that, from the outside, he always seemed perfectly capable, so it was hard to understand what was holding him back. We'd just be scratching our heads, wondering, 'why didn't he do X?'. In hindsight, I think the self-esteem issue was so deep-rooted, and maybe mixed with a mild depression, it was preventing him from picking himself up and trying again.

I guess what I'm saying is, I sympathise that your life up to now has not gone to plan, but you need to have a plan of action to change things. You seem to have completely ignored Magz' suggestion above, but is it really out of the question? And if so, is there anything that could make it possible?

I do hope you succeed in getting a girlfriend, but please don't expect that this will solve your problems. I'd be worried, in fact, that having such high expectations for the relationship might doom it to failure. First, work on your self-esteem issues, and get professional help for these if you need. Do whatever you can to get yourself into a place where you're able to think positively and start making plans again.

Hope that helps in some way.

You work part time so you probably have enough money to keep yourself alive in a rented room like a student would do - so do it.
From there on it will only go better. Without parents that control you and help you with every little thing you will gain the freedom to do what you want and the motivation to learn what's necessary(if you don't learn you will starve in a messy room and stinky clothes). Sometimes all that's needed is the opportunity to try what you are able to do. You will never do some things with parents watching your every step.

I moved out from family home a few months ago, at age 28,5. I still don't have a job (I am on SSI for now) but for the few months I developed more than I did for 9 years of being an "adult child". I am cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, shopping and attending school I signed to by myself. I also have a Fwb (I don't want to date him but I wanted to try the sex thing so thats how it developed) and 3 other potential boyfriend candidates in case I decide to actually date someone(I am still looking for a right person so they are just friends or in case of the last one - someone "my type" - because I didn't talk to him yet, I only seen him once and realized I love his looks). Call me slut but I am a "teenage girl" that just broken free from family home. That's what "youth" is for. Trying stuff and making mistakes before you turn into a proper adult.

It truly is out of the question. I don't have the finances to move and my mental health is so bad that I can't think of any potential plans without getting anxiety ridden.

Why would I call you that? I am anti-religious and sex positive but I can't achieve any sort of sex because women think I am gross.

OK. Sorry if I put pressure on you. Sounds like the best thing you could do right now would be to get some help with your mental health, to ease yourself into a more positive mindset. What's your experience with counselling and medications? Is there something you can try changing on that front?

That's very good advice.

Too often, people look for quick fixes. The reality is that the quick fixes rarely, if ever, actually fix anything. They are as likely to make things worse as they are to make things better.

I was also thinking like this, a year ago. Anxiety was literally killing me (I was considering suicide every time I thought about my plans because moving out and finding a job was too overwhelming).
Then I went to psychiatrist, got meds (Coaxil for anxiety/depression), started preparing to get on SSI so I have enough money to live on my own and then moved out. Everything worked out just right.
There is no "impossible". You named the issues - now when you know what they are you need to work on fixing them.

Finances are not a big deal - you have a part time job therefore you should have enough finances to rent a single room in a multi room flat, shared with students. They aren't expensive. You don't have a wife nor kids so you don't need to have a full time job to survive. Money was an issue for me because I didn't have any income and it's difficult for me to find a job, even part time so I needed the SSI to move on. But your situation is pretty good.
And anxiety can be dealt with using meds.

Maybe try not to think so much about it, and do something that actually does turn your adult life around for the better.
At least there is some work for you where you live, and being anxious and complaining about it all the time, won't lend you a firm hand in the future. Sounds like its going to happen eventually, so stop putting it off? I'm going to be there before you anyway, and there are always obstacles around me, I either let it play it course, or get to grips with something else completely. Sometimes life feels as if you're taking a backwards step when everyone else around you is doing fine, but unless you've got something to worry about, I wouldn't create another side dilemma for yourself. Delve into nostalgia if you have to, but there's no remedy like the present.

You have a list of things you want to do. Perhaps you should start by going back to school to get that degree.

Hello, Marknis. I'm sorry that you're still feeling so low, and I hope you're having a nice day!

I just was thinking about how bummed out you are about your girlfriend situation, and I wanted to try and get you to think more positive, even though I know that that rarely helps in cases of depression.

In this instance, though, I just wanted you to think about the facts, because maybe that will help?

There are about 325,000,000 people in the United States. About half of them are female, equaling about 162,500,000 female people. Lets say about half of them might fall within an age range that is suitable for you to consider a partnership with, leaving about 81,200,000 ladies. About 50% of those women may be married, leaving 40,600,000 women. If you have common interests with only 10% of those women (I think that's probably a low estimate, because you seem very nice and smart, which is the main criteria I've heard a lot of women are looking for in a man) there would still be 406,000 women for you to flirt with, in the hopes of forging a relationship of some kind.

And that's just the United States.

Please try to remember when you're feeling discouraged about relationships that there are more opportunities out there than it might seem, but it might take you a long time to go through so many options until you can find the right partner!

In the mean time, do everything else you can to work on improving your depression. Get sunshine and exercise, watch comedy, pursue your other goals, work on your sleep issues, etcetera! There are plenty of people in committed, long term relationships who are still very depressed, and I worry that you are too convinced that a relationship will be the best cure for your depression. A woman is not a treatment plan, even though the right woman will definitely be able to lift your spirits and raise your oxytocin levels with a hug and a smile . . . but so can petting a dog.

And a woman is more likely than a dog to have complex needs that she expects you to meet for her, as well. So if all you're thinking about is what you might receive out of a relationship, you might want to spend some time thinking about what you will be able to offer, and you'll have more stamina to give if your depression is already better under control.

If you remember me, then you know that I have pervasive depressive disorder, so I am familiar with your plight in trying to cope with chronic depression, and I understand how miserable it can make you. Do what you can, that's all you can do!

In other words....it ain't over yet