Reasons why I think of Death a lot and haunting questions...

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This is going to be a very gloomy and personal post, but I just wanted to explain this here. The reasons why I've always thought of death a lot. BEFORE I GET TO WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, I just want to let everyone know that I'm not suicidal at all and I don't want to try killing myself again because that's a very difficult and painful thing to do, and my life honestly isn't bad enough for that right now.

I've honestly been surrounded by death my entire life. Both of my biological parents have been dead for a very long time and the truth is, I've actually been alive LONGER than both of my biological parents. my biological mother was born in 1982 and died in 1995, 2 weeks after me and my twin brother were born (my twin brother was murdered by my biological father.) And my biological father was born in October of 1976 and was killed by inmates in prison in January of 1998, and I was born in December of 1995 and i'm still alive today in March 2018...

Death has also always fascinated me. I always believed that after I die, I'll become a ghost and be able to accomplish everything I couldn't accomplish while I was alive (but that's a whole different story).


The main reason why I always thought of death is because I don't like the way this world is run and a lot of times I feel that there's nothing good here left for me at all, and also because I wanted to just ditch everyone and leave them all behind forever. I don't know why but i get so much satisfaction from that thought.

People always think that the reason why I think of death a lot is because i have a 'low self esteem' or because i think i deserve to be dead because 'i don't like myself', BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL! and it angers me when people say that.

In all honesty, i have a VERY high self esteem, and it just shows that I view death differently from normal minded people. I honestly believe my soul will be set free when I die and i'll be able to go to heaven, but I'm not suicidal at all because suicide is a VERY difficult and painful thing to do and I don't have the guts for it because my life is not bad enough for that right now.

But a short while ago it kinda was... Back when I was living in Wisconsin (In August of 2017), I got a letter from the state telling me that they were going to cut me off of my healthcare and my foodstamps unless I get a job. I'm a type 1 diabetic. I needed my state health insurance for my insulin or else i would die, and I also needed food to survive too. BUT I can't hold a job at all because of my mental illnesses I was diagnosed with, but they said they were going to cut me off my state health insurance and foodstamps.

Another thing I forgot to mention earlier is that ever since I heard the stories of
Tammy Jo Alexander: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Tammy_Alexander
Michelle Garvey: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Michelle_Garvey
and Brittanee Drexel: http://charleyproject.org/case/brittanee-marie-drexel
I've always wanted to die far away from home so when my body is found, no one would know who i was or where i came from and it'd be a mystery to everyone. The thought of that always fascinated me.
Exactly the same as the time I almost ran away and died in Arkansas: http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=341183

So later that night after I got the letter from the state telling me that they were going to cut me off of my health care and foodstamps, i found this abandoned beach off the shores of coastal Virginia. It's almost 800 miles away from where I use to live in Wisconsin so i felt that it was definitely far away enough so i felt like it would be the perfect place for me to die:

At that time, I knew I was already going to die from not having any insulin so my plan was to go to the beach and kill myself on the beach by poisoning myself.

if you want to know the exact location of where the beach i found was, here's the link to it on google maps: https://www.google.com/maps/dir//36.625 ... m2!4m1!3e0

So i posted an ad on craigslist asking for someone to take me there, and I DID find a man who was willing to drop me off at that beach in coastal Virginia!

BUT there's only one reason why I never went there...

I told my psychiatrist that the state was cutting me off of my foodstamps and health insurance, and at the last minute, she wrote them a note telling them not to cut me off of my foodstamps or health insurance because i couldn't hold a job at all due to my Autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, or my borderline personality disorder, and they ended up not cutting me off of it so I didn't have to die at all.

I didn't tell her that I was planning on killing myself on the beach in Virginia but it's almost like she knew that I was going to. If it wasn't for her doing that, I would have died on the beach in coastal Virginia because I already had someone who was going to take me there.

I still think about that day a lot though... Every time I hear this music:

it always makes me imagine myself sitting on the beach alone in coastal Virginia late at night, waiting for the poison to kill me... very haunting and morbid, but still fascinating and beautiful in my mind.

HERE'S MY QUESTIONS FOR EVERYONE:

first, here's exactly what I would have looked like the day I died on the beach in coastal Virginia. I would have been wearing no shirt, but the red shorts, the necklace which I always wear, and my pointy red bandanna, which i wear in all my youtube videos and which i want to wear when I die so my biological uncle is able to recognize me in heaven:



1.) If I would died on that beach, how long do you think it would have taken for my body to be found and who do you think would have found it?
2.) Let's say I Did die on the beach on August 25th 2017 BUT my body was not found till today (March 19th 2018) what do you think my body would have looked like after being dead that long on the beach in coastal Virginia? do you think I would have still been recognizable?
3.) What do you think of all of this? please share your thoughts.


And as to how my life is going right now. It's not quite the best, but it is better than before. I have my insulin and I'm living with my adoptive parents relatives down in Florida (I always wanted to live in Florida but I definitely did not get here the way I wanted to, but I'm still glad to be here). I'm also trying to get on SSI/disability and I'm trying to find a Male lover/partner to spend my life with. I honestly think I'm fine the way I am, yeah, there's a lot of stuff 'wrong' with me, but I really don't mind it at all.

i'm definitely not looking for sympathy either. And if you have nothing nice to say, please keep it to yourself. I get enough judgement thrown at me as it is.

you're very fit, it would be a shame to see all that fitness go to a premature demise.

well the thing is, it eventually happens to all of us. it's a fact of life.
but thank you <3

you're welcome. to answer the 2nd question, after about 100 days but up to a year later, one's body would have deteriorated down to little more than bones and hair and whatever clothing one was wearing at the time, assuming the corpse had not been found. since beaches are generally busy places during the day, chances are any corpse there, even in the tall grass, would have been found before final decomposition stage, the smell alone would have given the corpse up for discovery. as for the first question, there is no telling who would have found a corpse but the chances are better if it was a regular beachcomber, retired older person. if I were fortunate enough to live near a beach, it would likely have been somebody like myself.
if you are interested, in an abstract way, in the process of death itself, I recommend Dr. Sherwin Newland MD's book, "how we die." it is very clinical and informative. it does NOT delve specifically into methods of accelerating one's demise, as its main purpose.

Or try Stiff, The Curious lives of Human Cadavers which would give you more info about what happens as the corpse disintegrates.

I also read How We Die and enjoyed it very much. Sherman Newland is a very smart man and writes well. He also has a good book on aging.

For fiction, you might like Carl Hiaasen's novels. Try Tourist Season first. He has a macabre sense of humor you might enjoy. His books should be required reading for anyone living in Florida.

Death is a part of life and I don't see anything abnormal about considering death and various aspects of it. However, it would be considerate not to die where others like auntblabby might find you.

i wonder what it is like to be dead.

how can i wonder? i have nothing to go on.

some concepts are just impossible to conceive.

i can not conceive of "never....forever". it's like 0=infinity.

how can i be scared of not knowing anything after i die.

some scientists say that everything sprang out of the big bang.
they say that there is no such thing as "before" the big bang because time did not start until then.

but if time did not exist before the big bang, then there would have been no time for the big bang to have happened.

if there was literally nothing "before" the big bang including even a "before", then there would have been nothing to cause it to happen, and no time in which it could "happen".

i believe the universe is like a respiration cycle, and the big bang is just a point of exhalation which eventually gets inhaled into super massive black holes that eventually grow so big, that the acceleration of expansion will be halted and reverse after all matter external to black holes has been sucked in, and there is nothing in the universe except for black holes, and all the super massive black holes will gravitate toward each other, and when the last one in sucked in.....bang it goes again.

i think there is a trip point where the entire mass and energy in the universe is sucked into a non existant point (L=0,W=0,H=0) and that is the big bang point.

so i think it has been going on forever.

so, before i was born, i was non existent forever.
i never experienced a nanosecond of it.

but i woke up into the universe and will live for a while and then i will be non existent again forever.

but herein lies a paradox. forever is infinity, and if i was dead forever before i was born, then forever ended didn't it?
had how can i be dead for 2 forever's ?
surely it leads one to the conclusion that i will reemerge into life sometime in the future after i die.

another more philosophical idea is that it takes living brain cells to retain a memory. it takes living brain cells to give us the illusion of self identity.

so what if i was conscious the whole time, but retain no memory of it due to the fact i had no brain cells then?

that means that after i die i will retain no memory of my life or a sense of self identity.

as the hindu's say, i will be like a droplet of water that falls back into the ocean of collective consciousness.

well hawking is now dead so .......can't say he remembered he was an atheist or anything.

oh well, time to slow down on this type of thought.