My own view of life

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Is it usual that you question the right of your own existence and existence of the species as in basis of consciousness and the troubles of the world as viewing it essentially zero sum game while condemning unhappiness which in turn leads to conclusion that it calls for voluntary species wide extinction? It would cancel out all the misery.

I can not allow myself to be happy and do what I want. Maybe, after all, I do have ideological Asperger's. I used to have friends when I was a child but the deeper I go into my right of being potential chaos generator (as we all are) makes every human relation potentially unethical and I have followed this as a guideline most of my life. I think relations with people are possible and I could handle it but I have always turned it down any change I have gotten in my life. I'm kind of proud of it.

I can't still figure why self-conscious life forms allow suffering happen in continuous form. Voluntary extinction is so much easier and cleaner solution.

We are so incredibly self-centered beings.

We don't opt for voluntary extinction because we have a pre-human instinct for survival, both personal and as a species.

haha. that too is quite self-centered- if it weren't, we wouldn't care much either way.
Also: most people aren't looking for a clean solution.

A few years back I was more social, within my circle of friends, and in a relationship. But then I started getting really depressed and, frankly, a bit mad. Since then, I have gotten better and am roughly like I was before, except for the knowledge of my own capability for disintegrating. Since then, I find it hard to engage with people, as I feel I have broken some things, then others around me broke some things, and no one got away undamaged -....
eventually, I'm finding it unethical for me to engage in closer relationships. And looking in from the outside, I can see how some people at least should maybe find that awareness, too. That they are broken and breaking others. ( an old friend of mine told me her father turned out to be a paedophile, for example. I'm not THAT broken, just depressed and occasionally a bit manic , but I'm wondering what hybris had gotten into that man for him to become a husband, father, community member etc., rather than become a hermit and try to do as little damage as possible.)

hell is other people, true, but it seems the majority is somehow fine with that, or accepts the risk of getting damaged by the people they engage with. I guess it's a gamble.
and people love gambling.