… who recognizes my situation. English is not my native language, so please forgive me if I make errors. Besides I'm drunk anyway, so it doesn't matter...
My brother died at the age of 52 in November 2017. He was 52 and had an alcohol issue. His son found his father
after two days of lying in a heated house. The boy is traumatized. There's a daughter of 12 and she's autistic.
End of January 2018 I lost my job. A job which I had been enjoying doing for almost 26 yrs. But suddenly I didn't fit in their perspective anymore (read : team-building, being dynamic, flexible, Multi-functional an stress -resilient). I am none of that. So I got fired.
In the middle of March 2018 my mother died.
I am the only one left. My father died in 2012, my only brother is dead and my mother is dead. Everyone is at the graveyard. Except me.
We (my husband and I) are confronted with : taking up legal aspects (heritage : me and my brother's children of which one is an autistic girl). His son found his father dead after a few days in a heathed house. I don't want to know any details about it, but the boy is traumatized for sure.
Me, my husband and my ex-sister in law (my brother divorced years ago and moved back in with my mother) are still on speaking terms, thank God for that. I appreciate what she has done for my brother and I do not hold any grudge against her, on the contrary.
We are arranging stuff. Cleaning up my mother's house (she had a serious serious ! ! hoarding problem), and arranging legal issues (I don't want to put my brother's children at any disadvantage whatsoever !). I gave my husband full authority to arrange this for me, since I am not capable of doing this on my own.
We are cleaning up my parent's house because it needs to be sold. I am confronted with memories of my past (like a Rolling Stones LP with a written remark on it from my brother : "for my sister's 15th birthday". I shrivel up and die. I die right there and then.
I can not cope at all. I do not go to the cemetary because everyone is there : my father, my mother, my only brother. There is no one left but me, and I want to die as well. Quickly and easily. My brother died by getting some sort of attack (probably) and he fell forward on his nose. His nose broke and probably he died instantly. God bless him.
Today I went for the first time into the bathroom where he died. There are still some blood stains (from the broken nose), and I thought : I want this as well. Just let me die in peace and quickly.
I can not cope with this. I am seeing a psychiatrist and I am on medication. I do all I am supposed to do. But in the end I just want to die. I drink as much as my body can tolerate, I combine that with painkillers and tranquillizers, hoping I will not wake up anymore. Everyone is dead, so why shouldn't I ???
I have no job, I have nothing to live for. I have a husband, but I just want him to have the inheritance so he can move on without me. I do not want to be here any longer.
I drink a lot, and I try to combine booze with painkillers, sleeping tablets and tranquillizers, hoping that one day I will never wake up again. I am seeing a psychiatrist, but for some reason, I do not tell her the truth. I make up a story of "I'm fine" and I think she believes it.
I can not cope with this at all. Can anyone give me advice ? Please forgive my poor English and the fact that I am drunk right now 
_________________
"Ik ben normaal. De rest niet"