Early parental loss

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Hi, I'm looking for companions on here because this is a very important topic for me.

I lost my dad when I was 15 years old. He suffered a hemmorhagic stroke and died after about 6 weeks in hospital. It happened so sudden. Saturday night we were playing games together and sunday morning he got taken away by the ambulance. Since he suffered a stroke he wasn't able to speak anymore. This means I never really got to say goodbye to my dad. All I did was cry when we were in the hospital visiting my dad. Seeing my sweet, cheerful father on the hospital bed in a vegitative, unresponsive state was traumatic for. I felt so incredibly sorry for my father. He was such an amazing, caring father.

When he died I pretended everything was fine. I just wanted everything to go back to normal again. I didn't want to be that weak child that everyone felt sorry for. I just continued my life and tried not to think about it too much.

Now, more than 10 years later I am really starting to realise what I lost. Evaluating and reflecting on my life so far as a twenty-something brings back old memories. Memories of my amazing dad too. The man that cared so well for us, the man that meant everything to me. I often feel a tsunami of hurt and sadness just thinking about him and realising I will never see him or talk to him again.

Has anyone else of you experienced the loss of a parent as a child? What impact did this have on you? In what way did it change your life? How did you cope with this and how do you feel about this today? How has your ASD impacted this?

I hope to find soms companions on here.

Thank you so much for your responses.

It is not unusual for people on the spectrum to experience emotions differently and that sometimes means experiencing them on a delayed basis.

This is a GUESS, but I wonder if at the time of his death you were just so relieved that his suffering had ended you forgot about your own loss and for whatever reason it has come to the surface now.

My advice is not to fight it no matter how inapproriatly late others or yourself think it is. Maybe a visit to his grave would help.

Hello Cafeaulai ( i think that is wrong ,if so im sorry,

I can relate too well. My heart goes out to you. I am ADHD though and am married to an Aspie.
I was 16 when my father died, and he was the most loving caring person in my life. And talk about my whole life taking a U turn ..oh yes.
My dad was always very much pro education , he was always insistant about me going to college after I graduated. It was a deffinate that I would get a good education. He would say flat out you are never going to have to depend on anyone , you will always be on equal footing and be able to make your own choices and call your shots.
My happiness was so important to him.
Well the next year of school starting (high school) after he died, my mother told me I would not be returning to graduate. She told me that she could not afford to take care of me that Social Security refused to pay her for me. I found out years later she lied, and that at that time (i am 65 now) she could have recieved benefits for me even after eighteen if I were going to college.
But you know what sustained me after my Father died? It was the wonderful memories. He was so funny and fun , and had so many friends and he taught me so much. He suffered staying in a terrible marrige with my mom and he never lost his smile and good nature ! He was so smart and he did love me so much. I knew that I did not want to ruin the good legacy of happiness that he left me with. I knew that to allow his death to ruin me instead of be gratefull and keeping his happiness and good teachings with me would be a tragedy, and It would have in a way wasted his life , because his main focus was to raise in me a happy secure independant woman. I could not disrespect him that way. When I think of my father , i feel a little taller, and stronger and i remember THE GOOD TIMES and I smile and laugh from memories he gave me. I celebrate his life ....i know i was very fortunate to have ever had him in my life at all. I hope you can take something from my experience because your father sounds much like mine and he would never want you unhappy no matter what . I wish you all the best and I am sorry for your loss but I am more happy that you had such a good man for a father . Even for the short time . Our fathers died way too early but we don't have to spoil their goodness!! ! Lots of love and good wishes go out to you Cafeaulate...(sp) take care
weez

Thank you so much for responding weez. It means a lot to me to read your message. It reminds me that I am not the only one that's been through this hardship.
I feel so sorry for the loss of your father. What did he die of if I may ask?

I am trying to focus on the positive things, but everytime I think about the wonderfull things we did together I burst into tears. The fact that this is what I lost makes me so very sad.
I hope I will one day look back on my dad and the things we did with a smile instead of a tear.

I lost my dad about a month ago.

I couldn't really say "goodbye" to him, either.

He was on a ventilator. I could talk to him, and he can hear me. But he couldn't talk.

He passed away trying to go from one ventilator to a less severe one (one where he would have been able to talk).

True, it wasn't an "early" loss. But a loss, nevertheless.

I am very sorry for your loss Kraftie. Hope he gets a good spot in heaven.

Thanks, Café au lait.

I definitely believe a spot was reserved for him. He was a good man.

Christmas is right around the corner. Reminds me of christmas 12 years ago. When we were at the hospital with dad. God, I just wish I could be back in 2006 for just a few seconds. If I could just look into his eyes for a moment, just hear his voice again. What a mighty good man my father was. I miss him so terribly.

He seemed like a good dad.

I do wish you could go back and tell him, from an adult perspective, how much you truly love him. And appreciate him.

But I'm sure he knows that already.

I know this thread is a bit old but my dad died when I was 13. He had a stroke when I was 8 and so memories of him were him sick and not being able to talk to me. My mum had remarried and visits to him were awful. When he died I pretended he wasn't dead, that he had just gone to Brighton and was renovating a house and would call me to see him when they were done. It was the only way I could manage to get up and keep going to school.
It's been really important in later life to find out all I could about him. He was an amazing man ahead of his time in so many ways. People would say how like him I was but I hate it that I was too young to remember him. I also now think that he may have been an Aspie too. Aeronautical engineer, then after WW2 a card carrying communist, involved with setting up a theatre and painting scenery and running the bar and when I knew him having a club which probably kept his alcoholism affordable! These were the days when being a good drinker and smoker were popular!
I think too as a girl the early loss made me make bad choices for partners. Classic looking for love in the wrong places.
I hope everyone with a father appreciates them. I still have imaginary conversations with mine and wish he had been there throughout my life. It was important for me to find out about him to help me understand myself more.

Astroecho, thank you for your response. I am sorry for your loss, my heart really goes out to you. It sure is hard seeing your father after a stroke, not being able to talk to him. I know all about it. Having the situation last for 5 years, such a strange and sad thing.
I can also totally relate to wanting to know everything about your father, wanting to know who he was as a person. How did you find the information you needed? And do you sometimes still feel sad about the loss of your father?

Thanks for the reply. I still think about him and even writing this brings tears to my eyes and I'm 54!! !! I went back to the UK a couple of times and luckily by chance ran into a friend of his in a pub that was on a pub crawl after one of the theatre friends of his had died. The last of the 4 engineers that had known each other before the war and as they all survived still decided to keep going with their dream! I held the door open for this guy in a wheelchair when I went into a hotel I could remember was a local of my fathers to 'have a drink for him'! This guy had just been saying to his carer that was with him about the club my dad had and all the amazing artists from Pinewood studios that would go there. The coincidence was amazing! He was also 'gay friendly' when it was still illegal so a lot of the people I watched hiding under a table (when my mum thought she had put me to bed) were very flamboyant!
The most interesting thing was piecing together what he had done before the war. I knew he had been in the airforce as a half brother had told me that he went to America during the war. I looked up records on Ancestry.com and found out the stories I could remember about an Irish mother were true too and he had been born posthumously when his dad died in trenches in Flanders. I even saw a picture of his grave! The census on the eve of war had him as Inspector A lol and (aircraft) after it. Then someone told me aircraft were manufactures in America so he must have been sent there. He came back a communist lol!

I originally came to Australia at 20 to speak to his second wife about him. It's taken a long time to piece the pieces together but I feel glad I did.
She was getting a bit old. I always thought I was named after him... he was always called Nick and I'm Nicole. After he died I found out his real name was Frederick Charles. She told me she nicknamed him Nick as he was a bit of an old Devil!! ! lol... still mixed feelings about that joke!
I

What a special man your father must have been!
Amazing stories, his life sure wasn't boring

Thanks Cafeaulait, as I'm sure your father must have been. I read an article once on the importance of good father role models and how that can help with good choices for partners we pick. How subconsciously were are comparing future mates with our fathers! I'm not sure how true it is but I know how hard it is not having a father there. My mum is amazing tho. Are you closer to your mum now? I can see why some people find solace in religion with the idea of a father figure looking after you. I'm not religious but can see how metaphors work. I hope you find strength knowing that your dad was awesome and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! x

Cafeaulait Hello ,
I am sorry it took me so long to reply! I am kinda new to wrong planet and I am just learning how to check on replies and all that stuff.
My father had pancreatitis, and went into the hospital and in the hospital other things began going bad so I don't truly know the reason but on his death certificate I believe it says pancreatitis .
I know your still missing your dad and i am missing mine as well. We always will Cafeaulait and sometimes it is not as easy to be happy for the good times. I need to try harder .
I hope you are healing some , I will always be wounded but I know I am a much better person because of my Father.

take care Cafeaulait