Breakthough I think

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Not sure if it's the holiday we just had or the fact that our therapy is having a major effect or he decided to talk about it.

2 nights ago on holiday We were at a lake late at night just looking at the still water we both sat there and he suddenly asked me if he was a good person.

I was taken back by the question cause he's always been a morally good person he's never hit or abused me and I gave him some crap over the last year or two. He's a hard worker hence why he's liked in his job and he's well liked in the village we live in and I was confused over the question.

I said that he was a good person he's done nothing to hurt me even though I did things which angered and frustrated him so why did he think he was not a good person.

He stared at the lake and he said that he feels that he was a bad person and said that looking at the lake in the silent darkness was giving him a chance to reflect so I listened.

He then started talking about his daughter how he thought that she died because he failed listen to his instincts and instead believed the GP when the GP said it was a simple cold and when he decided to take her to A&E it was too late. She died of meningitis I was friends with him when it happened.

He then said that his daughter was his world and to have her die was like he lost a part of himself and he thinks everyone even if they don't say or do should blame and hold him responsible for her death.

I then decided to say that no one his ex, his family his ex's family blame him and it wasn't his fault you place trust in medical experts like people place trust in him when it comes to computer networks. It's easy for me to say that cause I never lost a child but at that moment in time I saw for once a man who thinks the world hates him cause he believes he killed his daughter. I held him as he cried cause what could I say to him. He even thinks the reason why he has seizures he because some higher being or force in the universe is punishing him.

I did ask where does he goes on the anniversary as I would assume the graveyard but he said he does to lay flowers then he just walks and walks to try and think about stuff like what would things be like if he just listened to his own gut and not the GP who kept insisting he was been neurotic which would explain why he mistrusts GP's but has absolute respect for people who work in A&E.

We talked more about stuff I asked him stupidly and wrongly if he wanted another child but from me but he said no and I then asked to know more about his daughter cause while I knew him as a friend i didn't see him often at the time as he lived over an hour away on the bus at the time.

He talked more about her and honestly I'm kinda learning something new about my partner he worshipped his daughter I do remember his ex saying though pregnancy he insisted she didn't lift a finger and he would massage her feet every day as her feet tended to hurt and was at every scan and did all the housework and worked she said she had to make him let up as she felt lazy been waited on. Then she mentioned how he would be changing the nappy all the time and feeding by bottle as she found breastfeeding hard and was as she said the prefect dad she even said she felt a bit pushed out as he dotted all on the daughter but less on her but said he was still kind and caring.

I never fully believed that anyone can be prefect but now I do.

We enjoyed the holiday on that I gained a much better insight and I want him to know I can be there for him and I wouldn't pressure him to talk again but I did suggest he put a picture of his daughter up if he wanted to.

What an incredible man you have. Wow! He has been through so much. He is so fortunate to have you.

He seems a decent sort of fellow. You're lucky to have each other. His feelings of guilt are understandable if irrational, but I wouldn't like to suggest how either of you should deal with them. I suppose those wounds will heal with time.

I don't know I been crappy to him the last 2 years but I'm more determined to make it up especially now that I know how much he hates himself for something that was not his fault but it makes me understand better why he distrusts GP's but he defends A&E staff to anyone who slags them off as they faught hard to revive his daughter.

Makes me worry though about his mental health but I don't want him to clam up

I'm so happy for you, this was wonderful to read. I can't imagine the horrific pain of losing a child and blaming myself, how awful. Keep doing what you're doing and he will open up more and trust you.

I could never understand as I am choosing never to have children. But it tears me up knowing that he believes he killed her and I honestly now think he would kill himself if he didn't care about me and his family.

I don't think I'd be alive right now if I didn't have my kids. I've never cared about being alive. I remember the intense feeling of joy and strong sense of love and devotion I felt the moment my son was born made me uncomfortable and overwhelmed - I had never felt such a way in my life. So I definitely understand that part. Sometimes I think about what would happen if one of my kids died. I don't think I would ever recover.

He said that a large part of him died when his daughter died he described it as losing a body part and he even thinks having eplipsey is punishment for him causing her death.

He didn't do anything but believe a doctor and when he decided he was wrong and took her into A&E and by then it was too late.

It's quite possible that his epilepsy is worse cuz of his mental state of blaming himself. I don't think there's anything you can really do about it thou except support him like you did that day. I still blame myself for a couple pets dying & one was 5 years ago & the 2nd was like maybe two years ago. He may always have the quilt like I do over some things that were long ago. I just accepted that I'll always have the guilt & I have to or had to learn to live with it.

Maybe but his daughter died quite a long time ago in fact he didn't have seizures till 2 years after her death maybe that's why he thinks it's a punishment.

I wish I could lift or take the guilt from him cause he couldn't have done anything there's times I worry about hit mental health which is why I'm more determined to learn from my mistakes and be a better person for him.