Heaviness of heart

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Heavy feeling in my heart.
Cannot articulate it entirely when it really is bad.

When I know someone or several people perhaps are doing something to intentionally hurt me, or bully, or if I find out after the fact I was being slandered, manipulated for no good reason etc.

When it is REALlY like it just gets me, it hits me more, then I feel so sad and disappointed perhaps, that I cannot call them out on it as Im so shocked and saddened.
Cannot vocalize or verbalize it till perhaps many months or years later, if that, when it gets bad.

Feeling disappointed in people, as no matter where I turn, this goes on.

Is this the way of the world when they encounter someone that is somehow not to their liking? Why not just be straightforward. Or acknowledge one’s own weaknesses and diseased approach and try to rectify one’s own unfairness or bad feelings...instead of this

When I was young I was bullied a lot - both verbal and physically by my peer group. I know it hurts. Let me tell you a story about those early years. Perhaps you will see the humor in it.

One day when I was in the hallway of my 6th grade school, I was surrounded by a group of boys. They asked me what my nationality was. I sensed danger and said nothing. They looked at me. I was small and had large ears. They decided I was Japanese. I said nothing.

For the next three years, I was told every Japanese joke ever invented. Whenever they threw a joke my way, I maintained a stone cold face. That was a little hard to do sometimes because I wasn’t Japanese and a few of the jokes were actually a little funny. But if I showed any emotion, the jig was up.

To this day, if they are still alive, I wonder if they remember the little Japanese boy that went to their school. And I am still chuckling deep inside. That is my quirky sense of humor.

Now if I were Japanese, every one of their jokes would have been a dagger to the heart. And it also made me somewhat immune to any other criticisms they leveled in my direction. If they called me stupid, an idiot, a klutz, an imbecile; I knew deep inside I really wasn’t because I was pulling the wool right over their eyes and they didn’t even realize it. This almost made me bulletproof from psychological abuse.

Blooie, I am so sorry you are feeling the hurt of this realization. I know it well. The punch in the gut when the realization hits you, how the world turns on its axis and you have to recalibrate everything.

Hang in there. You can make it through. Lots of hugs. (((Blooie))))

That's how I've been living for some time, more or less.

We need more room for honesty in the world.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I know the feeling, i also live with it. Talking about it with my therapist helps.

I just looked up and watched most of Chris I forget his last name... Special books by special kids youtube channel... interview with a sociopath diagnosed antisocial personality disorder... anyway this guy is just like my xh and the guy im gonna be meeting and the ex lawyer. The way he was ... exactly... anyway, I knew what he was going to say before he said it, in response to all of Chis’ questions... that’s how WELL I knownsuch ppl now. So knowing its a game, knowing that their world is not as coloured by emotions and compassion as ours is... that gives me a bit of peace..
Why..bcuz even if logically they know and even intend the reaction and hurt and lowering someone for their gain...

They do not know The sympathy and empathy that comes instantly when even contemplating such behaviour...

So they do not instantly recoil as we do.. so yeah.. seeing it like gives me more peace of mind because im not depending on the other person to be like that... I am not feeling disappointed...
Since it is a neurological inadequacy, same as for me, I cant socialize well or at all...

Like I cannot get angry and disappointed at a komodo dragon for not living up to my expectations when it mauls a child, for example. Its painful for me, its angering to me that it happened, but its not like I expected the komodo dragon to be docile...
So thats what I mean.. that insight, lessens the burden on the heart quite a lot

Wow AprilR you are right about the sympathy. One thing the boy said..when Chris asked him, ‘What would you say to those you have hurt in the past?’

His response was really telling. He said, ‘I would tell them to forgive themselves.’ He talks further about it, but that sums his attiTude up.

See..he didn’t have the humility or understanding to want to be forgiven.. he thought they were at fault for trusting him. So THEY should forgive themselves and ‘not take it personally’ meaning he was not wracked with regret or guilt at remembering what he did that was wrong.


If change is to happen it has to come from them.

Possibly society..what we reward.....what we ignore. has a big responsibility overall to make things like integrity, diversity, truth, kindness, more valued.
And practiced.



Then the ppl prone to that manipulation ...
.will either see the wisdom in it, or go along with it without seeing the wisdom,
because that is what is acknowledged, practiced, praised and respected.

This guy has a great therapist, clearly, who explained things to him....as well he is more committed and has sincere intentions to understand and reduce his tendencies to manipulate and hurt ppl...

I am glad he was not so deeply mired in whatever bad he did that his sincere intentions were obscured by other distractions/desires along the way.. therapy is hard

Sorry to keep carrying on this thread.

The guy said that in trying to be like others ...or appear to be like them...it only made his bad tendencies worse...and he wd manipulate lie and get ridiculously angry.

He also has to limit social contact so he is not tempted to manipulate someone, is what he said.

Until he gets used to it and finds better outlets like studying ...I guess.

I guess its like if you enjoy having lollipops.... even though u know they are bad for you...

then next time you see lollipops in a store, you would be more prone to buying it, instead of passing it by. So its better just to not go to that store till your cravings and memory of it fade