Late-diagnosed autistic spouse

Post Reply New Topic

I hope it is ok that I post as an NT (as far as I know) spouse of an autistic man. He was assessed some weeks ago and was informed that he has HFA/Asperger's. As a result of going 50 plus years with undiagnosed autism, he really has no idea what to do with this information. He doesn't stim that either of us have noticed. He does withdraw from charged situations, and he does struggle socially and with getting/keeping jobs. However, we haven't been able to draw a line from his autism to conditions that kept him from retaining those jobs other than (sometimes) poor performance. It seems very hard to find resources for the adult (especially older, independent and late-diagnosed) autistic person. I am wondering if anyone has any tips. He's tried to find an OT that is familiar with autism and will work with adults without any success. Everything is complicated by our current lack of funds due to my middling salary stretching to support our family of 3 (we have a 5 year old son that started Kindergarten this fall which is helping). He and I both have medical issues which stretches the budget further.

I am wondering whether any other late-diagnosed older men (or anyone) has advice on figuring out what supports he may need, best books for him or me to read, how to figure out how autism is affecting him, what lifehacks may help him, how he can get help from providers, or what other sources of help for self-analysis there might be.

I feel at a loss. Normally I'd be encouraging him to engage professionals for help. But we can't seem to find any and might struggle to pay for them if we could find them (although I'm willing to try to figure that out once we find one). I don't know how to help him. I just know he needs help and doesn't seem able to sort it out himself.

I suggest you watch him and see if you can figure out stuff that causes him undue stress.

Then you can experiment with ways of dealing with those issues. I'll read stuff here and find that I also have that very same issue. But also note that someone will also say that it isn't an issue for him. I don't think there is any way to predict what issues someone will have. This isn't like Down's Syndrome in which everyone is very similar. Instead, people with autism seem to be "all over the map."

There only difference between early diagnoses and late diagnosis is that with time, Aspies tend to get better at hiding their autism. But not always.

Maybe when he seems really stressed you may want to have him talk about it, even though that is a hard thing for Aspies to do. Usually it is easier to talk to a trusted loved one than a therapist. Or talk about it later. Chances are the Aspie can remember stuff that stresses them.

NT’s are most welcome here.

Work and other situations that tend to problematic for people on the autism spectrum.

Social related situations
Jobs that require a lot of interactions with other people especially a lot of people at one time.
Jobs with a lot of meetings
A lot of “team work” required
A lot of networking required
Jobs that require a lot of understanding of others motives
Offices with a lot of office politics and gossip
Where one is required to understand others hidden meanings (ie they said maybe when what they were really saying was no way in hell, they said poor performance when they meant I don’t like you)
Related to above aspies can be direct and blunt when being diplomatic is expected

Sensory Situations
Noisy offices
Open offices
Bright lights, flickering fluorescent lights
Offices with certain smells

One might not know one is atypical sensory wise because it has always been ones normal

Multitasking is often problematic for Aspies

Aspies are often poor with eye contact which is taken by others as rude, or trying to be deceptive. It is not, eye contact is uncomfortable for many on the Autism spectrum or they are just trying to concentrate on what is being said.

Executive Dysfunction
This is a broad category of things such as planning, organizing, initiating things(you came to an autism forum, not him)


I know there there are a lot of negatives above, while there are positive traits associated with Aspergers such as hyper focus and pattern recognition we are trying to find out what stresses him, why he has trouble holding on to jobs. The above are common issues we have being atypical in a typical world.

As mentioned by others autistic people will not have every autistic trait and will have some a lot worse then others. There are workarounds and coping methods. Disabled does not mean unable to.

Some Aspies have amazingly long memories. He may be able to recall situations long after the fact. You can see this here. Some posters will repeatedly bring up stuff that happened many years ago. The recollections may be quite accurate, so there may be no need to catch issues as they occur.

If the both of you are in the same social situation this can be a useful teaching moment, to compare notes on how the two of you interpret what happened. It may be wise to do this in a timely fashion.

First off, since you are a new poster Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Aspies (or high functioning autistics) experience significantly more stress than the average person. It should almost be our middle name. Stress is cumulative in nature. It is stored in the body. Unless an individual can learn to vent stress energy properly it will increase and turn into distress (and a host of mental problems such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, bi-polar, suicidal thoughts, etc.

So in order to help an adult Aspie, one needs to show them how to vent stress energy. If they can vent stress, then their bodies will return back to a more-normal state.

I will recommend a couple books.

The first one is called "In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness" by Peter A. Levine. It is a very authoritative book about stress. It might be a little technical at times but it is a good read.

The second book is called "The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process" by David Berceli. This book teaches a technique to vent stress stored in the core brain. The technique is a very strange form of exercise but it is spot on for relieving stress energy from the core. Sometimes this form of exercise goes by the name Trauma Release Exercise (TRE). The following YouTube video will provide a short introduction.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FpBZ ... j5UrFN8qUA

You could try watching some of this person's videos - I have found them quite useful.

Thank you so much for the resources!

Something that might be complicating things for us as a couple, is that I have massive problems dealing with stress myself. My childhood was neglectful and sometimes abusive and I did not learn about emotions and how to deal with them. Add to that now I have some health issues (possibly related to the adverse childhood) and I am still struggling to get a handle on stress for myself. Which means I'm not all that well-placed to help HIM as I might be triggered at the same times that he is. I HAVE been working on these things much longer than him though.

I will definitely check out the resources kindly provided above. I found that Waking the Tiger (an earlier book by Levine) is available as an audiobook through our library so I'm on the waitlist for that. Those tend to go down better for both of us.

I'm late 40s and diagnosing. Two months ago I would have self-reported that I was near completely NT. Now I realize, I am soooooo not. Take stimming for example. I would have said I don't. Now I know that I do, All The Time. One example: during meetings, besides doodling or playing with my pen, I will tense and release leg muscles in order --- nobody can see, I didn't even know I was doing it. Then I realized I reach for my tea cup again and again (even when it's empty). I self-reported that I don't chew on my lip, but have noticed occasionally I taste blood on my lip... how did that happen? I must be chewing. Weird to get to know myself at this late date.

I got every ASD Asperger's Autism memoir I could from the library also. I read and skimmed a bunch of books on ASD. I have an ASD coach (therapist) and found an adult support group in my area. Just being able to have more grace with myself (oooohhh, that's my difficulty here, this particular thing is hard for me, ok, deep breath, patience with myself, ask for help if I need it, here I go...) has been helpful. My husband is finding this is helping him too, to set his expectations.

Example: I was making a list and freaked out yesterday and instead of him saying "you'll figure it out" (and thinking "stop complaining, it's easy" ---for him!) he offered to help, right there on the spot and WOW my stress went down much further than I ever would have thought. Which then meant I was a much better partner for him going forward.

Definitely use the diagnosis for both of you to be patient with each other and explore each other's understanding and communication...

Wishing you well!

It sounds like you both are just commencing a journey of understanding.

Do look at reddit.com/r/aspergers - I find some of the discussion there to be quite helpful.

You might find the understanding of autism-specific causes and remedies for burn out to be a highly useful line of inquiry for a mature diagnosis, especially as you mentioned an ongoing interest in work. More resource is on that is linked in my signature line.

I could say or suggest lots of things.. for right now I just really recommend you both check out Christian Stewart-Ferrer's talk on YouTube. It's quite long and a 2-parter, so try to get it on the TV if you can.

All the best!

It really helped when I had a partner who I could rely on to remember stuff like medical appointments.

I'm 54. I always knew I was a little "off" but I have a good job, married with three kids so maybe it's not a big deal if I have no real friends, find myself living in my own little world sometimes and want as little to do with the outside world as I can get away with.

This drives my extroverted wife nuts to the point that she's considering divorce. During a counseling session the counselor took my wife's description of my actions, added in that I never looked her in the eye, and suggested I may have autism. Judging from the info on Autism Speaks and looking back on my childhood, I'm pretty sure I do.

Now I wonder what my life would have been like if I had known sooner. Back in the '70s and '80s kids like me were "shy" or "awkward" and were told that we'd "come out of our shell" when we were ready.