I've never been what I would consider a gambler before. I put £10 on a poker account maybe a couple of times a year. I'm not that good so I never really win that much but I enjoy it. Recently I got a no-deposit free roll on a poker site i.e. they give you some small sum of money for free in the hope you'll stick around and spend more money. I lost most of it and thought, what the heck, and put my final dollar on a hand of blackjack. I won and won again and won again until I had $100. What did I then do? I *lost* the hundred dollars. Now, of course, I know full well that blackjack is heavily stacked in favour of the house. I know full well that what I ought to have done at that point was to keep the hundred dollars and use it on the poker tables (because they wouldn't let me withdraw yet because I started with free money). So yea, I lost a hundred dollars.
But that isn't even the worst part. I have been really depressed recently and actually quite "crazy". I also have OCD and as my signature says it's very likely I have AS. The whole thing of going through the diagnosis process is driving me crazy and I also had a couple of crappy things happen in real life. So, yesterday, in a bit of an emotional nosedive and a couple of days after the incident with the $100 I thought that I would put a little money on the site. I started off with £10. I usually strictly play poker because, while it's still no guarantee of winning, you are not playing in a game which is fixed to ensure that one specific player (the dealer) always wins i.e. in casino games the house/dealer always comes out on top, in the end, as far as the money is concerned. I played some poker but I was tilting hardcore because of the way I have been recently (you should NEVER play poker when you are depressed, upset, excited or anything like that). I did the same thing again, lost the money, and put the last little piece on blackjack. I did it again and put a bit more money on and a bit more... and a bit more... and a bit more... I had about £160 in my bank account yesterday. Now there's next to none. I have never done something like this before and I certainly will not be doing it again - I've learned a *very* painful lesson and I've also learned that I am absolutely susceptible to the gambling bug so I will NOT be giving into that kind of temptation ever again - these things are all or nothing for me, it's the only way I can stay away from something I know that I can develop a compulsion to do. I never understood before how somebody could become so consumed by gambling to the detriment and eventual loss of their homes, their kids and their marriages. I understand now though and I will be staying WELL away in future. I'm also thinking that people who have problems with compulsive or obsessive behaviours (e.g. people with AS and/or OCD) should especially really think carefully before gambling. Of course I realise that nobody should really gamble because the vast majority of people who gamble will lose in the end - and lose big if they carry on doing it.
Thankfully I am lucky enough to have a family who are able to help out financially and I didn't desperately need the money anyway ( though of course it would have been useful). I don't have children to look after or anything so the largest consequence of all of this is a severe case of damaged pride and self-anger. I've also learned a lesson which is this: Under the right (wrong?) circumstances even somebody who is *fully* aware of how stupid it is to gamble can go crazy and do something really dumb.
I've already told a couple of my family but I felt like posting here would also give a bit of catharsis and it actually seems to be working a little. I posted in this specific sub-forum because I'm not looking for support with the kid-gloves on like in the Haven (not meant in an offensive way it's a really important part of the site). My thought was that I would try to start a serious discussion about gambling and see if anybody else has had any experiences like this one... or if anyone has even had a full-blown and long-term gambling addiction with the devastating consequences that we all know can result from these things? Despite my desire for a frank conversation it would be nice if this thread could remain judgement free. I know how dumb I was and I'm sure anybody else who might post knows the same thing.
TLDR: I went crazy and for the first (and last) time ever I lost a moderate amount of money gambling and I want to see if anybody else has any experiences like this. No judging please ^^
02 Oct 2012, 7:01 pm
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