Unmasking

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A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with Asperger's at the ripe old age of 38. I've spent most of my life learning to pass as neurotypical, and gotten really quite good at it, to the point where I'm finding it hard to pick apart "this is subconscious masking, but comes with a cost" from "this is actually who I am". I'm not necessarily going to completely stop all masking, but I'd like to make more of a conscious choice about where and whether it's worth the cost.

I'm doing quite a lot of reflection, but something I would find useful in directing that reflection is observations from other autistics on things that they do to mask, or things that they have done in the past, possibly pre-diagnosis, and have now stopped doing.

Thank you.

I see this is your first post - welcome to Wrong Planet!

To answer your question, the main thing I stopped doing post-diagnosis was feeling so much anxiety and inferiority - all I had done up to that point was avoid people out of fear. I never really think about "masking", just about trying to improve how I interact with others little by little, trying to find out what works, at the same time learning to live within my limitations as far a energy level and sensory overload, and also forgive myself more for the mistakes.

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I didn't know I was HFA until a couple of years ago. It became clear I was masking, but I saw it as learning to cope with different social scenarios. I withdrew from many activities that just weren't worth the effort and caused me pain, anxiety and exhaustion.

Thank you for the welcome, and the comments.

I am increasingly feeling as though most of the ways I can make changes that will make my life easier are less to do with how I interact with other people, and more to do with where I can avoid interactions that are exhausting for seemingly little benefit.

There's a great sense of relief in realising that I'm actually allowed to never go to another party ever again.

How do you know it is successful? Maybe it is only successful in your mind.

I used to live with an NT roommate. She'd introduce me to someone, some friend of hers. They'd come over for dinner or something. I would show them pics of my art or make small talk. I would think "That went ok."

Then my snitching c**t of a roommate would bellow "My friend told me you are so weird!!"

The world changed once I completely didn't care anymore and fully accepted ASP/HFA -didn't mask any longer, etc... I talked to few people with ASD and regret so bad that I didn't surround myself with like people but you don't know what you don't know. Sure that person thought you were weird behind your back which is hurtful. But there are people out there (likely Aspie/ASD's) that will fully appreciate you as a person, your conversation and your art. Blessings to you.

I actually pushed my mask to the extreme hoping I could crush it out of my nervous system, and I had that mentality most of the way up until maybe my mid to late 20's when I realized it wasn't going anywhere and that the returns on investment were getting so low that the degree of effort I was putting in was untennable. I'll sometimes still catch a good scare and if I feel like my life, health, or livelihood are under threat I'll go full fire on trying to reshape myself just enough that I can get past the blades.

Where I'd agree with you - there is a lot of genuine sculpting, ways you've changed by way of various experiences, and those experiences have happened and they're part of who you are. I don't think there's really a way to look at the counterfactuals pristinely because life, personality, and identity have as many contingencies as they do. Also yes - it's important to know what levels of masking you absolutely have to do, figure out which ones take an unbearable amount of effort with no improvement, drop those, and try your best to sort of sculpt or mold them into looking more like common NT flaws.

As far as really 'being honest' and dropping it - I don't think that's possible, or at least not without such a diminishment of social and earning capacity that you're left not just single but barely being able to pay your bills. It's a bit like everything's weaponized in this world and there's hardly a way to get away from that.

I'm not sure if anything changed. I still "mask" out of necessity as much as I am able. I guess I would say the masking was less, but I'm probably unaware of the extent to it. I have less anxiety vocalizing my needs if I need to take a break, etc. I don't focus on the diagnosis as much as focusing on tweaks that help me in the day to day. I think the response is better as well on those smaller tweaks that help me...

I have not been diagnosed but I am pretty sure I am on the spectrum. I am still coming to terms with it. I often wonder where my mask ends and I begin. A lot of the time I feel like I'm living a lie. Like I'm a fraud in some way. It's difficult when you know your acting a certain way or doing something you don't want to just to get by and not understanding why you do it. Not even realizing other people do this and it's not that weird.

I do wish to some extent I knew about ASD when I was younger. That I would've opened up. Maybe life would be different. I don't often look backward but I still can't help but wonder.

Now I try to look at each situation with new eyes. Why am I doing this or acting this way and is it really good for me? After I weigh the situation I can adjust my behavior if needed.

I don't often wonder, I always wonder. And I feel like my life is 100% a lie, like I'm trapped behind a mask of which I have no control. I don't know who I really am anymore. It sucks and I don't know how to stop.

I fully understand this.

I often feel "If only they knew the real "Me"", but even I don't neccessarily know who the real me is as one can't work out the edges between masking and non masking if one has been doing it for so long...

In secondary school we did Drama lessons which was acting. I did not like it at all. I had a life of masking with the urge to break free. I did not want to mask on top of the masking I already did. My life feels like an act. To act on top of that with drama lessons felt soo false! I tried to avoid it and didn't try to act. It all felt so wrong... But I did not know why. I did not know anything about autism until recently.

When I last burntout in september I was "Glitching" between masking and unmasking. I have always felt naked and vunerable when I have unmasked. It is like everyone is staring at me and could collectively (In a mind melting way) go to attack me for being different at the same time. In my late teens to early 20's I would absolutely panic about this and I am still careful not to put myself in a compromising position.

I found that jobs I have been in tended to follow a "2 year cycle" as around two years was about the time I could stay masking for before cracks in the mask started to appear. I would then have to change jobs or just quit regardless of if I had an income or not. I would have to leave as if I stayed, I would go through horrible times in a mental way, as I found trait after trait being exposed in my character... People I worked with would become angry with me as they realized that my previous time there was all an act. It was like I had been decieving them. When in college and this happened, I found that the whole class turned against me all of a sudden without warning. It was as if they all recieved an "Attack Mountain Goat" message into their minds at the same time. It was 25 to 1. I had a very lucky escape as I almost jumped through a glass window from a tall building to try to avoid them as I had planed to try to land in a rather large tree below, and I stood on the desk and was about to run from desk to desk to smash my way through the window when the teacher (Lecturer) came in. If he had come in a coupke of seconds later I would have already done it as I was terrified of the situation and I HAD to flee.

I can't seem to survive without masking unless I am alone and with very close family.

Masking... Often I am on "Extreme mask alert", dometimes due to criticism where I may have been told off through someone noticing a stim, or if I have to be in a crowded area where I can't relax. I will be continually "On edge" when like this. It is absolutely exhausting and it feels like living on high alert.. As if some sort of insect has landed on me and is about to sting me and I have to feel every part of my body and skin to feel if it has landed on me as I have lost sight of it! It is that kind of feeling I get when I am "On edge".

When I first got diagnosed I was also confused as to what was added skills and what was me faking myself, what is my personality, what is my mask. It took me a while to figure out that at my age the two are so fused together as to be indistinguishable, it is just me at this point.

I think a version of depersonalization disorder is common among very late diagnosed autistic people.

when i think of unmasking , and the difficulties of living in the real world , we ,, ie. masked version and unmasked , are almost indistinguishable at most times , which actually feels more integrated as
a HFA not particularily functioning as high as i once thought . But i function and have done ok as far as NT standards might be concerned , and do not hesitate too try to remember to give myself a pat on the back as often as can allow for , when not in the midst of having to deal with masking in the immediate moment. Am trying to be concerned with immediate daily requirements of life . More as a distraction . Within the realities of responsibilities . Lost the ability to be eligible to have a caregiver,
Very probably due to my concerns , limitations regarding trust issues . This has created some extreme realizations of concepts of being alone . But necessitating.Directed efforts to cope with the requirements of masking , whilst trying to live in the world as it is . Sometimes drastic amounts of efforts are required but . At the end of the day can let myself be myself and just avoid the world to whatever degree , it allows for . Until i can sleep , and recover to some degree.

I started swearing and being abusive to family and annoying to friends in order to prove my point and express myself. Everyone hates me now. I learned that in group therapy, and coupled with being tired and lonely and my life not going according to what I had hoped, many years lost just being alone and life being not interesting anymore - I ended up lashing out at people when I was cornered and could not express my frustration any other way. It just lead to people smearing me and using my insults to shame me.

I stopped trying to get dates and have romantic or sexual experiences with women, as it was a lot of pretending to be what I thought they expected and a lot of thinking and pressure on my part, and they all were freaked out by me anyway when they discovered I was strange and immature and personally boring.

I used to feel like there were two people in my head. The MaskMe and the RealMe who hadn't seen the light of day in decades. I found this self-help book called It's not you, it's your programming by Lisa A. Romano. (She's also on YouTube.) That book helped a lot with the unmasking process. It has actual exercises, and while it does mention some semi-spiritual stuff, I found it easy enough to ignore or replace with a concept that worked for me.

Of course it wasn't the only thing. I also went to art therapy, and then I found about autism which finally made the MaskMe have some compassion for the RealMe and allow me to come out of the mental prison. "Being out" was actually really terrifying at first, but after a couple of months it became easier. It was a long and painful process, but now there's just me, the RealMe, and I feel so much better.

TL;DR
Getting to know the Real You and self-compassion are the key to unmasking, as far as my own experience goes.

thanks for the book recommendation -- I'll look into it!