Failure to become anything

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I’ve wanted to become or do different things at various points in my life but my efforts were never successful or I had the bad luck of being born in a crappy culture. I sometimes wonder why I couldn’t succeed despite having the desire. Were my desires not strong enough or did the effects Aspergers had on my brain hamper me from the beginning?

I once thought of becoming an author and even wrote a couple of short stories (never published, just posted them on my Facebook page or left in my iPhone notes on my old model) but I have suffered from writer’s block for years now and can’t even do short stories anymore. I also feel like I can’t come up with any deep or complex plots, even for short stories. I can’t even talk to others without becoming short worded very fast and I burn myself out wracking my brain for things to talk about.

I also had aspirations for becoming an animator or do drawings in some sort of field. I thought I had to wait for college to become an animator but I didn’t realize there were amateur animators out there. I also didn’t have access to or have knowledge about animation programs (except for Flash and Java but I didn’t think about getting them because I thought I had to wait until college to be able to handle them) and I never thought about becoming more tech savvy due to again the misguided belief I had to be an adult first. My drawing ability has always been poor due to having bad motor functions in my hand (I struggle with writing for the same reason), never expanding my knowledge or learning certain techniques, and constantly comparing myself to others who did better than me. I still compare myself to others today and it makes me feel defeated.

I used to visualize myself playing guitar in a band but despite trying to play the instrument since 2002, I haven’t written any of my own songs or play at the level the years should reflect on me. This really boggles my mind and makes me wonder if something is truly wrong with my brain. I just can’t excel at anything no matter how hard I try at it. Even taking lessons hasn’t bore any fruit.

I really feel like my life is a wasted existence. I have nothing to show for my almost 32 years and things don’t look like they’ll ever change.

Did I post this in the wrong section?

Many people don’t succeed until later in life.

I guess I would now be considered a late bloomer if I succeeded at anything. I just don’t want to bloom when I am almost dead. I only have 8 years left of my 30’s.

Some people start off later in life.

Cool do you like to draw?

Marknis, you're 32. That's not so bad really.

The best thing you can do is keep your job, maybe find another one if you like it. Then write. You have short stories written. Well then, publish them! Cant find a printer? Start your own, like I did (I'm using KDP imprint through Amazon, started my own imprint. I'm not telling everyone on here because I don't want to be known world wide as "that autistic guy."

You probably would thrive (at least, I would if I were you) in a purposeful environment. What's setting you apart from everyone else, is you're a purpose-driven man in a culture of people who don't seem to do a damn thing useful. Catholicism is awesome for this. Check that out. Don't like it? Go argue with the priest and try to prove him wrong. You might just do it, or you might find he's got a new side to the story. To get a little excitement you may have to run up and see what life has to offer.

As far as a relationship I know you were wanting to start that, but don't waste some poor girl's time until you're at least making headway. (And you can start making good progress the minute you tell yourself, I will! instead of, I cannot, or woe is me. Woe is to the conquered. To the victor belongs the spoils. Go for it. You will make it when you make up your mind.

I have had the same sense, but recently, I'll say that things have started....... slowly. Very slowly. However, there were several years after graduating college when I had absolutely NO sense of direction, no career goals, no goals, nothing. I'd try things and just hit wall after wall after wall. Finally, after nearly three years of this, I began to develop a vague direction with regard to my career path. That vague direction has begun to go somewhere to a degree, and recently, it has evolved into a possibly more fine-tuned direction. However, it has been a very slow process, and I doubt that things will happen overnight even now.

The only advice that I can think of is to try to eventually find something to stick with. I can say that during the years of having no direction whatsoever, I would start to do something, hit some sort of wall, and then give up thinking "there's no way I'll be able to do this, I'll never amount to anything". And it just becomes an endless loop of learned helplessness. And once you reach that state, it's very hard to see anything else. I'll say that it does seem like you have a certain level of artistic talent, and I don't necessarily think that you need to have a college education to learn how to use software programs to create art.

While this is not something I have experience with exactly, most software programs are designed to be user friendly. So, you probably would be able to figure it out. Also, you absolutely are an adult. You may feel like you aren't getting anywhere at the moment, but that doesn't make you not an adult. Using these software programs would let you draw without the motor skills thing being so much of an issue since you wouldn't have to hold a pencil. Also, it is possible to get into graphic design even if you don't have a college degree.

Though, it is more difficult but not having a degree doesn't prohibit one from going into it either. I'm not expert on this, as my path has been with copywriting/content writing, which is also a "creative" field in a sense. But in a different way.

But I think you probably could learn to use the software programs for graphic design, such as Java and Flash. These programs are designed to be user-friendly to the maximum extent possible, and I definitely don't think that one needs to have a college degree to handle them. There is a bit of a learning curve I'm sure, and it may be challenging to learn...... electronics can be incredibly frustrating and difficult to figure out. But if you really set your mind to it and ask the right people about things, you could figure out how to use the software most likely. Also, there are forums dedicated to the discussion of using Java and Flash.

Plus, I'm guessing that those companies have tech support phone numbers as well. You'd definitely be able to get plenty of help to figure out how to use the software. So, you'll be able to figure it out I think, but programming can be quite complex. And it may take you some time to teach yourself. You don't need a college degree to learn these programming languages necessarily, but it can take some time to figure out. If you decide to do this, you may have to be quite persistent and dedicated to it as this sort of thing can be a challenge to figure out (speaking from experience here, not with this specifically but simply with regard to my experiences with computer-savvy types of things in general). Still, given the resources available on the web, it would definitely be possible to figure out how to use these programs if you set your mind to it....... but it could take a while. No need for a college degree though. Lots of people learn code without any college education.

Though, this is merely one idea that came to mind. It sounds as though you have somewhat of a creative aspiration but the fine motor challenges (which I also sometimes have as well when signing my name and such) have kept you from effectively expressing it. However, I think that perhaps the graphic design software programs could offer you a way around that. Even if this or whatever you decide to try next doesn't go anywhere, rest assured that it doesn't mean that you are doomed to waste your life away. There is literally an infinite number of paths one can take, but it is not at all unusual to take a long time to find it. I cannot say that I have fully "found it" yet per say, but I do finally have a sense of direction. Which is something that you can achieve. But believe me, speaking from experience, it can take time. And lots of it.

Hi Marknis,

I can absolutely understand what you are going through. I am currently in a similar part of my life. I was/am good at drawing basic computers, and thought about pursuing music. I can't sing to save my life so that was out of the picture. I thought about playing guitar but my left-hand doesn't cooperate. I don't believe I have any motor function problems. I just and so right hand dominate that my left is rarely used. I drew from a small child through my 20's. I'm not bad at it but I'm not amazing. I thought about pursuing it as a career but when you look at the field it's disheartening to say the least. Can I live up to that standard?

Someone said something to me when I was 15. I went to a specialized art high school. Just watching some of the other kids made me feel small and incapable of ever being as good as them. A kid I didn't know was a year or two older than me caught me in a moment of weakness. I was sitting in a cafe/eating hall in a building near the school with my sketchbook open, pencil in hand just staring at another group of kids showing off their work to each other. This kid was amazing. I wouldn't be surprised if he's some big name now. He saw me. Slowly walked up and said "Never compare yourself. It's not about if everyone is happy with your work. It only matters that you are happy with your work." I looked at him almost in awe that he saw right through me. That he knew what I was thinking. He then went on to say "You know the people that really make it? The ones who have paved the way? The names everyone knows? The people everyone wants to be? They were just being themselves and did it for themselves." He walked away afterward and I never saw him again. I can't even remember his face but his words really hit a nerve. In that one moment in time when I was the most vulnerable some random person came up to me of all people and said exactly what I needed to hear. Ever since then I draw for myself. I didn't seek to get into the art field. Mainly because I didn't want anyone to taint the joy that art gave me. It's the one thing no one can take away from me. I always look back at that moment when I'm doing something and ask myself who am I doing this for?

I haven't found a way to turn it into a career but that no longer matters to me. Put it out there. There's always someone who will enjoy it even if you think it's mediocre. I know that doesn't help with finding a career but you are more than just your career. Ask yourself are you happy when you something? not Is everyone else happy with what I'm doing? I hope that gives you something to think about.

I read this book of poems just today.

One line that stuck out to me: "Forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become."

Are you willing to share any of your work? Hopefully some interest from others will help revive your interest.

Any time (in life) is a good time to bloom. Your future is ready to begin tomorrow. Godspeed.

I can totally relate to this. I often feel like I have failed somehow and haven't achieved anything with my life. And I have a few years on you, so that makes it even more scary in my situation. All of the jobs that I have worked in my life have been what most people would consider to be "underemployed" for someone with a bachelor's degree such as myself, and none of them are things that I saw myself as wanting to do before I finished school. I think that most people who knew me from elementary school to high school would be extremely shocked to learn that I currently deliver food for a living.

I think that Asperger's can have a negative impact on one's chances for traditional ideas of success. This is unfortunate, because so many of us are very talented and have so much we could share with the world. You definitely sound like one of those people to me.

Just like you, I have wanted to be a lot of different things during my life. Writing was once a big interest of mine, and pretty much still is, even though I haven't written seriously in a long time. I have also written some short stories and started a couple of novels. I submitted one of those short stories to Highlights magazine. They kept it for over a couple of months, so I was pretty hopeful, but of course it was eventually returned. Still though, I thought that even the act of submitting it to a major magazine like that was a huge step for me and not something I ever thought I would actually do.

Have you thought about maybe trying to get your stories published? Even little steps like that can be huge! The traditional publishing route is still appealing to many, but like someone else said, there is also self-publishing at places like Amazon. I have published a book on Amazon. Now, it definitely hasn't made me rich, but it has sold multiple copies almost every month since I published it. And that book is in a very niche subject. I've heard that things like fiction often do a lot better!

I too feel like I'm not as creative as I used to be when it comes to writing, but I know there are a lot of things that writers do to inspire themselves. For some people, the right inspiration is all that it takes.

There is still plenty of time for both of us to do something meaningful with our lives! I have heard lots of stories of creative folks who found success in their 30s, 40s, and well beyond. So don't give up!

I consider myself extremely lucky. I found myself in a career that really lends itself to those on the spectrum -- mostly working alone, heavy on structure and rigidity.

I now understand why I have resisted looking for another job in spite of its relatively low pay -- it's so perfect for my brain and how it works that I'd be taking a huge risk by quitting to do something else.