His friends are too vulgar to me

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I'm 36 and in a relationship with this guy of 41. We've been in a LAT-relation for 2 years now. He knows I'm ADD, he's a bit of that himself, and although I cope with anxiety due to youth problems, we really enjoy each other's company. Together, the two of us, really share common interests, have the same way of speaking, boundaries - he is decent and so am I, he's just a little more adventurous whereas I'm careful, but that works just great. We usually have lots of fun together. I added this to show some background in why I like him so much despite what's coming.

I'm a geek and have mostly been around guys since I was 16. I know how they behave and misbehave - and as girl with some cleavage, I have learnt the hard way that keeping the conversation nice, is not drawing attention - not being a slut - be smart, be decent, and don't tease. I don't feel any urge to tease so that's fine for me. If guys think I tease them, or try to lure me into doing things, I cut them off.

(if I'm interested in a guy, I'll wait my moment and let them know privately. Worked many times).

My guy has a few best friends, like I do, and we don't visit them so often. When I met my guy, I was quickly introduced to two of them, the couple 'Mia and Bob' (not their real names). Mia is 32 and Bob is about 40 I guess, a nice decent couple, two kids. So we get invited a few times, and Mia tells me with a grin, that she and my guy have the habit of 'talking dirty to each other' just because - my guy is bi and dated a guy in the past - so he's still kind of their 'cuddly gay friend'. I say okay, never notice anything about it. After introduction, Mia never really talks to me, but Bob contacts me with a kind of 'warm messages' which soon go near 'undress messages'. I ask him to stop immediately, I feel akward. He says okay, and stops. I tell my guy, and he says Bob is just like that - but he will keep notice of 'my wishes'. I feel a little prudish there, but hey, no guy should do that to their best friend's girl right?

Few weeks later, Bob tries it once again. I feel alarmed and once again tell him to keep his apps and messages to himself, I'm not pleased by it. He backs off, huffing to my guy, and it all is okay.

Over the month, we visit them few times, they visit us once. At their parties, I get dropped with the girls (for I am one), and am bored to death with toddlers and kids and all. I don't want nor like kids, so I try to sit with the guys. They start making 'hot talk' soon again, towards me, so I sigh and walk off again. I have walked away from their parties a few times now. My guy knows about my annoyance, but says if I want to sit with guys, I have to tolerate their way of talking. I've now stopped coming along to their birthdays. Best place I can sit is with their parents or grandparents, who are at least quiet and decent (mind you, these friends themselves are 30-40).

When at my guy's house, a birthday party, they are decent, and talk with all folks, though Mia ignores me. That's the best, because I have no interest in sharing anything with her - never felt to.

Part of the friend group is also Jim, who's been a bachelor for some time. Quite a nice and understanding guy - tags along with the 'dirty guys talk' but not too much. And speaks genuinely interested and nice to me in private chats. I do like him. Hasn't talked dirty to me since the first chat, I think.

Now these last weeks we've been doing pub quizzes on Saturdays, via video call. Since I would be at my guy's place one Saturday, he asked me to join in. But their team was named 'bro's before hoe's' and then Bob said I was a hoe, which totally didn't land well with me. Jim changed the group name to something funny, and we all moved on. But every time we videochat, dirty requests pop up. 'Woah that cleavage' 'hey dance a round for the cam will you' 'oooh are those titties or do you have mountains there' . First, I didn't respond, but every week the boys would say those things again. So I had a good talk with my guy, and he has asked them not to do it. But also me - to relax - they mean it well, I should take it as a compliment - they would love to have a girl like me! He is proud when they say such things to me. I feel pressured, prudish. It gets even harder when Mia, who's not a regular in the videochat, walks in on Bob, and wiggles her ass or boobs in front of the camera. My guy enjoys that (I found it innocent until recently) and Jim enjoys it, too. She usually pops in and out and we go on with the quizz. That's Mia.

Six weeks ago, Jim had a date: Emily. That date lasted a few weeks, and she joined our video chat quizzes. She's smart, nice, and although she dressed a bit sexier than I do, she's just comfortable on the couch, and not defying the guys in any way (why would she, she's new to the group, and everyone is taken).

Fast forward 2 weeks ago: Emily did not join. Word's out that she was no longer dating Jim (but sending whining messages while we were quizzing). Jim was sad but she had left him, what could he do.

Last week: Emmily was back in the videochat. My guy and I were surprised. He told be (and he had known before) that it was not Jim she was there for... she had become friends with Mia. Okay, I thought, that happens. While Mia is not in the quizz chat herself, I can grasp that. It was a bit akward for Jim though, but she was nice, no bad word was said.

Then, halfway the quizz, Mia drops in. We see her on Bob's camera. She wears something really, really slu*ty, something like fishnets for boobs. Something I'd never wear. And don't get me wrong: I do wear sexy and nice dresses, but not in certain occasions. She wiggles in, Bob enjoys it, my guy and I think she's going to bed in that outfit. Then she wiggles some more. Emily gets bright red in the face and enjoys it certainly.
Jim starts to panic and frustrate, and privately spills the details with me: Mia and Emily decided they liked each other more than friends, so they are dating now (alongside Mia and Bob's relationship!) and he is getting furious. He says 'if I had only introduced her to them three weeks later - I couldn't bother - but now, they like stole her away from me.' Jim and I chat a little more, I comfort him being the friend I am, and he tells me over and over it's so awkward, to him, to all of us. He's frustrated all night, as Mia wiggles in a second time.

This second time, my guy is staring like crazy, too. I find it getting frustrating as well, so I app him (we're living apart) that he is *staring* and that it is *embarrassing*.... he doesn't respond... and that I slightly get jealous (I sense that, I could at first not put it into words)... then suddenly he reponds, shocked, and turns away. I tell him to call him afterwards, and leave the videochat just after the end of the quizz.

A bit confused, I call him afterwards. I first want to know how he could be staring like that, so gross. He tells me that was indeed awkward, 'because porn videos normally don't know if you're staring, and she was'. I am baffled! 'The embarrassing part was that I had to watch you stare at her! That hurt! Can't you imagine?' 'No, he couldn't' was his plain cold direct answer. I was so, so confused. But he told be there was nothing to fear, and he was happy I was his girlfriend. Okay..? He's a blunt guy, I tell you.

My guy tells me she's just like this, and I remind him of the words she said early on 'that he and she would exchange dirty talk' which is two years ago, but still. He explains to me that he hasn't had dirty talk with her since we got into a relationship, he only exchanges serious messages with her, and they talk alot about the problems she experiences finding out she's bi - and because he's too, he helps her with it. I draw the line that helping her is good, but sex chat is way off limits, and if he will continue that during our relationship, I consider it cheating right on the spot. He says he can understand that.

The next morning I wake up and know clearly what bothers me (and has troubled my sleep overnight). The idea that Bob easily shares his partner with someone else. What are my chances of losing my guy to them? What if Mia likes a threesome my guy is 'her special friend'? I worry a lot, and since I tend to call good friends who advice me 'go ask him that directly, don't speculate' - I call him when he's up. I ask him what the risks are of him getting involved in their playful situation. He calms me, agrees that in the past, like I reminded him, he and his male partner would have 'adventures' with girls, as he calls it, but says 'I know you don't like that, so with you, I don't do that'. That calms me at first, but then anxiety strikes again. What is 'with me'? What does he consider 'without me'? When I'm not there?

See my guy is really blunt in following rules in away he exactly complies to them, but doesn't leave room for social etiquette. If I tell him not to put the butter jar on top of the fridge, he will get a box, place that on top of the fridge, and place the butter jar on top of it. So he has complied... but even worse than you'd wish. And he is smiling. I never had this fear in former boyfriends. They wouldn't even go that far. But this one is just... defying every rule we, or anyone makes. And getting away with it, because, as he likes to point out, 'strictly he wasn't wrong'.

In the same manner, I always fear he interprets rules I ask for in a wrong way.

That same morning, I have messaged Mia 'just some advice, that her appearance was pretty awkward to some of us - to Jim, who was too nice to say a thing, and to my guy as well. Do with it what you want'. Haven't checked for response. I heard she went into rage in their group app, and has today left the separate group app that I shared with her and those friends. I have decided I do not want to speak to her - such a slu*ty, unguided girl - anymore, so I'm okay with that. I am 36, I am in the position where I do not have to keep friends which don't fit the person I am. I have enough friends that respect me and don't embarrass me whenever we speak.
Later in the day, Jim messages me that 'thanks for sticking up for me, but that was private, and Mia & Bob shouldn't have known I was so frustrated'. I say sorry, but think 'it's better that they know, and you should've said them yourself'. Rest of the day I think of what a strange friend group this is.



Now that's one part.

But the other part is the future ahead.

See people have friends, and I like it that my guy has friends to talk to, to hang out with. I have two best friends, both males, and would never ditch them if my guy asked me to. I need those men to talk and cry to sometimes. Any my guy never has to worry I'd ever walk off with them, never!

So in the same way, I do trust my guy. Yeah that's still part one.

Part two is that friends come to visit some times. Now these Mia and Bob, they don't come around so often. As far as I know. And as we see Mia and Bob, they generally act okay - up till a certain point. It is always a slu*ty insinuation, or a 'compliment' that should not come from your partner's best friend.

So now I definitely worry about the future. I won't come along to dinners at their place - hell no that I am going to sit in on whatever they think is normal! And wait for the first slu*ty hot challenge to be thrown at me, and tell myself if it's only one more, I'll leave... ... I hate walking out on things. But I do not want to see them anymore. They make me feel heavily uncomfortable and I do not put up with people like that in the first place.
Since they know, and I and my guy have told them many a times, they should stick to it and respect my wishes to be treated decently. Yet this has gone wrong so many weeks now, I do not wish to wait for one more.

So - birthdays ahead, parties, celebrations - I just do not want that couple ruining my nights I want to celebrate with my guy. My anxiety goes over the roof when I think of the future. I like to plan things out, prepare everything, but this gets me so nervous. I even thought of breaking up with my guy, because if these are his friends, and he's okay with their standards like this, we'll never get along. It's really a sad thought, but I feel a loser from the start. My guy has said me a time or two that he really hopes he never has to choose between me and his best friends. How........

He accepts 'their adventures' and supports them, even if it hurts Jim - and he has had such adventures himself in the past, 'but with me he won't do that'. Man! Am I keeping him encaged? These days I often feel like he so badly wants a girlfriend, he sticks with me even if that goes against his taste for sexual adventures, threesomes, dunno. Fact that he's still with me tells me that it is his choice to have it so, but it makes me so confused and so anxious!

And then the friend situation. What should I do on the long run?
'Talk to them' well I did! But they keep doing it! And they by now find me a prudish stuck up b*tch for sure!
'Talk to your guy' did too! He calms me and doesn't want to make a problem of it. But future is coming, and events together are coming, and...

I'm slowly doing what I always do. Fret, and back out of it ... all...
(which means, breaking up, I'm better off alone, than with anxiety).

What would you do?

Your boyfriend isn't showing any respect for you. As much as you like him, I don't think you'll be happy if you stay together.

I wouldn’t want to hang out with Bob and Mia. Not my kind of folks.

You don’t have to be friends with them if you don’t want to be friends with them. They must know, from you, that you don’t live that lifestyle.

Your boyfriend can be friends with them. You can’t stop the friendship. But your boyfriend must respect your wishes when it comes to his friends.

I grew up with brothers and have often felt more comfortable around guys than women. I'm rather tom-boy-ish and far less into nail polish and fashion, etc. or whatever it is that often draws women together.

That said, I personally couldn't tolerate the stuff these guys are doing. It strikes me as sexist and immature. I think your discomfort with it is a completely reasonable response! I'm not sure if you boyfriend is truly okay with it, but if he is, I think you have a culture mis-match going on. If the two of you can make peace with that difference (i.e. you don't have to hang out with them and he still makes time for you), that's great! However, as I think you know, expecting him to give them up for you if he doesn't want to (or him expecting you to join in when you don't want to) isn't realistic or fair to either one of you.

I thank you for the replies - I'd say they match with what I had in mind (in that very, very long post) and that calms me.

Reason I threw this all in one topic is because I was so unsure about me being strange or them being strange.

My boyfriend - respect - pffew. That's a difficult story. He certainly does respect me. In a lot. He also says he does not always understand me - or girls in general. Can't blame him really, he lived with a guy for years. And now he has me, and I can have a hard time expressing my feelings. I can look and come across very frustrated, but have no words for my feelings. This has improved over the last months.

But he, is sometimes quite respectless, and he doesn't notice it. I've tried to show him this in daily life, by pointing it out to him. The simple and blunt answer is often, that he just had no thought he was doing, or not doing something. I have once had a boyfriend like that, and back then I found that boy rude. So I can understand Deanne saying that a relationship with a guy that is like that, can only end unhappy. I read you. I've had my doubts, yes. My guy is blunt and clumsy, but he means well. He does the same to his parents, I've noticed. But, he's smart, so I hope I can learn him to show more respect on that part.

More directly: he shows a lot of behavior that I showed myself before I became aware that I had ADD. I don't know if he's on the spectrum, but I'm far enough that I can teach him a couple of things.


Meanwhile, I've spoken to a good friend (one of the fairy godmothers I have) and she agreed that this couple is not worth befriending. I can ask my guy to not invite us together at his place, or expect me to visit them together. As a compromise, of course he can invite them to his birthday, and I will be there, too. It was difficult accepting this option from my godmother, but she had a solution. I dove into the depth of my panicky mind and put to words that I would feel trapped, would feel going against my will, in having to talk with them. She explained me that you can have 'nonsense' conversations with people. Like people at a bus stop, people in line at the supermarket - unknown people that you don't like: that category.
Hard for me to put my guy's friends in the category 'unfamiliar people that I don't like' but I tried. And then? You talk nonsense to them. You stop the conversation, you keep nodding until they shut up, you excuse yourself and go water the plants. You hook them up with someone else at the party, or say 'that's not my topic' and go talk to somebody else yourself. Just anything, but not strike up an interesting conversation and feel bad about it afterwards. No friends is no friends. Still do not know how that's going to turn out, but we'll see.


My guy has kept me far away from the whole avalanche that followed from last weekend. See: that's where he is very respectful. From Jim, I heard that Mia had kind of a tantrum about my words. But from my guy, no word. He's been sweeter to me than ever. Last night I told him my perspective on it, that I will not befriend, or see Mia and Bob again. But, that I'm totally okay with other friends he has (I named a few, that I know). He seemed content with that. His only response was that after my message, Bob called quits on the saturday night quizzes, because 'it had become too much of a hassle'. I couldn't help but say that 'the name bros before hoes' served well, because they were bros, but when the 'hoes' came in, it turned awry - just what the name says . My guy didn't respond to that, but since he hasn't shared anything of the whole ruckus with me, I guess he agrees with me.

I'm happy I could share my experience here and that I'm supported in the thought that this is weird and I do not have to continue it. thanks.

I agree with kraftie's post & the way you decided to try & handle things is kinda what I would of suggested. Mia & Bob are weird & i get how they're behavior would make some uncomfortable. It's good you decided to set boundaries & try to avoid them when you can. It's OK for your guy to have his friends & for you to not be part of that. It's pretty common for guys in serious relationships to do guy activities so they can hang out with their buds without their girls around. It seemed to me like you didn't care for the parties & other big social gatherings even if it weren't for Mia & Bob which would be no surprise sense your on the spectrum. You could tell your guy that your not going to go to them nearly as often now but he can go on his own. He should understand if you explain to him what you've said in your post about the gatherings.

I completely understand your dilemma. I would feel insecure in that situation. I too would be anxious and fret over a million different variables. I also would not want to be around those friends if they talked like that to me!

He has committed to love and be with only you. If you trust in him, you have to trust that, unless he does something to break that trust.

His friends and past are all a part of him. Do not worry about him giving up adventure for you, you are enough. You creating boundaries is awesome.

One thing I would recommend. If you do go to these events or have to see these people, you already have strategies to get through it. Use those strategies. Bypass their drama completely and don't give them any emotion. They love that. Don't go to the guys at all! Talk to your one nice guy friend. Go to the girls and space out. Sit with the parents. The first couple of times may be awkward, so don't give up. If someone says something insulting, you can get up and go to the bathroom. Don't even give them body language. Also always have a time limit. I can only stay a little while, I have..... A little while could be an hour or 4 hours. This way if you really can't take it, you can leave without any drama. Your boyfriend will know why you left. But it does not give those drama queens and fodder.

You both sound awesome! I wish you happiness.