Husband has Aspergers. I need help.

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My husband, and his mother, have Aspergers. I'm in a situation where I feel at a complete loss as to what I should do.

This morning we had a huge fight and now he is threatening divorce. I have tried to talk to him but he's being cold towards me and won't respond. He's been having a lot of outburst recently which are always directed towards me. I don't know how to calm him down. Its tearing me apart because every time he gets mad he says we need to divorce. We have a young child together. Our child is scared because he witnesses all of this. What can I do? I need someone to talk to because I just don't know what my husband needs from me.

He probably needs some de-stress time. Sometimes internal stresses can build up to levels that one can't cope with and it can come out in an explosive way towards everyone and everything.
If one struggles to put feelings into words then extremes can come out.
Times like these the Victorians would have sent people to a relaxing cottage by the sea to de-stress and recharge which is a good plan, but if thinking along these lines, be aware that the stress in planning such an event can be more then one can cope with.
But to me it seems like he is not coping and needs some de-stress time which may take a while, but once recharged he will be able to cope with life again.

I hope that helps?

Thank you for your response. When he threatens divorce like this is rips me apart. We have a young child together. I never know if he is serious or not. I don't know if I should run to a divorce lawyer to protect myself or wait and see if he calms down and wasn't serious. This has happened so many times. This time it was really bad though. I had to leave the house with our child because he wouldn't stop screaming at 6 am. Then he tells me that he's done with me and that he's going to a lawyer today. He left for work and now will not respond to my calls or text. I want to know whats going on but he won't talk to me now. All I can do is wait for him to come home tonight and then I'm sure he will start the fight all over again. I don't know how to act around him when he's like this. There is nothing I can say to make it better. Its like he hates me when he's like this. He directs all of his anger and stress directly on me. He thinks I am the sole cause of everything crappy in his life no matter what I do. After a few days he usually starts acting normal again. I just don't know what to do. The uncertainty of the situation is what is bothering me the most. I want a resolution and he wants to control everything by only talking to me when he wants to.

Does he have a therapist? Have you considered marriage counselling? I have aspergers, but I'm not prone to loud outbursts. The opposite for me is true -- I withdraw into myself and say very little.

Is a difficult situation. You are in my prayers. I am hoping some of the women in here can help by giving advice. I really, really want things to work out between you all.

Is there a way you can all take a break and go for a calming holiday. Something near the sea and refreshing? This is something which would work for me but obviously everyone is different and has different circumstances, and to be honest, I have day trips because we can't afford a proper holiday.

It may or may not help. I don't know. But if it is decided, try to make sure the preperation is not stressful in itself.

Is a situation where trying something to de-stress may be better then not trying, but it depends if he wants to as he may not cope or see the sense in the idea.

I know these are my thoughts which may or may not help and if others on this site have different ideas on what to do it will help.

My gut feeling is that if things don't work between you two and things get bad, then try to have a break from each other rather then a divorce so you can both destress and get back together. I really hope everything works well.

Never retaliate by mentioning divorce in anger or frustration if you can help it as it will part the two of you rather then try to solve things.

I hope someone can help with advice as I know I have no experience about marriage as I have never been married.

I hate to be the guy but what started the fight? What did you say or what did you do?

For normal individuals such as yourself: you have turn on the Detective mode and figure what led to his explosion and then try to reason with him. There are certain stress points that can tip over the person with a spectrum, at least with me as an example.

Depending on the age of the child; does he have sensitivity to screams and cries, I can not stand dogs barking or doors slamming and I tend to be act instantly violent towards the object. Like I punch the door because it kept slamming close on me and it is not closing properly to the latch that keeps locking off for the door to stay close.

Is he OCD to a point he can not stand a specific stain in the toilet bowl or your habits affect him. Does he tend to bottle small things and is not open to being commutative and expressing sensitive topics.

How Autistic is he? is it mild or extreme? It is best as the last person stated that you should consult a therapist for the right kind of help but does not involve excessive medication.

How is the work for him, is it too stressful to be around people all the time? The book that I used is by Dr Luke Beardon, it taught me to assess my stressors and ways around it but I also get help from my sister. It can be as simple as creating open diary and express what thoughts and anxiety is causing it. If it is too much for the child welbeing and his own welbeing then it is best to probably live seperately rather than divorcing and the very last thing is situation to end with domestic abuse. He has to be willing to understand and make changes for his and your child because it will affect the child in a bad way.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Asperger-Syndrome-Adults-Beardon-ebook/dp/B06Y6HR7HW/ref=sr_1_2?crid=35BN4GAI6XH46&dchild=1&keywords=autism+books+for+adults&qid=1600867115&sprefix=autism+book+ad%2Caps%2C144&sr=8-2

Of course, everything posted in this thread so far is based solely on the OP's own claims, and not her husband's.  My question is this: Have the OP's husband and MIL been officially diagnosed, or is their alleged "diagnosis" only the OP's opinion?

I don't think Aspergers is a threat to a marriage. It just isn't, so long as there is 100 percent honesty. I don't let things wait to be discussed. I certainly don't bottle things up. Maybe that's part of my autism and maybe not. I also don't ask WHY people do things. So many marriages start falling apart because the spouses by asking WHY about things.
I don't choose to say why, or give a damn about WHY, I feel how I feel and its tough ****.
It also works back towards me from my wife. She feels how she feels and I can joke, accept, and move on.
The worst thing in any relationship is trying to change each other, rather than simply grow up together, and never stop that progress of intertwining growth as you get married, have kids, work on a career, develop, grow old (one hopes), and come to completely trust and rely on your spouse's support.
People don't change their core values. Sometimes they just need reminding of them, or you never knew all the shades of light and dark in your partner.
Plus everyone is human, everyone gets to make one huge mistake in life and that then hopefully protects them from making similar or associated mistakes again. The big gamble at that point is whether a partner can support with that and move forward. I don't mean any particular kind of mistake, I'm just saying I think autistic people like myself really sometimes have - when we are younger - I'm 41 - unrealistic expectations of the world and attribute good and kind motives too often.
But I'm rambling.

I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible.
First, yes he has been diagnosed and so has his mother. They are very similar in almost every way except his mom has learned to cope with Aspergers much better. She and I get along very well. I usually go to her if things get really bad between my husband and I. She does help me as much as she can but tries to keep a distance so that she doesn't interfere. I am very thankful for her.

You might laugh but the fight this morning was caused by my cat. When my husband is in a good mood he loves my cat. When he's stressed or not coping well, he hates her. Its been an ongoing thing for several years. And fyi, I had my cat before he and I were ever together. This morning my cat knocked over a glass of water that our child left on the side table. When my husband got up he stepped in it and then flipped out. He charged into the bedroom screaming at me. I jumped out of bed and ran to clean up the mess. His screaming also woke up our son. I cleaned it up as fast as possible because of how mad he was but it didn't calm him down. He kept yelling at me, saying I had to get rid of her. I told him that it was just water, its cleaned up and lets just forget about it. He then picked up my cat harshly and threw her outside. He said that I could never have her in the house again. Of course, by then I was getting really upset because I know he's overreacting and there is nothing I can do. He then screamed at me and said that I had to choose my cat or him. Our son was getting scared and I felt like I needed to leave. The screaming was so loud it shook the house. Our son looked terrified. So in my pj's, I took our son the park at 6am. I just wanted to leave the situation because I didn't know what else he might do/say next. He then texted me that he was calling the cops because I took our soon. I told him I'd be back home once he left for work. Our son has school and he can't have a good day if he see's his Dad acting like this, saying mean things to me and threatening divorce. He told me he was leaving but was there when I got home. He came up to my car, opened the door and said "i'm filing for divorce". He then left and has not spoken to me since then. I texted him and told him we could keep the cat out for a while if that is what he wanted. I tried to give in because I didn't know what else to do. So far, he won't talk to me.

And no, I have never posted on here before. I just need to know, from those with Aspergers or in a similar situation, what I need to do. I have no else to talk to except his Mom and she, of course, will usually listen to me but she sides with him behind my back sometimes. I know she doesn't want us to get divorced. Her advice was to let him calm down. But, for how long? How long do I wait before I just leave because his behavior is out of control? I've suggested counseling, he won't respond. I'm scared because I don't know what to expect when he comes home.

If you are scared then leave. That's the sensible and responsible thing to do.
Raise your child in a healthy environment.Why would you stay if you are scared?

I've been on the receiving end of just this type of behaviour. It's abusive. No two ways about it. It's irrational and harmful. If your husband is overly stressed, he needs to recognise teh effect it's having on his own behaviour, and the harm it's doing to you all as a family unit. When irrational anger comes at you like this, when it goes from 0-100 it's incredibly damaging for the person on the receiving end of it, and your child of course.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Giving a warning to him that if this happens again, you will have no choice but to leave, as he is damaging both you and your child, is fair. He needs to seek one on one help himself in order to get a grip on this as obviously he's sinking in whatever reality he is living in. It could be that your husband has unresolved past issues of abuse or a difficullt past in other ways that has damaged his coping skills.

You will wind up with anxiety issues and poor health, as will your child, if this continues. You all deserve better. Hugs.