feel like i'm dying

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Lately, bowel movements have been feeling like (1) childbirth (2) heart attack (3) death. (Not that I have done any of them before.) (fine).

eight billion people in the solar system. 41 middle aged, not young or old. Plenty of people dropped dead much younger than 41. Plenty of people dropped dead much older than 41. Quality versus quantity. Almost everyone tells me that I look much younger than I am. Chinese people look younger than they are. Also, plenty of Chinese men are short and skinny with a high pitched voice and no facial hair. As a result, when I got a buzzcut and put on boys' clothes, I looked like a Chinese man.

41, nothing accomplished. When I was 12, wanted to get married, have kids, STEM degree/job, Boston marathon. "Life" appeared full of prospects and possibilities, but things not always the way they appear, s**t. Always been single. Hard time finding "friends", and even when I did, when (they correctly or wrongly) thought that I made a bad or wrong statement or action, they acted like I invented the world's worst felony, and they had never done jack s**t wrong before in their stupidass lives and "the meaning of 'life' is 'helping people'!". Academic dismissal (UCSD, structural engineering, Solid Mechanics II). Accounting AA & Cognitive Science BA. Worked and got made redundant from a random string of minimum wage, menial labor, unskilled labor, "any old monkey", dumpster fire "jobs", none of which required a Bachelors, Associates degree, or even a high school diploma. s**t. Didn't get published. I am so f*****g ashamed of myself. Not good @ anything. Too physically weak for manual labor, socially awkward, emotionally fragile. s**t. Even extroverted convicted felons (and my current company hires convicted felons), have more occupational prospects than my worthless corpse, s**t. As of October 8, that will have been my fourth year work anniversary. That's by far, the longest I have ever held a job. Second longest, Tuesday Morning, cashier, five months, age 18. Been applying for jobs for a longfuck time. Nobody will make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse s**t.

decomposing and rotting in my casket already s**t

I am sorry you are in this situation.

Autistic people tend to be better at concentrating on one thing at a time rather then multitasking. We also often have troubles prioritizing.

From the post I think the first issue you need to tackle is the painful bowel movements. That is a medical issue that requires seeing a doctor. If that is put under control or cured feeling better wlll make tackling other issues less difficult.