19 Aug 2024, 8:29 pm
Well, hello, Wrong Planet. I'm new to the site, but not to the concept of feeling like I'm from another planet. I have felt that way for as long as I could remember.
Here's the trajectory up through the current period:
-was diagnosed with autism at 18 months in 1994. Diagnosis was kept from me until I was 17, when I figured it out for myself
-was on par with peers up through age 10 to 12 or so
-effectively reached OO/LAD, whichever you prefer, at about 16 yo
-learned to mask from TV, without even realizing I was doing it. Got better and better at it until it became second nature
-Damage was already done. Had not learned how to communicate with peers, generally rejected the need for socialization unless I felt a kinship (still do), no love life of any kind
There are some distinct challenges that are known almost exclusively by me and my family:
-Still reject groups, organizations, companies or entities that are best suited to neurotypicals (i.e. almost all groups, organizations, companies and entities). Mostly keep to myself with the exception of other musicians
-Some of the noted traits and side effects remain: repeated behaviors (clothes, diet), facial expressions, temperature insensitivity, effortless and detailed memorization of just about anything, general rejection of small talk, from a random conversation 25 years ago detailed word for word, to three musical notes at an unknown timestamp on a recording I haven't listened to in 15 years
-My aversion to any kind of conformity is known as a key character trait. Though some might consider it independent or aversion to authority, very few understand the root of this disposition
-I wear the same clothes year round (t-shirt and hoodie) because I do not have any sensitivity to temperatures between 40-75*F. I also wear a hoodie because I have terrible muscle tone, general body shame and an aversion to touch. It is the preferred look in most situations, but it is also my protection from people
-I relate to very few people. Very few people relate to me. Even though I am not recognized publicly or privately as neurodivergent/ASD, there are notable issues with communication which are undoubtedly rooted in my youth. I prefer to communicate directly, although sometimes I ask questions rather than reveal anything about myself. Miscommunications will often be rooted in an expectation I did not get when I missed every developmental milestone and almost all social interactions. Even if I had the information that would be needed in the interaction, it is unlikely that I would care, or use it as the basis of anything. Because my opinions, self image, work ethic, and introspection developed without consistent social interaction, my subconscious has been developed without the considerations that would follow a neurotypical development.
(The lack of social instinct that is perhaps one of the most well known traits of ASD is not a direct hindrance anymore, but something else has emerged in its place: the ability to perceive social instinct. Without even considering the option to mask, I am able to view the actions of others as "mask-like," as if they were masking. Usually, I regard actions that are overly social in their intent as lacking fundamental personal conviction and as a way of deferring to social pressure. Of course, sometimes, the intent is to blend into joyous gatherings, participate in formal functions without issue, or any number of interactions that do not necessarily serve a greater purpose, or as a reflection of personal independence. Thankfully, I can identify those moments as well; usually I let those moments pass without saying much. It was the intentionality of identifying my own social instinct that gave way to a greater awareness of the actions of others, which I would say has become a blessing, and also like an instinct that feels sociopathic. The option to regard the social instincts of others as optional feels like an abstraction of nature. I realize that most people likely do not know another way than the social interactions they learned in youth, that they are just as reliant on their learned social skills as I am on compensating for my general deficits in that area. I won't fault them for it anymore than I would want them to fault me for the way I have adapted to them.....but the conscious awareness in that area has become almost terrifying. It's like being able to read minds from people's language. I can't even tell anyone that I do that, or they'll look at me like I'm a sociopath, an android, or both. No surprise that growing up, I identified strongly with Lieutenant Data from Star Trek, right? 
)
-For most of these reasons, I drive for Uber. It allows me to have some defined, short term social interactions I would otherwise lack while also having time to myself to listen to music, podcasts, etc.
For many reasons, I consider myself fortunate. I am verbal. I live independently. I have a career (musician) and a job. I pay rent, and will be looking to get a different apartment in the early part of next year. I drive and have a car. Though I am racked with survivor's guilt, I have, for the most part, learned to navigate adult life. It is beyond a blessing for someone in my position.
My father, who I am 99.999999999% certain is high functioning, ruined every relationship he has had thus far in his 72 years, including his marriage and those with his children. I was unable to learn much from him other than his means of compensation for the ways others perceived him. Pretty much everything else was bile, vitriol, racism, sociopathic tendencies, lies, misplaced bits and pieces from his photographic memory, and direct conflict. Imagine Tony Soprano with a computer brain and a pinch of Donald Trump. Haven't seen him since 2016 for all of the above reasons.
My mom moved to Florida four years ago to take care of her mother, so I'm pretty much alone in New Jersey in terms of a support system. Obviously, with the way I needed my mom in my development, it is very hard to be apart from her for months at a time. She has spoken openly about needing to prioritize me over my brother because of the diagnosis. The fallout caused by it, as well as the resulting pressures and imbalances, have scarred all three of us. One thing I'm fairly certain I can attribute to the diagnosis was the normalization of adverse circumstances and trauma, to the point where a lot of the most intense feelings about my childhood have only really come to the surface in the last 10 years. Stress, bad habits and ego were far too prominent for me to have a strong foundation or maintain good lifestyle choices until very recently. The internal damage has been difficult to reconcile with the stated goals of someone who is perceived to be neurotypical.
Simply put, I have a secret life that occasionally makes sense in the context of society. If there are any unfamiliar traits for anyone to witness, they are largely overlooked, or there aren't enough moments for anyone to piece together what those traits might resemble. Of course, I am beyond grateful that ASD has not been a significant social hindrance since I was 19 or so, but I find myself living within a secret, beholden to the patterns that developed in another life. What I doubt most people would understand is that if your communication developed at a time when you exhibited traits of ASD, and your personality developed at a time when you exhibited traits of ASD, even if you no longer exhibit traits of ASD, you are irrevocably separated from anyone who has not had that experience.
Perhaps a lot of people in America would extend sympathy were I to reveal the nuances of my contract with society, my distinct way of being as a stranger in a strange land, but can they relate? It's just not a risk worth taking. I don't reveal that part of my life anymore. I reveal it to very specific people at very specific moments. Two weekends ago, I was with a former boss at a bar in NYC. Just as I was about to reveal that this had shaped my life significantly, I couldn't. Decided it wasn't worth it.
For a long time I wouldn't have signed up here. I had another former mentor suggest it, but I wanted to see myself as past it. The sad truth, I think, is that I'm somewhere in between both worlds: not quite neurotypical, no longer significantly affected by ASD, part of a very small number of "alumni" (???? no idea if that's appropriate) who are too jaded, alienated, defiant, overwhelmed and under appreciated to even think about getting together.
When you come to know yourself as this, it's not possible to imagine yourself as someone else. I'm constantly walking a tightrope of expectations, but the good news is that it's MY tightrope for MY expectations. The only person who gets to shape my path at this point is me. Since I know for a fact that the people I need in my life wouldn't understand what I need or how I communicate or why, I give myself full responsibility for all designs. Family has withdrawn from trying to influence my actions, and Mom and brother are thankfully 100% supportive in everything I do. It is exhausting to live this way, but it's what I know, and I really really love the independence of it. I don't work for anyone but myself, and I like that a lot. Maybe it's a learned behavior but screw it - it's also way easier and more satisfying than consistently trying to win the approval of anyone.
All of that, plus I'm just now starting to give myself permission to explore having a love life. I don't know if this is anyone else's experience but my romantic interest was extremely inconsistent until I was 31. I suspect that interest was shown towards me but I'm really not sure, even though the "signs" may have been very direct. They were, I suspect, but it still didn't register. I suspect the woman I'm thinking of right now thinks I rejected her. My nerves in those situations are entirely overwhelming, so I just froze in a few situations. Whenever I would regain awareness, there was little to no recognition on my part of where I might stand.
A year ago, I came to the realization that, rather than believing I had the option to "opt out" and become asexual, I might not feel that way anymore. The realization of becoming a full-time heterosexual came at the age of 31, at which time I have developed zero skills related to romantic involvement. I'm not sure where to start. I imagine I'll wing it, make a bunch of mistakes, have to explain that I've never done x or y before, and maybe possibly end up with someone. Or not. I have no idea.
