Feeling like I'm falling behind

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I feel like I am falling behind in life.
To disclaim: I recognize life takes all kinds of twists and turns; I know it's not healthy to have a mindset where you need to hit certain milestones by some point in your life; I know there are countless autistic people with rich, successful lives.

But I still feel like I'm barely past square one. I limped (metaphorically) through college with barely passing grades and no academic relationships of any kind. Spent my first five years after graduation in an awful living situation that cost me mental health, irreplaceable time, and thousands of dollars. I'm out of that now, and I'm doing much, MUCH MUCH MUCH better! That's not saying much, but this year in particular has been very good to me (outside the usual wars and politics and social strife).

I struggle to even talk to other people about anything, because I do not relate to their experiences.

People have friends. My family members have friends. Most acquaintances of mine have friends. People have friends. They talk about their friends. I don't have friends, and have little desire to talk about former friends. I feel socially stunted sometimes. The average person has surely spent hundreds of hours more of their life socializing and forming relationships than I have. I feel like, socially, I'm a non-entity. I have never related to others. I have never met another person who I felt gets me. I've spent years trying to make friends even if I wasn't super excited about socializing, but it just made me feel dead inside. This has the side effect of me having almost no support network outside family, my therapist, and strangers on the internet.

People have careers. They talk about their careers. I don't have a career. College was miserable for me, and I don't want to advance myself at my current job for various reasons. I want to go back to school, but I'm afraid of failing again. More money and time down the drain. I don't even know what I would study! People constantly tell me I'm smart, and I'm starting to believe them, but I have tried and failed since I was in grade school to decide what I want to be. I'm sure I could do any number of things if my heart was in them. But my heart isn't in anything. I've spent years trying even without my heart being in it, but it just made me feel dead inside.

And this sort of thing has gone on for years now. I feel like I'm running in circles. So much so, that I'm exhausted even talking about it.

I don't know that I have any useful advice other than trying to accept your reality and seeing it for what it is and being okay with it simply because that's the hand you were dealt, and then trying to make the best of it. Easier said than done. Beating yourself up is not going to be helpful.

Congratulations on solving the mental health issues!

Instead of going back to school, how about online learning?
A lot of stuff can be learned inexpensively at home.
Schools are expensive because it costs a lot for the brick and mortar infrastructure and the cost of teachers and support staff.

Or find a hobby. Many hobbies have online communities to share what you have done.

I do not know what treatments you are taking for Depression. If you are taking medication maybe you need to change the medication or alter the dosage.

Besides medications you need to do something to stimulate your brain. I know you have a passion for anti-zionism. Maybe you can work or volunteer for a Jewish anti zionist organization. There is behind the scenes work such as writing blogs or doing research. You will have to do research to get a good idea of what is available.

The above will probably not get you a “normal”. Hopefully it can be a start.