feel like i'm dying

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Lately, bowel movements have been feeling like (1) childbirth (2) heart attack (3) death. (Not that I have done any of them before.) (fine).

eight billion people in the solar system. 41 middle aged, not young or old. Plenty of people dropped dead much younger than 41. Plenty of people dropped dead much older than 41. Quality versus quantity. Almost everyone tells me that I look much younger than I am. Chinese people look younger than they are. Also, plenty of Chinese men are short and skinny with a high pitched voice and no facial hair. As a result, when I got a buzzcut and put on boys' clothes, I looked like a Chinese man.

41, nothing accomplished. When I was 12, wanted to get married, have kids, STEM degree/job, Boston marathon. "Life" appeared full of prospects and possibilities, but things not always the way they appear, s**t. Always been single. Hard time finding "friends", and even when I did, when (they correctly or wrongly) thought that I made a bad or wrong statement or action, they acted like I invented the world's worst felony, and they had never done jack s**t wrong before in their stupidass lives and "the meaning of 'life' is 'helping people'!". Academic dismissal (UCSD, structural engineering, Solid Mechanics II). Accounting AA & Cognitive Science BA. Worked and got made redundant from a random string of minimum wage, menial labor, unskilled labor, "any old monkey", dumpster fire "jobs", none of which required a Bachelors, Associates degree, or even a high school diploma. s**t. Didn't get published. I am so f*****g ashamed of myself. Not good @ anything. Too physically weak for manual labor, socially awkward, emotionally fragile. s**t. Even extroverted convicted felons (and my current company hires convicted felons), have more occupational prospects than my worthless corpse, s**t. As of October 8, that will have been my fourth year work anniversary. That's by far, the longest I have ever held a job. Second longest, Tuesday Morning, cashier, five months, age 18. Been applying for jobs for a longfuck time. Nobody will make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse s**t.

decomposing and rotting in my casket already s**t

I am sorry you are in this situation.

Autistic people tend to be better at concentrating on one thing at a time rather then multitasking. We also often have troubles prioritizing.

From the post I think the first issue you need to tackle is the painful bowel movements. That is a medical issue that requires seeing a doctor. If that is put under control or cured feeling better wlll make tackling other issues less difficult.

I’m struggling with not defining myself by lack of accomplishment as well. But honestly who brainwashed us that we need to accomplish career type things anyway?

I have known many people who were not raised with the expectation that they need to accomplish anything. They just enjoy life. They have fairly meaningless jobs. They do no research, invent nothing, publish nothing… and don’t aspire to! And you know what? They are happy!! !

What nonproductive purely fun thing do you enjoy?

I’m working on just enjoying things in the moment and making peace with the fact that I’m not going to accomplish anything that the world finds useful. You are not defined by your utility to others.

in my opinion.....

The whole accomplishment / achievement thing is artifice driven mainly by the neoliberal capitalist system.

It traumatises and diminishes us as human beings. It makes us unhappy and encourages us to punish ourselves for things that are often alien to our true nature.

Its perfectly OK to not be driven by never ending ambition or the need to strive, struggle and be 'better' than others.

Its OK just to 'be'.

Regardless of whatever path we take, our existence is finite and the transitory collection of elements that group together that we are will disperse one day. 100% going to happen for all. Regardless of whatever personal belief system anyone has, how they live their lives or what they do or do not achieve the end result will remain the same.

My drive is to get through this with the minimum amount of stress and to avoid making myself ill and unhappy in order to satisfy others pre-conceived ideas, standards and expectations. Its not always possible to adhere to this totally but the nearer I can get to it the better I feel.