My hubbie MUST be an Aspie!

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He is SO rigid in what he eats, what he does, where he goes, his hobbies, etc. Very passive/aggressive. He just doesn't get what I need, even when I have explained over and over. He says I'm making a big deal over everything, but I've been with him almost 10 years and I'm exhausted and losing patience. He's in his own little world and resents me for trying to change it. I just don't know what to do. How to get through to him. Communication? I explain patiently, I use examples and metaphors, he won't (can't?) even look me in the eyes even when I ask him too. Just sits there looking like a spanked puppy and instead of him responding, the crickets chirp! He can't wait until I lose my temper and storm out so he can calmly go back to watching TV or reading his car magazines. I banned Halo from the house! We can have a fight and he can go to sleep 2 minutes later. Could someone enlighten me? We are seriously talking divorce!

Sounds to me like you need to go on a marriage communications course.

My wife and I went on one after 7 years - we were on the verge of a breakup.

We just hit 10 years last September and are still going strong.

BTW: We had tried counselors but it didn't work.

Contact Worldwide Marriage Encounter and go on a weekend in your area.

http://www.wwme.org/

I can relate so much I have been diagnosed with Aspergers myself, only last year I am also 48 been with my husband a bit longer but he sounds the same as yours and I am sure he is also on the autism spectrum, but his choice not to be diagnosed or really want to know, he thinks his fine thank you...

He has never been supportive, and can find him quite exhausting - rather go off bush than discuss things.. but I have decided not to fight and fuss about his differences, as that was the person I met and I can not change him and do I have the right anyway, would I want him to change me!

Anyway, I feel its best you start remembering why you got together, as like my husband trying to change him is the worse thing I could do, if I do try he of course just gets defensive and accuses me, in fact will lose it as hates me telling him what to do.. as he sees it, he is really quite passive/aggressive, but its his way of protecting his safe world as he sees and needs it to be..

I think its to do with having there safe world changed, us aspies do not like change and we like our routines.. I feel you will both get on a lot better if you can embrace, allow for his differences and stop trying to change him. It has really helped me and my husband, I guess me being diagnosed has also helped him understand my differences...

You did marry him, so why change what you can not. I truly feel its better to work with what you have and maybe rethink why you now want to change him, you could of changed.. you really need to open up some sort of good communication with each other and maybe as the last post says go away for a week end to do this.. with in mind to discuse your differences, not necessarily change them.

Thanks for your quick replies and input. We had looked into this encounter group a couple of years ago, but couldn't get anything booked at the time. Going to try again. I've sent him the link anyway, don't know if it's too late, but worth a try. I've known he was quirky from the begining, but didn't realize how deeply ingrained those quirks were. It does help to visualize that this is how he is hardwired from birth. He feels he's changed so much because of my influence. What 'changes' he's been able to effect, have worn me out and don't seem like that much progress. He'll actually step foot into an Asian restaurant that serves salmon. It's the only Asian restaraunt he'll goin into mind you. He's found one and that's it. We were away in Washington DC- the Asian restaurants all around that I wanted to try, he refused saying when we got back home we'd go to the one there.

I do believe Aspies have high IQs that's why they can come up with compensating coping mechanisms. But some of his quirks just CAN'T be tackled. Most don't bother me, he has to have his night time rituals. If I leave a garden gate open or even a closet door, he becomes unnerved and takes it personally. It's the double standard. I can't close HIS closet door, but if I leave the hall closet door open, he actually sulks. He expects me to keep track of all the things that are important to him, but forgets mine on a regular basis. It's the double standard that gets me every time. It feels like he sets me up, but in the context of this different type of processing (Asperger's) it isn't malicious is it?

I just hope it hasn't gone too far and that we don't have a basis to work on. We have tried a counselor, not aware of Aspie situation. And yes he does not want me to change him. I just have to set up my life differently if I am going to stay in this marriage, as I am too tired to start over with someone else.

Besides when he's good, he's very good. It's just when he digs his heels in. Like we got a marriage self help book that I was reading to him at night in bed- unless it has something to do with cars, he doesn't read. There was an analogy of a football game from 25 years ago that he just flipped out on. He panicked. Told me to skip over it and I calmly - at first- told him if I had to get over our own personal history surely he could get over this passage and however many more there might be in the book. He absolutely could not do it and I just can't understand it! It escalated into a huge fight, and our counselor was at a loss when we explained it. The only way I can accept it and move forward is in the context of Asperger's. Does that behavior make sense otherwise? I've just been desparate until I found some of this information. I just don't want to enable the behavior and make it worse. That's why I am afraid to 'give' in.
What are your thoughts on that? Thanks so much I know that you both know how much your rays of light mean to me right now. I'm just desparate!

This thread may help you understand a little more and has some interesting links...
Aspies, LOVE and Relationships
http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php?topic=428.0

The thread does help. It makes sense to me, I am going to discuss it with him. Just need to know what NT stands for before I thank you once again for taking the time to change lives. Much appreciated!

NT: Neuro typical - Just a way of indicating a person who is not on the Autism Spectrum, as there is no "normal" - we were all born as unique individuals.

Aspie: person who is on the Autism Spectrum (some of us prefer not to say if we are high functioning, low functioning, aspergers, autism...).

The only book that helped me was Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - by John Gray.

This was because unlike most self-help books it wasn't about changing behaviour as much as accepting behaviour.

Many of the traits you mentioned could have their roots in the OCD comorbids (side-conditions) of aspergers. They don't necessarily sound like aspergers by itself.

Marriage Encounters is a really good way to go - my wife and I were pretty much GONE - but we got back together during the weekend.

Good luck.

To both posters:
Thanks for the definitions and the thread. I certainly don't feel neuro-typical lately . I did talk to him last night and showed him the site information.

Trust me the behaviors I outlined are just the tip of his iceberg-ones I can talk about in mixed company When we were reviewing and comparing all behaviors and our history just to explore the possibility, he was very accepting of the idea. I was surprised at his reaction. It's like all these experiences we've had over the years and couldn't get a cohesive explanation for them. This theory is the one that clicks, it's like superimposing the data onto our experience and the dots can finally connect. Neither one of us is 'wrong' in this context- just truly wired differently. And it's something I CAN finally accept and work with. There is a logical reason for the differences in the way process information and experience, for the way we've been interacting ineffectively. Some things are not going to change, some can, and now we know the difference. Thanks for your support. We are going to do a weekend with that group, it is something we are looking forward to now, instead of just going through the motions.

I know this is not a magic bullet that's going to mow down our problems and we'll walk off into the sunset hand in hand, but it is a more solid foundation that we can finally start building on. THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH!

This sounds like just like the end of my marriage, though he seems to be "more" Aspie than I am. My ex told me what she wanted me to change, and I would respond with "it's who I am". Personally, I think the main thing to remember is that you share responsibility in nearly everything.

For instance, with the Asian restaurants... Maybe there was just no way you could have gotten him into that strange environment. On the other hand, there may have been things to do to ease the situation for him. Obviously, it would be important to clearly state why you wanted to go to one of these restaurants (I'd imagine he didn't want to go for the exact reasons you did), as well as how important it was to you. Other things that might have helped could be getting take-out from somewhere he could accept (like McDonald's), so that he wouldn't be confronted with unknown food (and just putting up with the weird looks from the wait-staff ). Perhaps finding a table while he waited, so that you could take him straight to it. Even something as simple as letting him know it'll be ok, and that you will hold his hand, can help.

Mostly, I think you should focus not on the problems, or even immediatly the solutions, but on understanding -why-. Not all of them may be able to be resolved, but at least you'll have the knowledge of why he's not able to give you what you want. once you understand the why's, then the two of you will have an idea of what you need to alieviate. Unfortunatly, you'll have a much heavier part of that, and have to ask him the right questions.

Also, in my marriage, to be blunt, I had no clue until the very end that she was unhappy with me. To me, I had nine years of a good marriage, and six months of trying to fix it, before she was gone. I doubt she would say the same.

(Curious if you've considered weighting the doors to close by themselves...? )

Rougetech,

Thanks for telling me part of your personal story and for validating my logic process regarding the Asian food incident!
I did offer to do ALL of those things. I laughed out loud when I read 'McDonalds'! Was that you standing behind the potted palm outside the Japanese restaurant in D.C.?

I even offered to order take out and eat it at his restaurant choice. At the time I felt each coping mechanism option I offered was shot down without even considering it. Now I'm thinking that it's not that he just wouldn't do it, he COULD not do it. He's not being a black-hole. He's not a really picky eater as I thought, but truly has food aversions. We counted once he eats about 20 things and that's it.

I'm just worn out. I'll have to keep sublimating my preferences, and just gave up hope. For the most part I let him choose what we do, where and when we go someplace, it's easier that way. I avoid a few certain situations with a couple of people where he may feel conflicted and my needs were ignored in the past. He takes it personally that I won't go to those few places, but there's no sense in setting ourselves up for a repeated fiascc...what is that definition of insanity...doing the exact same thing repeatedly, but expecting a different outcome. Besides they're two places I won't go, compared to countless places he CAN'T go.

I used to suffer in silence and confusion when he didn't trashed my boundaries, so as not to embarrass everyone else with an uncomfortable situation, and defer the non productive conversation. I thought he was testing my love. Then I just had enough and my pendulum swung in the equal and opposite direction and I dug my heels in as he does and we went for a few toe to toe Springeresque moments. Unfortunately it took that behavior for him to become more aware and modify some of his behavior. The power corrupted me for a little while, but that's not what I want nor who I want to be. Betty Page may look good in a magazine, but she doesn't fry bacon for Sunday morning breakfast. If elected Drama Queen, I will not serve.

I've been divorced before as has my husband. I've dissected it, but I'm still bitter about some things. You don't sound bitter about the divorce, looks like you dissected and forgave what happened- an Aspie trait I suppose? That's one of the attractive qualities- the nerdly factor- by nerdly, I mean BRAINY. Aspies are SMART! Ya'll know your stuff. You know it so well, you don't need to know other stuff. Applicants for significant other status think that if we can make it into the inner circle of stuff that the Aspie is so enamored (obsessed) with, life will be pretty good! But then we find that circle was formed long before we showed up. I've been banging my head against that wall for years. I know he appreciates my effort. He's told me he's hard to love and that he feels 'closer' to me than anyone- so that's huge for him.

I know I may sound like a man with a hammer so everything looks like a nail now, but now the traits of Adult Aspies fit my my late, estranged, father! Thinking on that for a while may heal a very old wound and may shed some light at to why I have a soft, very stubborn, spot in my heart for Aspies.

Thanks for inspiring me to figure some important things out.

hmmm.... I'm not sure what to say. Honestly, though I could certainly imagine my ex wanting to eat somewhere and me "blowing it off", I can't imagine her asking if she could go in on her own to get take-out (except for finacial reasons). She would have left me to cool my heals watching the kids until she got back. This isn't critism, just not sure of how you and your husband work together.

From what I've heard, having your own escape is essential. He has his interest(s) to escape into. Don't be afraid to go out with friends and do things on your own for yourself. Mind you, when my ex did that, she was resentful I didn't want to go with her .

With my marriage, it just never occured to me that when she said she was unhappy about something, that it was something I shared responsibility in fixing. Or, as I said before, that meant she was unhappy "with me". I don't know how much this may apply to other Aspies, or even how much it would have helped my marriage, but maybe some of your issues stem from him simply not "getting it". That he doesn't have to change who he is, just be willing to stretch a little to -do- a few things that might be out of character. And using some of those Aspie brains to actually find ways of making things easier on you...

It definitly sounds like you need help with communication though. There are many resources to help with that issue. Again, speaking just for myself, there are a lot of things that my ex could have done to "allow" me to constructivly speak, that we just didn't know about. (We didn't know about AS until basically the end.) Others have recommended Men are From Mars. I haven't read it yet, myself. There are many books aimed at couples with an AS partner, and obviously loads on communication with a male partner . And there are threds on wrongplanet addressing it. Simple things can help, like asking leading, concrete, yes/no questions... Setting number ratings for wants and perhaps even emotions and feelings... Using text or other alternative communication mediums... He's not necissarily ignoring you when he's playing whipped puppy, but you need to find some way to get at least a little peak inside.

You sound a little like my parents. They've been married for over 50 years. My dad is definitley aspie. It has been hard on my mom, and it has been hard on my dad living with a non-aspie.

Now that they are retired, my dad sits in his den all day doing stuff on his computer or watching sports (and avoinding my mom), my mom spends her time with friends or taking classes at the senior center. She is very social, he is not. Whenever I talk to her she spends most of her time complaining about him. As if that is going to do any good.

They make each other miserable, and it's mostly my mom's fault because she just won't let him be who he is. He doesn't complain because she spends her time doing things that he wouldn't do, but she can't just let him spend his days the way he wants. I know I sound sort of bitter about my mom, but she really is pretty mean, I don't mean to imply that you are like her.

People don't change. She tries to make him be social and it's just never going to happen. He was a good dad, and a good husband (as far as always working, helping around the house, not being a dog, stuff like that) but he was just never the social butterfly that she clearly wants.

Maybe you should either leave him and find someone more suited to you, or else accept him as he is and try to build your life around that. If you stay but fight who he is, you will both be miserable.

Great Sentiments, but it has to work BOTH ways. You need to accept eachother and the aspie has to at least put some effort into meeting half-way.

I know I do - I usually hate doing it, but at least I try. This makes my wife try for me too.

Eye contact is a big thing for some aspies, don't take it personally!

I think communication is a big problem in most relationships, not just those involving aspies. No two people think alike, and despite what some books may try to tell you, I don't think there are many mindreaders out there!

Slightly off topic, but I found one thing that enhanced my communication skills ( when I was a young adult, long before I'd even heard of Aspergers,) was volunteering for Lifeline.

I'm serious!

You have to do a couple of courses where you are surrounded by people of diverse backgrounds with a common goal- helping others. They teach you " counselling skills" which are communication skills by another name - reflective listening, probing,etc.
They give you notes too (very important) Also with phone counselling, it is easier to concentrate, as visual distractions are eliminated, and most people are happy for an ear to talk to - aspie or not!! !

it was my wife's distress at my Aspie shut-downs that motivated me to sort it - http://unlearningasperger.blogspot.com