Conversation - what did I do wrong?

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My husband just told me today his doctor told him to lose some weight. He was determined to do it and has downloaded some calorie counting program for his iphone. I was a bit skeptical about calorie counting and suggested more exercises and cutting out candies. Then I wondered if that would affect my cooking and what I should feed him. I ranted about all those things I have read about how diets don't work well and why exercise and increased metabolism is better. When I asked him if I should replace granola bars with carrot sticks and start buying skim milk he got really annoyed and said I'm never supportive, and always make him feel like an idiot if he decide to do anything new.

I totally was supportive. I only really want to know how that would affect ME and what I'm supposed to DO, as I'm the one who'd doing all the shopping and cooking. I don't see why asking him detailed question on his plans and wanting to know exactly what to change is not supportive. Or was he expecting something like "Oh that's great! I'm certain you can do it honey." Is that what NT people expect when they tell people they want to lose weight? Does that really help in any way?

I probably would have responded the same way. I do the food shopping and cooking in my house. It seems to me that if he is going to change up his diet, you need to ask questions so you know how to adjust accordingly. How else will you know what he wants you to do... to just keep buying food as you normally do seems like it could be counterproductive to his goal if he is about to go all calorie concerned.

I played 'ask a NT', and asked my husband what the problem was. Heh. He says maybe it was the tone of your voice or maybe your husband is one of those guys who tries something new all the time and then stops so he projected that and felt you were not taking him seriously.

But really, I would have done the same thing, so for what it is worth, it's not just you and I was confused as well.

His reaction probably has more to do with him being a man and as such he's not inclined to take another's direction. Maybe you need to try negotiating with him, approaching the situation with a 'how can we come to a unified plan of action/how can I help you help yourself' attitude?

Calorie watching is not a bad approach to dieting. However, having gone through several diets myself, I strongly recommend one of the 'high protein/low carb diets'. They can seem complicated but they aren't, many of their details are easily found on the internet. Such a diet will create a heightened metabolism because they are designed to engage the body's natural fat burning potential and when properly followed, the results are amazing. Recently I lost 50 lbs (270 to 220 lbs in 5 months), using a high protein/low carb diet.

If your husband would like to speed up his weight loss then exercise is definitely one way to do that (other options being more fine tuning of a diet, taking supplements or using high dollar 'fat burning' compounds). Aerobic exercise (running, bicycling, cross country skiing, swimming, etc.) will burn fat when done with sufficient duration and intensity, as well as strengthen the heart and reduce stress and the potential for diabetes/blood pressure. I bicycled for several years while in my thirties and I'm still reaping the benefits at 47. Anaerobic exercise (weight lifting, resistance, isometrics, etc.) will add muscle which will increase his base metabolism, as well as providing extra strength, stamina, self confidence and reductions in stress, etc.

Good luck. If your husband has never been the exercise or sports type, it might also help if he gets friends involved or joins some structured group. If he wants free training advice he can find plenty on the internet. Should he want personal exercise guidance there are numerous trainers available or you could PM me and I could offer a few pointers. I was heavily active in both cross country bicycling and power lifting in my 30s. Have him consider using Facebook as well, for morale boosting and as a means to track his own progress.

I can't see that you did anything wrong the way you tell it.

But then I was always putting my ex's nose out of joint, could never say the right thing....

good luck, peace j

This is how you weren't supportive. You ranted and doubted.

You should have just said something like "I think that's great, what can I do to help?"

Cutting calories does work but it is best to combine it with increased activity. Diets don't work a lot of times because the person generally makes themselves miserable by choosing a diet with too few calories and poor tasting, unsatisfying food. Satity is an important aspect to have in a diet and to this end, the granola bar would be a better snack than a carrot stick. Granola bars have about 190 calories. However, a better snack than a granola bar would be a pear and half a serving of low fat cottage cheese. It has about the same amount of calories, more protein, and more bulk.

A lot of times I see people trying to diet by eating salads. Salads are actually a poor choice for dieting because it's easy to inadvertently make them high in calories and low in satity. A better choice would usually be a 6" turkey sandwich from Subway, a tuna sandwich with some light mayonnaise combined with some low fat cottage cheese...you can put tomatoes, capers, and harts of palm and seasoning in it to spice it up.

Generally, you want to lean towards protein, and away from simple carbs.

Ditto this. I can't see how you can claim you were "totally supportive" if what you actually did was rant about how stupid his idea was. Saying you were only concerned about how it would effect YOU is also not "supportive".

I agree with what's been said already. I also noticed the order in what you've said. You started off being skeptical and told him how to do things differently = unsupportive. He is not a child. He has already made up his mind on how he wants to go about this.

The fact that you were skeptical and possibly irritated in how it was going to affect YOU, I would think your tone and expression lacked support. It's hard to be supportive when we don't agree with a method. It shows in body language, even if you don't express the disapproval in words.

Lastly, you turned it to be about you and not him. Instead of offering advice when it wasn't asked (ie: exercise instead of diet; carrots instead of granola bars), a more appropriate response could sound something like, "If you need me to change the grocery list, let me know. Maybe add a few things to the list." It puts the ownership on him and makes him feel like you're on board.

I suppose you guys are right. It's just so easy to fall into the habit of listening to other people complain about something, offer various advices, get rejected, then ask "well what do you want ME to do then?" I think that's my default.

Here is a general template that might help you better navigate such situations.

When a person talks about making a potentially positive change in their life...

1. Say something positive.
Person: I think I'm going to start cutting calories to lose weight.
Potential response 1: You know, that's a really good idea.
Potential reaponse 2: Wow, that's great!

2. Say something supportive.
Example 1 "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Example 2 "Well let me know if you need anything."
Example 3 "I'll be rooting for you"

3. If you have reservations, present them as a solutions to the goal, or questions.
Example1 "I've heard that (whatever) also helps."
Example2 "Are you going to (whatever) or just (whatever)?"

The important thing is, you first either state or strongly imply your support. Often times, people have a tendency to remain silent on positive thoughts and voice negative ones but ironically most people need to hear the positive ones more than the negative ones.

Another possibility is that your husband doesn't actually want to change what he eats, just the quantity.
So when you started talking about buying carrots, he thought "crap, I don't want to eat carrots!".
While he wants to lose weight, he may not be willing to take things farther than calorie-counting for now.
Wait until he's tried eating tiny portions of "normal" food for a week or two, and he may be more open to trying some healthier alternatives.

Thanks! Good tips. I'll have to practice some more. Ya I think NT people are too easily offended about anything that sounds negative, especially if you said that right away without any transition (being blunt). Though now I think about it maybe I really wasn't supportive. I like chubby guys. I don't really want him to lose weight. Guys need to have enough "critical mass" to seem attractive to me.

Its important to remember he's probably feeling quite vulnerable and picked on already if the doc has suggested this.

Men have feelings too and to be told you're fat and to lose weight by anyone is hurtful. To come home to a barrage of criticism of his methodology just piled up the negativity.

Fwiw, I had a really good calorie counter programme on my phone - it was a bit like the weightwatchers system which was healthy eating and lifestyle change rather than fad diets.

Best to be informed of the reality of your argument before putting it forward.

This is where you're being negative.

Wow this thread is still alive? Well it seems his calorie counting was working. He's lost 6 lbs so far and I haven't had to alter my cooking at all. He's griping a bit that his clothes don't feel any different yet.

I'm glad its working for him. I am new here, but I just wanted to say that it sounds like exactly the kind of thing that I would say and be left very puzzled by the reaction, and its so good to know that I am not the only one, and that there are strategies for dealing with this and that I can learn to work through because up until recently its all been such a mystery to me. Now that I am starting to realise, it has come as a bit of a shock, but I feel like there is hope.

I'm with your husband on this one.

From what you said, this is what I heard,

"Why are you doing a stupid diet thing? It's not going to work. You're going to fail at this. I'm not going to help you with this. This is totally inconveniencing me. All you need to do is just exercise and stop eating crap. You don't have to waste all this time and money and put me out pretending to do something that won't work."

Which is not supportive.

My husband likes Weight Watchers to handle the food part of losing weight. I don't get it. All the counting and points. It's too much work for me. I like South Beach Diet because they give you recipes and it's very clear what you can and cannot eat at the different stages, and the stages are timed. SBD is very straight-forward and you don't have to think. If you want to, SBD will even give you the entire meal plan for the whole week, plus the shopping list for it! WW does not do that. But, my husband knows WW is not for me so I will not do it BUT he knows I'm behind him doing WW 100%. He does not like SBD at all but he supports me doing SBD and thinks it's great that I have a diet plan that works for me. We also exercise differently. What I do would kill him. What he does bores me to death.

So, shrug your shoulders and say, "Okay. Tell me about this plan and how you're going to make it work." Get on board. Visualize it happening with him. Go on walks with him, stretch with him, try yoga with him... eat the meals he has to eat with him. Do whatever he's doing to show your support.

Do this because, it's not about the diet. It's about the marriage.