The Funny Jokes Thread

Post Reply New Topic

If you Web site has been vandalized because of security lapses in your server:

1. first try cleaning up the grafiti with Simple Object Access Protocol (SOAP)
2. If doesn't work, as final resort, resort to Asynchronous Javascript and XML (AJAX)

-Chris Marsh
Web Developer
Kratos Defense, Inc.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

What do they do with the Klingon who finally does change the bulb?

Execute him for cowardliness.

What do they do with the burned out bulb?

Execute it for failure.

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. And he will even do it for free if you buy the new bulb from him, for a reasonable mark up, of course.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?

Precisely 1.0 Any more would be illogical.

How do you tell if a Ferengi has been using your word processor?

It's missing.

How do you tell if a Klingon has been using your word processor?

By the dagger through the monitor.

How do you tell if William Shatner has been using your word processor?

By the white out on the monitor.

and finally a dirty one.

How are toilet paper and the starship Enterprise alike?

The both travel around ur anus hunting for Klingons. :0)

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

A man goes to the psychiatrist and keeps saying "Im a teepee I'm a wigwam, I'm a teeppe i'm a wigwam''
So the psychiatrist says to him "you need to relax you are two tents''.

A very old man dying of liver failure is woken on his last day by the delicious smell
of freshly baked lemon meraingue pie.
He struggles out of bed and drags himself to the kitchen
where he spies the pie and reachs to get a piece,
when his wife lashs out with a spatula and painfully bats his hand away.
"That's for the funeral!" she says.

LOL thread!

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.

^

ok I'm making this one up
Matrix joke
How many spoons does it take to change a light-bulb?
none
There is no spoon.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? ............................Wanna go ride bikes?
How many kids with autism does it take to change a light bulb? One but then he'll tell you about it for the next 3 weeks.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender brings him the beer. Neutron asks how much for it and the bartender replies for you buddy no charge.
A giraffe walks into a bar and announces high balls are on me!

Thank you thank you I'll be here all week. Try the prime rib.

A policeman was pissed off and decided to stop a driver just for fun. After checking the usual stuff he said:
- I think you are driving drunk.
- No, I haven't taken anything.
- Then answer this: you drive on a dark road and see two lights coming towards you. What is that?
- That's probably a car.
- Yes, but is it Honda, Mercedes Benz or Ford?
- How could I know that?
- You must be drunk then. But I'll give you another chance. You drive on a dark road again and see one light coming towards you. What is that?
- That's probably a motorcycle.
- Yes, but is it Honda, Harley-Davidson or Kawasaki?
- Dunno that either.
- I think I must write you a ticket then.
The driver asked:
- Can I ask you a similar question?
- Well, OK.
- You see a woman in high heels, miniskirt and a blouse with lots of cleavage, and having a heavily made-up face. What is she?
- Umm, she's apparently a whore.
- Yes, but is she your mother, sister or wife?

This was reported as the World's Funniest Joke, according to Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, and he got it from a 31-year-old psychiatrist Gurpal Gosall, from Manchester:

^ BWAHAHAHAHA! That was good

Wm shakespere walks into a pub and says I'll have a pint of Guiness. Bartender says sorry mate, can't serve you. Wm gets all mad and says why the bloody hell not? Bartender replies because you're Bard.

A man walks into a hairdresser's and asks the barber "How long do I have to wait for a haircut?". The barber looks around and, seeing the place is very busy, replys "Hmm, about 90 minutes". "Fair enough" says the man "I'll come back later". But when the Barber shuts up shop for the night hours later the guy hasn't returned.

Two weeks later the same man walks into the same barbershop - "How long must I wait for a haircut?". The barber looks around, fairly busy "About an hour" he replys. "OK, I'll come back later" says the man. Again, when the barber shuts up for the night the man hasn't returned.

Several days later same man, same barbers. "How long 'til I can get a haircut" - "About 45 minutes" - "Alright, I'll come back"
But, of course, he doesn't.

This begins to happen more and more frequently and soon the barber is getting a little fed up, and begins to suspect he has new competition in the hairdressing trade. After it happens one more time he turns to his assistant and says "Look, I'm getting a bit concerned. Every other day the same man comes into this shop, asks how long he has to wait for a haircut and when I tell him he says OK he'll come back, but he never does. If it should happen again would you follow him to see where he's going?" "OK boss" says the assistant.

Sure enough, next day the guy walks into the barbers "How long before I can get a haircut?". Barber looks around "Say half an hour". "OK, back in a while" says the man and off he goes. But this time the assistant is in pursuit.

An hour later the assistant returns. "Well did you follow him?" asks the barber. "Yes I did" replys the assistant. "And did you find out where he has been going?" asked the barber, "Yes boss, I did" said the assistant. "Well Where?" asks the barber.

"Your House" says his assistant

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

An artist is talking to the owner of a gallery, and the owner of the gallery tells him:
"I have good news and bad news. Someone came here yesterday and was looking at your work, and asked if I thought you were the kind of artist whose work would be worth a lot after you died. I replied that I thought it was so, and he bought everything you had here."

"So what's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."

A woman goes to a doctor and says "I have a flatulence problem but what's interesting is they're silent with no odour. In fact since I've been in your office I've farted 10 times.

The doctor gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

Days later the woman returns to the doctor's office furious. She says "These pills don't work! Not only do I still have a silent flatulence problem but now they stink".

"Good", says the doc, "we fixed your sinuses, now for your hearing".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer walks into a fish & chip shop - "Large cod & chips, please!" The proprietor tells him that there is no cod, only haddock.

"OK", the man says, "I'll have cod & chips!"

"Sorry," says the fryer, "We don't have any cod!"

The customer ponders for a while... "OK, then I guess I'll have cod & chips!"

The proprietor spells it out to him "Watch my lips - there is no C - O - F - D cod!"

"Just a minute, there's no F in cod!" says the customer!

"Exactly! That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion.

"I say it's spelt W-H-O-O-M." said one.

"No, no, no. It is W-H-O-M-B!" said the other.

An English doctor passing by said: "Excuse me sirs, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B."

"Thank you doctor," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. Besides, we don't think you're in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting."