Wondering where to start

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I’m a 47yo male that is just figuring out that I’m autistic. I always knew I was WAY different than the people around me and that it made life extremely difficult, I just didn’t know they had a name for it. Back in school I was tested alot for a lot of different things but they came to the conclusion that I was some kind of child prodigy that was too lazy to apply myself. One of the tutors testing me pretty much summed it up literally yelling at me “Kid, you have no idea how lucky you are, you could do anything you wanted to in life… why the hell won’t you?”

I told her I just wanted to figure it all out, that I was already applying it inside my head and doing what I was supposed to with it. It is a true all encompassing, completely focused life long obsession that literally dominates every aspect of my life. All of the oddities of my external life are caused by this obsession with what I’m doing in my hidden world. The only reason I even engage in the external world at all is to support what I’m doing in my head. I excel at what I do in my head, I suck at pretty much everything I do in the external world making engaging in what most call the “real” world the biggest chore of my everyday life. I’ve forced myself through it pretty much on will alone but that will comes from a sense of duty, not passion. I do it because I know it is the right thing to do and it is my nature to do what I think is right whether it actually is or not.

Therein lies the problem. I’ve made it on my own thus far, but barely and I mean “just” barely – scraping my balls on every hurdle. My life has been a comedy of errors and the only thing I have to show for it is in my head, unseen by anyone else. It’s getting to be more and more difficult to force myself through it, I just don’t have the will to do it anymore. My “career” consists of assorted manual labor type jobs for many reasons, but all because they supported the work in my hidden world (or because of the autism if you want to put it that way) while my external life suffered the consequences. I currently do painting work and some landscaping/yard work to get by but if I put in a hard week it literally takes me the whole next week to recover and I’m very prone to instabilities.

Now that I’m getting older it just hurts too much to do enough manual labor to fully support myself. It’s not just that, because it’s so difficult I find myself retreating more and more into my own little world making the external world seem even more difficult and less appealing. When this happens I have more spazz attacks which are difficult to put up with no matter how understanding the people around me are. My fear is that things will get too difficult and I will slip into my own little world never to come out again. I’m not sure why I dread this, I just get the feeling that it would be very very bad.

I feel I could use some help, but I’m not sure where or how to get it. Because of the way I am I’ve blindly sought help for it all before only to be disappointed. I say blindly because I never knew it was autism. I was always afraid to tell people about my hidden world because they’d think I was crazy. I didn’t know I was withholding the one vital piece of information they needed to make a correct diagnosis. It’s not like you can’t tell just by paying close attention though, my “normal” act is pretty transparent and it’s pretty obvious I’m very much in my own little world.

I don’t even want to pursue it if it’s all going to be a major disruption to my barely stable life for nothing. I guess my biggest fear is that because it is all in my head so to speak that there won’t be enough evidence of how much it impacts my life in 30mins in a typical shrink’s office. I did some painting work for a therapist and when I told her I thought I was autistic she didn’t even know what autism was until she googled up a bunch of stuff about it. Even then it was difficult for her to understand the concept of me living my life in/for an entirely different and unseen world.

Another option I see is to get some help parlaying what is in my head into something that can actually enable me to take care of myself without having to climb ladders or uproot stumps every day. This would be nice as one of the main frustrations in my life has been being really good at something unseen that I can’t even use to support myself.
Here again though, I don’t even know where to start. I know I have something hugely valuable in my head but 1) I’m very protective of it and 2) I’m not so good at putting it all in a deliverable package so that other people can understand it.

So then….
Where do I start?
Is the official diagnosis and help available worth it?
Are there any good unofficial avenues of help available?

Hello and Welcome.

As for your questions about seeking a formal diagnosis...that should be up to you...Do not let others influence you if you feel you need it. I am an adult, undiagnosed with a diagnosed teen. I do not seek diagnosis for myself because I do not view Aspergers to be a hinderance to my life and I have no need for doctors or pills. My teen also has chosen to opt out of these. I respect him and allow these choices. From your writing, it seems you may feel otherwise.

Frankly, you've got me hooked. I'm aching to know what is in your head. To be fair...I'll give you a taste of mine. I have spent a large amount of my adult life constructing buildings in my head. I start with a blueprint stage, then move to constructions, and finally decorate each room down to the most minute of details. Some are projects that have taken years to complete. Aspie, Aspie, Aspie... But that is only one of my obsessions.

If you feel you can't work anymore then you should apply for a disability pension and that will require a dx. I don't know how I stayed in the workforce as long as I did. I'm surprised I lasted 9 years full time work in an office, that was hell! I never had what it takes for that kind of thing! plus I had 10 years of casual and part time work before that. My life has been (and still is) a comedy of errors too. I was never truly able to support myself in the way NTs can. It was too hard.

Getting a dx is pretty humiliating and tortuous but if you need the financial support then you have to go thru with it. Try your local Autism society or association for a list of people who will dx adults.

@ Postperson, I did not know people with Asperger's could get disability. Good to know. Although my son is very bright, his lack of social and organizational skills make school very hard for him. I was the same way. I often wonder how he will make out in the work world as an adult. It is nice to know he has options if it is too much for him.

@Ballisticmystic, I came back and read your entire post again. Whatever has been stewing in that head of yours all these years...I bet it is fantastic.

I'm in Australia, but I believe the US and UK also recognise it as a disability. You'd both have to look into it in your part of the world.