Non-Verbal Communication Frustration

Post Reply New Topic

One of the things that I can't seem to overcome, no matter how hard I try, is control of the subtler aspects of non-verbal communication. I've done a lot of studying and practicing in order to blend into NT society so that I can hold a job and have something of a social life, but no matter what, I can't control my posture or the tone of my voice, or even the volume of my voice in some cases.

I'm still surprised by how significant the effects of this can be. Every day, I deal with people's adverse reactions to my tone of voice and posture. My voice sounds "shaky". My posture makes me look permanently uncomfortable or nervous. This offends people. When possible, I explain, "It's a physical thing that I can't control," but at least half the time, people don't buy this explanation.

So what do I do? Tell them I have AS, explain what it is, and then confront their reactions to that? I don't think I have the energy to constantly debate about mercury, vaccines, "over-diagnosis", "fake" disorders, "Rain Man", etc.

Is anyone else struggling with this? Is anyone else finding that it affects every aspect of life, from jobs to relationships?

yes!
I am dealing with that right now - my voice gets so loud sometimes.....and I don't realize I'm so loud and people are shocked....or I can't speak....

also: the hearing thing - not sure if this is aspie related....but this week I experienced it when everything melts together and I can't make sense of the words...
and also - the scariest part was when I could see people talking to me....and all I could hear was a hummm....or a buzzing...

Friend, take this good counsel: You don't have to explain everything.

Yes, it would be nice if it were possible to full explain to people the actual condition you experience. You aren't obligated to.

Just say the following: "I have a neurological condition. If I'm too loud or too soft, tell me so. My condition ruins my brain's feedback loop for this and other things, so please don't hold it against me."

If you say this straight up, and don't go any further in to it than 'neurological condition' you chalk it up to something that almost no one is an expert on, and avoid the hot button foolishness about words like Autism / Asperger's, which everyone seems to have an opinion on and few have any right to.

Blessings,

M

Wise words! I will try this.

That could be Auditory Processing Disorder, a neurological condition which is common among those with ASD's.

was in a class with 43 people....

in my immediate group - I could not make sense of what people were saying....then outside on break I could see their mouths moving but could not seem to hear.....and after I keep saying I can't hear, I can't hear.....people start to get frustrated and look at me like I'm a psycho.
(I am looking up this auditory processing disorder.....)It feels aweful when this happens and I try to cover it up as best I can.....but I'm at the point where I think that I need a therapist or a doctor or something....(I am sorry - am I being "too all about me - again?).....sorry
(trying to communicate NT style is such a strain - I'm at my wits end)

Also - body language - instructor wanted an answer to a question, our group was not ready to answer and neither was I.....She centered me out to answer and I apparently put my head down.....(to think)............she accused me later of ignoring her.......
I was not ignoring her!! ! I needed time to think....
she was irate because she thought I had ignored her.

When she first met me - she told me that her first impression of me was:

quote: "who is that angry woman"..........but when I smiled she thought I was a lovely person.

I wasn't angry.......I get so sick and tired trying to explain that I'm not angry.

Also my voice will get louder and louder - and people will tell me to "slow-down", "settle-down", "quiet-down".....

I try to talk softly............and then the strain of it - makes me stop trying to talk - or I revert back to talking loud...

I am rambling - sorry - I am so "off-kilter" at the moment

Oh, I get that too. My voice naturally gets louder as I gain interest in what I am talking about. It's frustrating because I don't bother to talk much. Then I finally make the effort to express some idea that I find interesting and people just say, "Woah, settle down. It's gonna be all right," or something, instead of listening to what I have to say.

I deal with the facial expression thing too. Apparently, I look sad most of the time. I've also gotten "angry", or even "stuck-up". This is all very strange because I'm very unemotional, and I don't even compare myself to other people, so how could I think I'm better or worse than anyone? And is snobbishness really an emotion that can be expressed on one's face?

I have not mastered it yet, but have a good foundation through practice and observation.

At my age, forties, I've given up trying to overcome this problem. Nonverbal communication is a problem and will always be. I get blamed a lot, similarly to what others have described here above. Eye contact, wrong tone, wrong intonation, wrong volume, wrong body language. I've given up on having any kind of social life and have accepted that I will continue being fired from the jobs I get. I try to imitate NTs to the best of my ability to get by as much as possible, but the results are invariably disastrous in the short or long term.