I don't think I can carry on anymore

Post Reply New Topic

I'm 42, told I had AS a few years ago. I have got through life by tenacity, I just grit my teeth and do what comes next, I have wanted to die for most of my life and wish I could believe that death is a final end then I could kill myself but I'm afraid to find I would just keep existing in another state afterwards.

By tenacity I have a PhD, two reasonably well-balanced NT kids (23 & 25), and a job in academic research.

My work history has been traumatic and I have to keep moving on because my colleagues get to the point they hate me. When I first came to this job in January I thought I had at last found somewhere I could settle for while as it seemed everyone was friendly and I fitted in. That has all exploded, because I worked too hard and galvanised some of my colleagues into a very productive team the rest of the people in the lab turned on us and constantly went to the boss with complaints (which we have never been told the substance of and we never did anything wrong to them).

Eventually he decided that it would be best to pacify the rest of the people by taking their side and suddenly he was acting agressively towards me, being angry about things he originally asked me to do and supported. This culminated in a meeting where he totally demoralised me, said that I was the cause of all the trouble, that he was surprised he hadn't heard about me causing trouble in my previous employment and that where ever I went I would cause trouble. He made me feel stupid, insignificant, worthless and unemployable.

It is not true that I caused the problems, they were there before I came but just got worse, the lab manager who was/is my friend walked out because of it, one other postdoc is leaving and the other postdoc on my team is as depressed and ill from stress as I am and wants to leave. The bottom of the problem is the bad people management of the professor.

I just feel that nothing is going to work out for me what ever I do, I can stay and be treated like a pariah or I can try find another job and have the trouble of trying to fit in somewhere else. I feel that this is never ending, that my life is just going to continue to be endless strife. I keep hoping I will get a terminal illness and die.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles at work. No wonder you feel demoralised. Reading your post, it seems jealousy, or a feeling a being threatened or shown up has driven you colleagues behaviour towards you. It is not easy being different and standing out from the norm.

Tales to management about me in my last place of work eventually led to me to resigning after being threatened with dismissal. But this was not before a couple of meetings, where my manager totally demoralised me. I now have a lawyer working for me, I hope I can get some justice.

At present, I work on contract, I move about in my work, thereby managing to avoid social politics in the workplace. I choose where and when I want to work.

I take a small dose of antidepressant, this helps me to feel more positive about the world.
The antidepressant makes my life livable. Could a small dose of antidepressant help you to cope and feel more positive, despite the knock backs.

Keep your nose to the grindstone, and just keep ploughing on.

I wish you well!

i remember you posting here about having another job offer and asking for an advice because you were happy where you were and afraid of going through the process of fitting in all over again in other place. i am sorry to read that it turned out this way. but you still can apply for another position and as for the reference letter from your current employer, you can explain honestly about the situation in the cover letter when applying for the position. they should understand. your situation is not so uncommon. and as for starting somewhere else again, its not so bad. i am doing career in academic research too and i actually like it. a change doesnt have to be bad. just dont think about it for time being, you will deal with it later when the time comes.

It’s obvious you’re VERY depressed and you should seriously think about getting some help, I've had so many problems at work up to the point of being physically threatened that I'm now unemployed, I managed at college well enough to pass with decent grades but coping in a workplace has been impossible for me. At work you have to put up with others pilling pressure on you and blaming you for their failings.

People look for a scapegoat and “unfortunately for people on the spectrum” it’s usually us the ones who are least able to deal with it that get both barrels.

You are making the fatal mistake of thinking the reason you keep finding yourself in this position is because it’s all your fault, I can assure you that just isn't true.
There are so many self serving as*holes out there who don't make allowances for anyone else and you are getting the raw deal because of their inadequacies and inability to cope with their job.

In my experience they can sense you are different somehow and they will use it against because you are the most convenient person to victimise, how can this be all your fault?

All my life I blamed myself for the way others treated me I didn’t even know I had Asperger’s until this year aged 34, you have to realise that having AS is no reason for anyone to treat you so badly and if they do it’s not your fault that you were born with this difference is it?

I have often felt like I can’t go on anymore but those people who try and drag you down and make your life a living hell are just not worth the air they breathe.

the problems you have are regrettable and common for all AS.
they are avoidable.
i had similar problems until i discovered the cause.....me.
meant to help, with a little bit of a push, but not to much that it bluntens the delivery.
im sorry for your situation.

i live by a mantra...i cant control what happens to me, i am only in control of how i respond to it.

43 is young enough to start again, but until there is change, you will keep on having to start again and again.

It's the person who isn't part of the the groupthink who gets scapegoated, that's usually us.

Sorry to hear about your troubles at work Alex. Work isn't the most important part of life, its just a small part. Family is more important and you have two daughters that you raised well so that is something you should feel good about. You have some friends at work whom are loyal to you and the rest of them aren't worth the bother. Maybe you should concentrate more on you other interests and hobbies right now and try not to ruminate about events at work so much. I wish I could think of something more to say that will make you feel better, but i'm just not very good at advice giving.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I've dealt with hostile coworkers and sexual harassment at work before. Please don't feel like it's just you or that you're weak. Dealing with that sort of tension on a daily basis can warp your outlook on the world and on yourself to the point where the situation seems too big to face.

Depression, like it seems you are contending with also, can do the same. From what you've said about your career in the sciences and knowing you're an aspie, you probably count the ability to be logical and objective among your gifts, but it's almost impossible to clearly assess a situation and figure out what to do when deeply depressed.

I hope you'll consider getting help soon. It's not an easy sitation with a clear answer, but I think treating your depression will help you better deal with it.

Sounds like this situation is a result of your weak boss, instead of supporting you when you were doing what he asked. I'm not sure how you cope with bad management, I've experienced this kind of thing and it's hard to know what advice to give. Would there be any possibility of a transfer to work with a different boss, or is it not that large a place where you work?

The main thing is don't blame yourself and feel like it's you that's a pariah. Your boss is an *ss! Others are stressed and ill because of what's happening...is there someone higher up that you and your postdoc colleagues can approach - together you may do better than on your own, although that's worth a try too, if it's possible.

I'm sorry to hear that work is so stressful at the moment Alexbeetle. Wish I could say something more helpful. As Thyme said, concentrating on hobbies and interests might help you to relax. I hope things get easier for you soon. Post more if it helps to vent.

Thank you everyone for your help and support. I am feeling a bit better and have the plan that I will try let go of my work so it is just a job and not the main important focus of my life (it is my obsession topic so it is difficult to do), I have been looking at evening courses to have other fulfillment in my life, I am also going ot try be more assertive and not take the blame for things. The next plan is to see the possibility of returning to my old job if things do not improve in the next month. I also have antidepressants from my doctor.
This week I am in Switzerland for a series of meetings so back with friends in an ordered, sensible environment and so feeling much better at the moment.

Glad to hear it alexbeetle, thanks for letting us know.

Here I can empathize, because I've been through it myself. I'll tell you what I tell myself about it when I'm being honest.

I always tried so hard to be right that the possibility that it could have been me in all those situations never entered my mind. I now realize that living in my own little world so much affects my perception of what is happening the external world sometimes. A lot of times when I get all bent out of shape about something there's nothing wrong, I'm just seeing something the wrong way thinking it somehow poses a threat to my fitness hill or established place within the group. If it persists I get into a mindset where I'm expecting negative energy which means I'm projecting negative energy and guess what?

I wish I had a nickel for every time I was king of my fitness hill by excelling at my work, only to be knocked off it because I put that above being human. I think part of the bent comes from trying so hard to excel above others and completely failing to understand what is wrong with that at the human level.

We are all Gods in our own little worlds. Autistic people live more in their internal worlds where as normal people live more in the external world. This world is a world of projections, we tend to project less preferring to keep to our internal world but when we do project it's different. In our own little worlds we are gods directing a great work within us (speaking for myself as an autistic savant) when we project that "image" into the external world people get offended, and justly so.

It's just stuff like this transferring over that causes the problems. In our own little worlds we never screw up, projected into the external world where we're basically screwing up all the time, we look like idiots that think we're always right without any visible justification. There are different ways of being right and even tho we're generally right in a purely technical sense, at the human level we're f'g clueless.

This is after all, about being human. All of us are gods already, but only in our own worlds. We come here to learn how to behave as men, free men. Each and all of us having all the godlike abilities and power of our own little worlds in this world but with the realization that what you do to others, you do to yourself. A race of gods that get along and live in harmony basically. It is the ultimate achievement for any soul, it is much higher and more satisfying than being "god".

Alexbeetle,

I beleive that you are on the right track in just letting your job be a job. As an individual you are more than your employment, or your interests. As hard as it is, you should not allow other people to negatively affect your mood. God knows, I keep trying to remind myself of that.

You may or may not know that you probably have a nice legal case. If you are being caused emotional misery due to being singled out and humiliated in a job that you do well, you could have the makings for a great case. Even better if the treatment you are getting is being handed out in an attempt to make you quit. If you are not the litigious type, or don't wan't to go that route, you may want to speak to your HR person or manager. His or her job is basically to protect the company or institution from potential lawsuits, so I am sure your situation would be handled with care.

I know the feeling. Apart from my time in the army (9 years), I've changed jobs on a regular basis. My current job is the longest I've ever had at nearly 4 years now. I usually get bored once the technical prolems are solved or just get fed up of the people after feeling that I've let the real me out again and no one respects me anymore.

I'm so happy that you're feeling better Alex I was worried.