I have Aspergers.....my son doesn't.....please help!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone,

I am 36 and just recently dx......which is a relief as I have always struggled immensely and now we are on the right track. My son is 14 and he is a stranger sometimes. He is emotional, confrontational and manipulative......typical for a teenager it seems. He is also very sociable, loves animals and is very kind when he wants to be.

But I really struggle with parenting him. I live by ratios, odds, choices, consequence. I am a safety nut. I like to consider all possibilities before making a decision. I do not like to be interrupted. I correct grammar, punctuation and language mercilessly in others but struggle with my own correction. I try to explain where I stand, I stick by my word, I try and remember stuff without my trusty post it notes. He tells me I am a nerd because my head is always stuck in a physics book or I am doing algebra. He runs around like a hurricane. He is not methodical, or rational and often tries to pull the wool over my eyes because I take him literally. If he says he will do something or he will not do something wrong again, I believe him and let him go on his way, only to find out that he has done it again. Then I have no choice but to discipline him, which I find horrendously confrontational. It makes me tired, sad and hurt......and strangely enough, afraid.......

I remind myself to hug him and tell him that I love him. I love my son desperately, but platitudes and affection do not come to me instinctively and I wonder if he knows just how deeply I love him. I try to tell him but it comes out wrong or at the wrong time and he gets terribly embarassed. I just feel like I am in his way all the time. I will not change the strictness I have or the moral code I stand by and I am not necessarily a dictator but I cannot find even ground, where I feel okay about everything......my fiance says that my son knows I love him, that I would do anything for his success and happiness........but it all feels so deeply wrong sometimes.....

Am I depriving my son.......because of who I am? Because my head is where I would rather be? That life is so overwhelming at times, just by the nature of its unpredictability? That I feel great discord just because my son is sitting in my seat and have to explain that it makes me feel so off, when I actually have no idea why?

Gosh, this is hard.

Thanks for listening......

Michhsta

You should ask him how he feels...? I don't know it sounds pretty normal - my friend's dad had his own chair that no one was allowed to sit in. Try to get to know each other as people so he will want to respect you and your rules. I don't have kids so I'm not really sure.

Hi Michhsta,

I have the same concerns about my relationship with my son who is also NT and I an older mum + Dx Aspie at 56. My view is that I have always honestly wanted my children. Therefore, I have love and all the elements of determination to provide for them materially, emotionally, psychically as best as I can given my circumstances. This they know because everyday of living with them I did/do my best. I am teased by my son too, for being too reasoned often!!
Providing both children with a safe ,warm and direct style of communication has its benefits for they are skilled in knowing feelings that are genuine. I can't say I don't still worry about 'reaching 'my son because I do. Now that he is a young adult, it is his journey to understand me - if he wants to. I KNow and show that I have two children whom I love most dearly. I trust in my family's ability to deal with differences and the unpredictable.